When I let the enemy win

Let me count the ways...

We talked at church this week about how the spirit affects us as opposed to living in the flesh and being owned by the flesh. One of the big points that really hit me is that the Spirit brings life and  peace and the flesh fuels anxiety and worry,

So I was at Bunco a couple weeks ago and a lady who's been in my classroom as a special ed assistant and really gets to see me do my thing told me that I was like chicken little. She let me know that I always think the sky is falling, that i am not doing something good enough when in reality I really am. In my mind I'm smart enough to know that this is just another place where Satan has control over me. It really had me thinking the last 2 weeks ... is this really how people perceive me? And am I really that much of a worrier? Do I come across as negative? Do I really think I can't handle things? Do I really think I'm that crappy of a teacher?

I have a friend Tabitha who has been brought to tears more than once over the way that I view myself. I really am such a surface-level person that when I really do open up to people it's hard and quite honestly it sucks. I'm great at trying to help other people trying to take care of other people but I never afford myself that same luxury.

Why do I give the flesh has so much control of me? I truly believe that I am saved, that I am a Christian. I got baptized in college at a time where I really and truly felt God's presence in my life. I was surrounded by people who were like-minded and who had the same goals as me. It's so hard now because I know that the Bible says once your saved your saved but man it's really hard when you feel like you're so distant from God. that's so hard when I struggle to hear God's voice and understand why I had to lose my mom, As I deal with being a 35 year-old woman who's never been married and doesn't have kids, as I feel so inferior to those around me.

My Big Return

it's been a while and man how much my life has changed. In some ways for the GREAT and others earth shatteringly devastating.

I went to my yearly physical today and my Dr. is very concerned about me sinking into depression. He asked about my outlet and I had to tell him that I don't really allow myself to have one. I don't let people in. He mentioned journaling or writing and then I realized I kinda miss this blogging thing. The good news is I bet no one even has this site anymore lol so it's like its my private journal. SO I guess thanks to Dr. Goode I am going to try this again.

In the dating world, I am a complete screw up. Until online dating I never knew I could be rejected by so many men. No one ever imagines that they will be in this situation ... mid 30's and single... never married.... no kids. UTTERLY alone ... and talk about the worst time ever to be alone ....saying my forever goodbye to my Mom and then having no one there to hold me, to comfort me, to tell me its gonna be okay (even though I know it WILL never be ok... will NEVER be the same). There will be plenty of time for my miserable dating life stories later.

I really want to try to express my anger, my fear, my sadness as I go through this journey of living without a Mom, without MY MOM! I don't want to be mad at God, I TRULY believe Mom suffered long enough and she and God knew it was time. Knowledge does NOT make things easier to swallow though. Today was a shitty day! People who mean well tell me it never gets easier, that these breakdowns will come in random times. Today I just cried ... ALOT! I just want to call her, to hear her voice, to have a conversation about anything and everything. I am angry that I never had BIG CONVERSATIONS with her, about me about my life.... I dont have those conversations with anyone so its not like I was holding back from her... I hold back frobnkjkjjkbkjm everyone. My insecurities have WAY to much control over me. And now I will never have a chance to have those conversations with my Mom.

And after 2 months everyone else just goes back to living their own lives and I am here just here trying to figure out how to do life. Not that it anyone else's job to take care of me ... I just really wish I had a husband to come home to, to hold me, to wipe my tears. And yes I have a few friends I count as family, but they have their own lives, their own tragedy, their own heartache. Plus I am not so good at the whole asking for help thing.  Oversleeping, serving others, negative self talk and thoughts.... those are my drug of choice to turn to. They are not as easy to see as turning to drugs, or drinking, or meaningless sex ... part of me just wishes I turned to the normal things like most people.

So tonight I begin this journey of letting things out, self reflection, and hopefully figuring out not only how to keep going but how to LOVE me and give others a chance too.