Saturday, November 13, 2010

FEAR


I was overwhelmed by discovering today how much I let FEAR control my life. I mean I always knew that I was a bit of a chicken in most areas of my life. But today I was paralyzed by the realization how deep it goes. The most obvious fear is food. I have it in my head that I am SCARED to try new foods. I have gotten to the point where I KNOW my eating habits are not healthy so I work up the nerve to try something and I will either chicken out OR put it in my mouth and immediately gag! This might seem crazy ... but this is me!
FEAR! I fear rejection, I fear loss, I fear failure, I fear being REAL. I have such a hard time opening up to people about everything because I fear what they will think. I feel they will know what a freak I really am and reject me. I can't be honest about my feelings because I fear loss of friendship. I randomly found this book "When a Woman Lets Go of Her Fears" and have read two chapters. I feel like it was written FOR me. I had no idea how much fear cripples me! It controls me! "We all have choices . We can give into those nagging fears and let opportunities be ruined or we can put fear in proper perspective and make the best decisions based on God's will". I am so tired of being an emotional/physical/spiritual wreck based on these fears. I have spent 27 years being held captive by these stupid fears. I have people pleased my way through life, not being the real me ... just being who society told was acceptable. I am scared that I will end up alone, that I'll never find someone who will want to marry me, that I will never have a chance to be a Mom. That my friends will all get married and forget about me . I worry that I am not enough to make my family proud!
SOOOO its time to stop this crap and trust the Lord with my fears. It is time to tell people how messed up I am (I want to vomit just thinking about this). I want to be honest about my desires/feelings. Just putting this in writing took a leap of faith. Just admitting this ... even to myself ... brought out lots of emotion and tears.
I hope thru this pain there can come healing and restoration. I know this will be a long/interesting journey and it is TIME to start it.

Monday, May 18, 2009

Enough

Don’t I work hard and deserve a chance?
To be admired, to be hired or just asked to dance.
I never used to think that I wasn’t enough,
But getting a job, much less a man has been rough.

Rejection, disappointment, and loneliness too
This is my life, and no one has a clue.
Always wondering when I’ll finally be enough.
Afraid that I’ll leave and never be thought of

I try real hard to prove that I matter,
But the stillness of my apartment only makes me sadder.
I desperately need to be enough.
Make a life, get a job, and really be loved.

I need someone to really need me
I want to make my family smile proudly
I have to be enough
Stop being emotional and start being tough

I need to be seen, or at least be heard.
My desperation for their affection is quite absurd.
Tonight I wonder, Will I ever be enough?
Can anyone see the real me behind all this stuff?

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

I have a new song obsession by Kellie Pickler . It describes how I feel in this time in my life. I feel like I cant let anyone close to me, I can't trust someone to genuinely care for me. "Scared to let someone in, Can't bear to get hurt again" the lyrics say. That is me. I am afraid to open up to my family, my friends. I am afraid to let them see me hurt, see my cry, afraid to let them see my imperfections, afraid of what they will think.
And one of my biggest fears is "Don't wanna let life pass me by Never knowing what its like To be as real as real can be To share my life and know my dreams". I am scared of growing old alone. Do I have too high of standards for people to be in my life? Do I even deserve the happiness others get? Will I have made a difference in anyone's life? Will anyone want to share mine with me? Will I spend my entire life hiding in a shell? What a shallow, unfullfilling life that will be.
Mostly, my favorite part of this song says: "Cause I'm hurt and I'm scared and I'm lonely All I want is somebody to want me Cause I've got so much to give".
I really feel like I have a lot to offer to a family, to a husband, to friends, to children. I feel like the Lord blessed me with a people personality for a reason. BUT am I just missing out, am I not seeing opportunities when they are in front of me, or is my head just all messed up?

Tuesday, November 04, 2008

Faith and Anxiety

Faith? Are you kidding me? If I am being honest here, I am too stressed, I am too scared, too emotional, too crazy right now to just REST and TRUST that the Lord to provide for me. To provide what I NEED not what I think I need. To trust that he KNOWS the desires of my heart, He knows that I desire to be a teacher, to make a difference in kid’s lives. He KNOWS that I desire a husband who loves and serves Him; that I desire to be a mom… I mean really He CREATED me …. How can I not think he knows?!?
I mean really my way of thinking and overanalyzing hasn’t really done a whole lot for me … unless you count turning me into a crazy, roller coaster of emotions woman!

And after losing my Mamaw, living here in this strange town, not knowing anyone, not even knowing myself I began to have panic attacks.
Recently, I was put on an anxiety medicine because I couldn't breathe. I am scared to be dependent on meds for my emotional state. I dont want to be messed up. I am trying to stop believing lies from the enemy! I pray for wisdom! I need discernment.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

A Crazy Life

So life in the substituting world is quite interesting. I have been subbing for a week now. First day was not so good. I was in a pretty rough Title 1 middle school. I was teaching 7th grade language arts. It was quite a surprise! My phone was stolen from inside my desk ... yea not so good. I called my Mom after school, from the office at the school, crying! Ha I know what your thinking. I am not that big of a baby though. This was just the icing on the cake for a few bad weeks. And not to mention it was the month anniversary of Mamaw's passing.
I enjoy subbing. I am getting a good feel for the area, what grades I enjoy, and what schools are effective and good to work in. I have had some rough days, and some rough experiences. But I am learning!
It has now been 5 weeks since Mamaw left us. I miss her so much. I find myself having breakdowns at the weirdest times, over the weirdest things. I want to pick up the phone and call her, I want to send her the annual Halloween card, I want to hug her and I know I can't. The upcoming holidays will be hard I am told. I have never lost anyone really close to me. This is so weird, so hard, so sad.
I am still adjusting to living here. Its been so weird living alone in a new place. Its been hard not having a church home, and church family. Familiarity is not here... where to get my haircut, where to get my eyebrows waxed, where to shop, where to buy gas, doctors???? All the little things, things I was comfortable with in Bryan, sometimes stress me out! I know I am crazy!
Anywho, this is just my way of journaling, getting things out! Hopefully will do this more often!

Monday, October 13, 2008

While I'm Waiting...

I heard this song from the movie Fireproof. It is such a humbling, and fitting reminder of where I am in life right now, well where I should be as I go thru this complicated, crazy, scary, time in life. I am so antsy, so un-content, so alone right now. Its like I am waiting for my life to get back to normal... whatever that it. I am waiting to get a real job, I am waiting to stop crying everytime I think about my Mamaw, I am waiting to be married and have my own family instead of watching on the sidelines, I am waiting to have friends who care, I am waiting for my life to mean something, I am waiting to be happy, I am waiting to find a church and body here in a new town... and this song describes everything that I am NOT doing as I wait. Such a beautiful reminder and encouragment.

I’m waiting
I’m waiting on you, Lord
And I am hopeful
I’m waiting on you, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait.
I WILL MOVE AHEAD, BOLD AND CONFIDENT. TAKING EVERY STEP IN OBEDIENCE. WHILE I’M WAITING, I WILL SERVE YOU. WHILE I’M WAITING, I WILL WORSHIP. WHILE I’M WAITING, I WILL NOT FAINT. I’LL BE RUNNING THE RACE, EVEN WHILE I WAIT.
I’m waiting
I’m waiting on you, Lord.l
And I am peaceful
I’m waiting on you, Lord.
Though it’s not easy
But faithfully, I will wait.
Yes, I will wait.
I WILL SERVE YOU WHILE I’M WAITING, I WILL WORSHIP WHILE I’M WAITING, I WILL SERVE YOU WHILE I’M WAITING, I WILL WORSHIP WHILE I’M WAITING,I WILL SERVE YOU WHILE I’M WAITING, I WILL WORSHIP WHILE I’M WAITING ON YOU LORD.

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Well it has been way to long since I have updated ... such a a slacker!!!

School has started for me... it keeps me pretty busy i must say. BUT I am really excited about being a teacher in the NEAR future! It is a lot of work and pretty hard! I have forgotten so much ... and so fast! I am required to observe 20 hours in a school as well. This has been hard to arrange with my full time work schedule ... but it proving to be quite rewarding.

I have gotten to know Rhonda from church very well through this experience. She just took this class last semester, which has been a blessing!

I am officailly living by myself now ... AUGH!!! I have survived a week and 1/2 now! YEA! Its not as bad as I thought , but it does get lonely!

Anyways, I have to hit the books!

Just an update! Hopefully more to come really soon!