Wow! Its been a while and I have a much better attitude these days! I have been so busy and its not over yet! I have a final at 8 in the morning. Then one more on Wednesday! WHEW! Cant wait to be done. This weekend was LHBC's Christmas Play! Pretty much amazing. I worked with some wonderful people. It was such a blessing . . . and no I was not in the play, but I helped. I am gonna miss seeing all these new friends everyday for hours! It was a neat experience and cool way to serve God alongside my amazing Brothers and Sisters.
Just an update ... 5 months and 3 classes till I graduate in MAY! WHOOP! I am so excited and scared at the same time becuase I am not sure where God wants me in that time. I have no clue how He is planning to use me or where He wants me planted.
I have GOT to get back to the books now! Just wanted to update this and wish everyone a MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!

Can't Breathe

I feel like I’m suffocating here in this place.
I’m falling farther and farther behind in the race.
When I think about who I’ve become,
I just feel sick and my body goes numb.
Angry and emotional; controlled by my stress,
Just trying to survive while my life becomes an ugly mess.
Living in defeat almost every single day.
I have lost myself somewhere along the way.
I look in the mirror and have to close my eyes.
The person staring back is only a disguise.
I want to be me, but I’m so stinking scared.
Will God still love me, is He really prepared?
The King is enthralled by my beauty, according to God’s word.
He really loves me; I find it so absurd.
How can He love someone as unworthy as me?
I try so hard, but the ends never meet.
I’m a messed up girl in this terrible, fallen world.
Yet God still loves me, like His own little girl!

So Im a big fat jerk! I have let myself get deeper and deeper into the stress of life. I have allowed myself to focus on all I have to do and completely turned into a crab. I totally snapped at my Mom tonight about something dumb. We had a miscommunication and I reacted horribly! I got in my car and just bawled my eyes out. I didnt realize how tense I was. One little thing set me off. What has my life come to? Am I really the kind of woman who "reacts"? I dont like who I have become the last few weeks. I dont like the thoughts that come into my mind. I hate the defeat I feel almost daily! I mean really what is wrong with me?!? I cant even deal with the stress and overwhelming feelings. I am in need of prayers. I am in need of grace, in need of love, in need of mercy raining down from high above. In need of a Savior! I need to turn things around! Stop putting all my trust and hopes in myself and as Butch would say "put all my eggs in the Jesus basket"! I cant let my emotions control me! I can't react because I want to or someone provoked me! Its not who He is and it cant be who I am! Anyways, just needed to get this off my chest.

Yea for more great weather! And praise the Lord for meeting new people everyday! Its going good, and I am slowly getting my energy and strength back! WHOOP! Oh yea and praise Jesus for my crazy sister! Someone tied some HAPPY BIRTHDAY balloons on her car, so she crossed off happy bday with a marker and wrote "FEEL BETTER SOON LOVE SCOOBY AND TICA"(our animals...) and gave them to me! CRAZY but gotta love her!

Yea for the amazing weather today! Nothing like the sun and wind to remind you of Gods greatness! And what about a one hour phone call with a friend I havent had time to catch up with!!! Yea! Thank you Jesus for my giving me a nice warm bed to cuddle up into tonight!!!

I just have to say that I love the Lord with all my heart! Its my desire to please Him and to bring Him honor and glory. I dont stop to blog about the blessings near enough. I dont stop to tell people near enough about the blessings God has bestown on me. But the minute things are scary or bad here I am. Well thats gonna change NOW! I have got to be more thankful and more appreciative of ALL things Christ does. So its my goal to blog at least every other day! It wont always be a long insightful one, but I will start sharing the blessings, the answered prayers, the little things that put a smile on my face. And feel free to share with me the ways God blesses your life. We , at least I do, need to realize even the "little" things are gifts from God. I think we get caught up and just take things for granted! So my new plan: STOP and SMELL THE FLOWERS! I am given lots of chances at work when people ask me why I am so happy, but I just reply its a good day or something like that. The new me desires to take advantage of the little moments and say Im happy cause JESUS loves me, or cause God has blessed me again; giving God the credit! So I challenge you brothers and sisters; be different, be bold, be real!

Intimacy I wanna know you Jesus intamitaly
You are my refuge
I want intimicay
Apart from you I have nothing good.

Intimacy is something we crave. Im not talking about sex here. I am talking about our desire to be relational, to be close with people. We were created this way. God gave us this desire so that we could join together and be in this life together. So why do I feel so bad about this desire of mine? Why cant I have this desire met by a few surface level friendships? Why cant I just get that guy to love me and we can grow old together and love the Lord together! My priorities are all screwed up thats why!!! I know its a horrible sin to flirt with. But recently through a friend speakin truth into my life just by sharing some hard stuff that shes been dealing with has openned my eyes! A girl who I like, but never really have been close with confided in me about a similar issue going on in her own relationship. Talk about God using other people! We both were able to share and relate to each other in a way I never imagined possible. Its amazing how much being open, real, scared, vulnerable with others can bring God honor.
So with that being said please if anyone even reads this pray for me. Pray that I can let God have the dersires of my heart ... ALL of them! And just trust Him with the results. With God on my side I KNOW that nothing is impossible!!! NOTHING!
As its starting to hit me that I will be graduating soon, all the fear is coming at me. God tell us not to fear, He has a plan. Its just really really scary for me to have no clue where He is taking me. I know its gonna be amazing and that I just have to be patient and let Him be Lord. I admit I have failed here, and continue to everyday, and am now just really living in defeat right now. I am afraid I will be a dissapointment to my parents with my job, Im afraid I will never find a man to love me, afriad I will never get to have my very own babies, afraid I will miss Gods calling for me, afraid I am all alone, afraid!!!
Thats alot of fear and until you just put it out there you dont realize how much that fear affects your life to the very core! This blog seemed to have detoured from what I was gonna talk about. Hmmm... Im sure there was a reason this all came out instead. I trust that God is right here with me and knows who (if anyone) reads this and maybe this is something you needed to hear, to know you aren't alone. So I am sorry this blog didnt really flow, but that cool. It feels nice to have those things off my chest.
But now i am getting really sleppy, I thinks its all the meds Im taking. Anyways, me and my horrile cough and uvulitis are going to bed!!!

Sick and Tired...

Whew! Can I just say how stinkin sick and tired I am of tryin to please everyone else. It seems the harder I try to make everyone else happy the more I fail and the more unhappy I become! Well I cant do it anymore. I have to stop tryin and just let God do whatever He wants in these relationships. I am not doing anyone any favors by turning myself inside out to please them. I am just miserable and unhappy and its got to come to an end. I confess this as sin in my life and pray that God will change my heart and mind and attitude. I pray that I can still be selfless but without the motivation of pleasing people. I want to be Gods hands and feet in whatever way He asks me to. And if Gods plans dont line up with pleasing the people in my life, well they will just have to understand or continue to be mad at me. Life's too short to worry about making people mad. As long as my eyes are focused on Christ the little stuff just wont matter. Not to say it wont still be there, but I can choose to not let it effect me.I know that God has great things for me and wants to use me and I get so mad at myself when I see how much time I put into pleasing others instead of doing God's will. I dont think its Gods will for me to please people, but to LOVE them. I have to understand that loving them isnt always gonna look the way I think it should. Anyways this was just something thats been on my heart and I wanted to put it out there!

So it seems that the green eyed monster has been weighing on me lately. I dont think I have a horrible self esteem, although its not the best. And I know that God has created me in His image, that HE thinks Im lovely, He is enthralled by me! WOW! So that should make you slap your self outta the blues. But I think I havent truly trusted Him, Im still trying to do things on my own, in my flesh. I find myself getting jealous of little, stupid things! GROSS! I find myself wanting what others have, the relationships they have, or even just blessings God has given them. I catch myself almost everytime though, AMEN! GOD is so faithful to remind me when I am out of line. He constantly convicts me as soon as the thoughts enter my mind. He doesnt give me the time to entertain the thoughts! I am constantly reminded that I am no where near being who God wants me to be. AHHH! But I just have to keep reminding myself I am a work in progress. I am called to be perfecting not PERFECT! And it seems that since I dont like to ask for help, I have just been suffering alone. ALONE ... not a fun feeling, but Christ is living in me! Maybe I am too dependent on human company, instead of letting God keep me company. I am such a people person, yet being vulnerable with another human being scares the mess outta me. Im so scared of ...everything and yet I am reminded that fear = sin. Im not trusting God with my ALL! So Im really gonna try and cry out for help, try and be transparent with my brothers and sisters, and REALLY let God have the drivers seat. So any prayers would be greatly appreciated!

Well its been a while! School has kept me from blogging. But alas I found a few minutes to squeeze in a blog. This last week has been insane for me. I have been brought to my knees more times than I can count. I have just been in constant prayer all week. Sometimes it takes a week like this to make you realize how much you need God! Nothing major or really bad happened to me. Just enough inconviences and annoying things to make you wanna scream! Or cry ... which I also did alot of. God has to teach us to be more like Him. And this was definatly a teaching moment for me. I try to handle everything on my own. I HATE asking people for help and I don't like when I cant do it on my own. Why can't I just give it to God? This week there were several times when I had to ask for physical help! No fun for me. I didn't know how to change a tire ... so I HAD to ask for help. Its a very humbling thing to do for someone like me. Even something as small as helping change a tire. I dont want to to inconvience others sometimes, well usually, but God says in Galatians 6:2 we are to "Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ". He COMMANDS us to help each other. When you look at it like that, by not leaning on others I am being disobeient! Ouch! I know God is gonna help me to lean on Him and my Brothers and Sisters, no matter how scary it is! This tire thing is just a small step in the right direction! When I need helping kicking Satan's butt in the sin areas of my life I will hopefully be able to go to a brother or sister and ask for accountability, i will be able to confess sin! All in good time! I just have to LET GO!!! We sang a song a few weeks in church that brought me to tears!
Deliver me when I try it on my own
Deliver me when pride puts me on your throne
Deliver me when I dont close my eyes to see
Deliver me from me
Until my life mean nothing
and you are all I need
I have definatly sang that song many times before. But Gods good and that song was just what I needed to hear! I had never really listened to those words, I just went thru the motions of singing! I nevere really understood the impact, the truth of it. Its like that with a lot of songs, Christian or not. We just sing them and dont really mean them, dont fully understand what they are about and the message they offer!
So my advice: STOP and LISTEN to those worship songs you have sang over and over! MEAN what you sing! Dont be afraid to lean on others AND God! Just go out there and LOVE!

Another good one...

My princess you're never alone
You never need to hold on to anyone out of fear of being alone, my precious princess. I am with you wherever you are. I am the friend who walks in when the world walks out. I created you to have strong relationships, My love, and I see your desire to be close to someone. If you will seek Me first and come to Me with your wants and needs, I will choose your friends for you. I also will bless those friendships abundantly. Don’t settle for less than My best just to fill your schedule with people to see and places to go. I want to reach you with the reality of My presence in you first, and then you will be ready for real relationships that are orchestrated by Me.
Love,
Your King and your Best Friend
“And be sure of this: I a am with you always, even to the end of the age” Matthew 28:20

Good stuff!

I got this book His Princess: Love Letters from Your King. I wanted to share an short piece from it that really touched my heart! Hope you enjoy!

My Princess you don't have to fit in!
I know you want to be accepted by others, but you were not made to fit in. You, my princess, were created to stand out. Not to draw attention to yourself, but to live the kind of life that leads others to Me. Remember, it's your choices that will pave your path to life. I will not force you to do anything. I have given you a free will to walk with Me or to walk away from Me. I want you to know that you can put your crown on at anytime and let people know that you belong to Me. You have a royal call on your life. I want you to remember you wear the crown of everlasting life, and through you I will do abundantly more than you could ever dare to dream.
Love,
Your King and Crown Giver
Am I know trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ.
Galatians 1:10

Fix me!

Sometimes I am just too sensitive for my own good. I don’t mean to be. I am glad that I am so passionate about people, but I think I have taken it too far. I get my feelings hurt so easily and take what people say to heart. I’ve been this way as long as I can remember. I don’t know how to fix it, how to fix me. I have found myself to be quite the bitter, angry 23 year old. And what do I have to be bitter about?!? I have a great family who have always supported me and am blessed to be at such an amazing university. I don’t have any physical defects that cause my life to be any harder than most peoples. So then why do I find myself in this whirlwind of anger and self-pity? I just don’t get it. Satan has done such a number on me. He has pushed and pushed, fed me lie after lie and somewhere along the way I have bought into him. Somehow I let him convince me that I am not good enough, not smart enough, not pretty enough, for any person of this world to love, much less for GOD to love me! We girls have been told time after time, by friends and family and even God’s word, that we are all those things and so much more. So why is it so easy for us to buy into this world’s ideas? It is so frustrating for me. Maybe I am having to go through this difficult time because God knows I look to much to people for my happiness. He knows how bad I desire to have their approval, their love. God knows that I sometimes (quite frequently actually) put people in my life over Him. And sometimes I think it would just be easier if He just took all the people out of my life. I have faith though that with God’s help I can beat this. I don’t believe that He wants me isolated and alone. He can do amazing things in my life, if I will just let go and give it to Him. I guess I have just been too stubborn. Things are getting to the point now though where I realize I don’t have a choice. Now matter how hard I try I can’t do it, not in the flesh. I am completely broken and know that nothing else I try will work. I HAVE to put all my faith in Jesus Christ and let Him work in ways that I can’t even imagine.
On a side note I have really been hit with the fact that one reason I am so unhappy is because of ME. I know there are people in my life that God has placed around me to LOVE me. But I don’t know what my deal is. I just push them away. I don’t want to let anyone get too close. I think I am afraid of letting anything good to happen to me. If that makes any sense at all? I pull away from the ones who WANT in my life and try to get the approval of people who could really care less if they only saw me once a month. I think I know that and it just seems safer to pursue those friendships that I know will be one sided and surface level. I don’t have it figured out. I pretty much have nothing figured out. Any insight would be greatly appreciated!

Bad Blogger!

So I guess I am an official bad blogger! It has been over a month since our list chat. Life has just been so amazingly busy. God is so God. I am hoping that this Summer I can really slow down and concentrate on Him and what is really important. But with all the weddings, wedding showers, and baby showers going on it will be a challenge. I have formed relationships with new people and learned so much about Godly love as opposed to worldly love. I have been shown love by people who barely know me. I have been invited into their homes and their families and even their hearts! What better example of Christ! I am so convicted and desire to show that kinda live to everyone I come in contact with, even the people I force myself to love. We have to pray that God will show us how to love "the unloavable". We cant do it on our own, in our flesh! We all have these people in our life. Some refuse the love we try to give, some reject us and what we stand for, and then there are some who just annoy us. Whatever excuse we come up with, know there really is NO EXCUSE!!! We are called to love EVERYONE! Not to love those who love us back, not to love only those who are like us, and certinaly not to love people we like!!! We are to pray for our enemies! WOW! Thats what we are called to do. And so often I fall short. In church we started our relationship series and I was just blown away after the first sermon yesterday. We are supposed to love UNSELFISHLY! When you really think about it that is much harder to do that say. A song they played really said it best:
Everything you hold in your hand
still you make time for me
I can't understand
I sometimes dont understand how God has time and the energy to love me. But He does! He is so good! And you just have to remember that! We really need to love one another. I know I have a lot to learn, but I know God is faithful to teach me. I want to be some moldable and teachable to become more like Him!

I was just blown away today. I can't even begin to tell you how good God is. He is just so amazingly wonderful. What better reminder than perfect weather. The weather really makes you stop and thank God for everything He has created. Just starting off first thing this morning being so greatful to God really made a difference. I was just so joyful all day long. I couldnt stop smiling. Days like that just dont happen near as often as they should you know. We are so caught up in our own selves and we just forget that it is by the grace of God that we are here. We become stressed and worried and selfish and dont stop and remember the REASON or the PERSON who is in control! We lose so much joy cause we conform to this world! My Mom forwarded this email to me and I wanted to share it with yall! It is very convicting!Take care and GOD BLESS!!!

As you got up this morning, I watched you, and hoped you would talk to me, even if it was just a few words, asking my opinion or thanking me for something good that happened in your life yesterday. But I noticed you were too busy, trying to find the right outfit to wear.When you ran around the house getting ready, I knew there would be a few minutes for you to stop and say hello, but you were to busy. At one point you had to wait fifteen minutes with nothing to do except sit in a chair. Then I saw you spring to your feet. I thought you wanted to talk to me but you ran to the phone and called a friend to get the latest gossip instead. I watched patiently all day long. With all our activities I guess you were too busy to say anything to me! I noticed that before lunch you looked around, maybe you felt embarrassed to talk to me, that is why you didn't bow your head. You glanced three or four tables over and you noticed some of your friends talking to me briefly before they ate, but you didn't. That's okay. There i s still more time left, and I hope that you will talk to me yet.You went home and it seems as if you had lots of things to do. After a few of them were done, you turned on theTV. I don't know if you like TV or not, just about anything goes there and you spend a lot of time each day in front of it not thinking about anything, just enjoying the show. I waited patiently again as you watched the TV and ate your meal, but again you didn't talk to me. Bedtime I guess you felt too tired. After you said goodnight to your family you plopped into bed and fell asleep in no time. That's okay because you may not realize that I am always there for you. I've got patience, more than you will ever know.... I even want to teach you how to be patient with others as well. I love you so much that I wait everyday for a nod, prayer or thought, or a thankful part of your heart. It is hard to have a one-sided conversation. Well, you are getting up once again. Once again I will wait, with nothing but love for you. Hoping that today you will give me some time. Have a nice day! Your friend,GOD

Wow! Its been a while. Hmm I guess I just got to busy to take the time and sit and write. Although to my defense I did sit and write one on Friday but accidently erased it while editing. Anyways, its that time of the semester we all love. Suckin it up to make it thru the last week so we can take our finals. The closing of this semester is bittersweet for several reasons. I just cant believe how fast it goes. Lots of things coming to an end. We are actually grown ups. Scary huh? Well I am very thankful for my job at Transportation Services. God really blessed me with some amazing, godly women as my coworkers. It is such an encouragment to work with them. We are all so different but are constantly pushing each other to be better whether it be thru talking or just watching how they handle themselves. God is just totally at work in their hearts and it pushes me to want to be better too! I have really come to term with the fact that I have lots of friends. But I dont really have a whole lot of people who inspire me because of God in their lives. I am slowly starting to connect with other believers in my church. Its very humbling to be around these AMAZING people. They arent shy about their faith, they arent too proud to tell you they struggle, and they are just SO loving! They definatly convict me when I try to pretend I have it all under control. Hmm. Funny I never really knew how much I needed, wanted, desired to have control. Im coping with the fact that I am not supposed to! Im finally learning to pry my fingers off my life, my sin, the people who I think I can save! Its getting easier to trust God. Dont get me wrong I still STRUGGLE with it, but it gets easier the more and more I do it. I have been keeping a bitterness log and writing all the times I get angry or bitter. WOW. Sometimes you dont even realize that it is second nature till you start keeping up with it. It has been a good experience. I am makin myslef go back a few days after each entry and write why I acted the way I did. Hopefully soon I will see a decline in the number of entries. For now I am tryin to take captive EVERY thought. I am just trusting God that He will free me from this nasty, ugly sin in my life. I know He has big plans for me and I cant possibly carry out Gods will if I am too busy being mad and bitter about the past or what other people did or didnt do for me. Its so stupid. But I know God will work it all out for HIS glory. So thats about it! Hope everyone has a great week and gets plenty of rest for FINALS!

Selfless Love

So do you ever catch yourself acting in a way that makes you sick to your stomach? Its so easy to spot the sins in other peoples lives, but when we see it in our own heart it makes us sick! This is exactly how I felt when I realized that I was storing up this anger and bitterness from someone hurting my feelings, only to see that I had carried these feelings over to my other relationships. I have let myself become scared to love, scared to care becuase I dont want to get my feelings hurt again. Well NEWSFLASH everyone is not gonna always please me, people are gonna hurt my feelings, people will let me down, but God won't! Maybe God knows that I had put that relationship above Him. Someone once told me that God knows the person (people) we most desire approval from and purposly withholds it from us, so that we will lean on HIM! And what good does being scared do? Who does it help? 1 John 4:18 says "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love". Yet how often do I LIVE in fear? This fear of rejection, fear of not being loved by this world. It just makes me sick! Why have I wasted 23 years of my life living in this pit. Thinking I have to have apporaval and acceptance from anyone other than my God. God has called us to agape love. We are to give and keep giving EVEN when we receive NOTHING in return. We are to love in ATTITUDE and ACTION! I have got to stop loving based on feelings! Feelings = flesh! I have to learn to be completely selfless with my love. I dont deserve ANYTHING! I know that if I can learn to biblically love (not worldly love) my brothers and sisters in Christ then I will be set free from this bitterness that I have been dealing with. God can set me free!
"Generally speaking, to have the happiness, joy, and fullfillment you desire, you must put yourself aside and place God and others first. In regards to your relationship with God, set your heart on glorifying God whether you get your way or not". Martha Peace

Idolatry

In my sociology class we talked about the McDonaldization of society. How we are people of convience and we want what we want when we want it. If you apply that to our spiritual walks more than likely you will see the same thing. We talk to our God only when we need something or have a desire. When we do take things to Him we expect immediate results. When things arent what we expected we get angry and wonder if God really loves us. We take things into our own hands cause we dont get the answer fast enought, or its not the answer we WANT. Yea. Thats pretty crappy of us huh. Maybe you dont ever do this, but I can't lie to you. I do it more often than I would like to admit. I am reading a new book and it seems as though it was written for me. Things I never thought about, but definatly do have been revealed to me. Idolatry is what this book is about. Why do we think we have to have certain things or people in our lives? What do they REALLY mean to us? How far are we willing to go to attain these things? Why are these desires so powerful? Ask yourself these questions. Sometimes we let these desires of our heart consume us and it becomes so strong that it totally messes up our thinking. I have realized that my desire to have godly relationships has become an idol in my life. Granted there is nothing wrong with wanting to surround myself with godly people, it is a blessing and a source of joy BUT it seems as though I have allowed this to take top priority in my life. When we make relationships conditional they are not of God. We cant expect people to bless us because we act a certian way, and we cant only love people when they act the way we would like. If we do the things and act the way we do because we are motivated by God's love then there is no problem. But so often we do them primarily to satisfy our own desires. Idols make us desperate to keep them. We sell ourselves to them, and we believe that the loss of them is an unbearable affliction - a curse even. We become isolated, desperate, sad, hopeless. This is where I have found myself. But there is hope! We can rest knowing Gods grace and mercy is avaliable to us.

Deceived

Satan has really deceived me in my relationships with other people. He has made me think that I have to get something in return since I give so freely to others. But God has really showed me that it is a LIE. He revealed to me in Matthew 5:38-42. " You have heard that it was said, 'Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth. But I tell you, Do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if someone wants to sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well. If someone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles. Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you". Wow! So God commands us to LOVE each other and expect NOTHING in return. Yet how selfish are we to think we DESERVE something! Afterall, we have already been given GRACE. Knowing that affects probably 90% of my relationships. I have let myself get so mad when people treated me badly. I didn't even know this was a sin. God has definatly continued to love me EVERY time I have put something or someone over Him, when I chose this world and its temporary pleasures over chosing Him. OUCH! How dare I think I can get mad when I am not someone else's priority! I have found it so humbling to take the mistreatment, remarks, and being overlooked. Sometimes things are NOT worth fighting over (as long as it is not a sin issue), I need to remember that. So many times I have got my feelings hurt and in the flesh acted out in unbiblical ways ... gossip, anger, bitterness to name a few! Being in the flesh is the key here, we cant allow ourselves to live in the flesh. This is where we are guaranteed to sin! So anyways this is just something that has been on my heart so there you have it! Hope everyone has an amazing Spring Break! Be careful wherever God takes you!

FYI

These last few weeks have been very hectic so I just wanted to let anyone out there reading this that I am still alive. And I could definatly use any prayers you guys wanna send my way. So much going on and lots of stress and anxiety! I will be updating soon, just have to make it thru 5:30 on Friday!!!