The holiday season is upon us! So fast! AUGH! It seems like it was just this time last year. Where does it go? Have I really been graduated for 6 months? Am I really almost 25? What has happened to my life? I had dinner with two friends ... one last night and one the night before! Friends who I used to be INSEPARABLE from. That was FOUR years ago! CRAZY! We talked about the good old days! And how we took that time for granted. How we wished we would have taken the time to enjoy and really treasured each and every moment we had. We had no idea that it would go so fast... that we would drift ... that life would take us on separate paths so soon.
Life is like that you know. I have so many relationships that have just changed over time! I mean we talk on the phone and email or facebook ... but its not the same! Its not being roommates and neighbors and best friends!!! Its not being able to stay up all night with each other just watching tv, its not knowing everything (whether you want to or not ... ha) about that person's life, it's not making crazy trips, and doing crazy things! Its a different kind of friendship. I miss those kind of relationships. We reminisced and laughed and got teary eyed.
Makes me realize how precious life is. How valuable time is ... which reminds me ... people are dying everyday! People are going to HELL everyday! People in my own family dont know the Lord! People I love don't know Jesus. People I work with don't know Him. People I come in contact with on a daily basis at work ... don't know the Saviour! I can't waste time!I can't live in the past, I have great memories to keep with me, but I have to keep going forward with the plan God has laid out for me.

To teach or not to teach?

So I have pretty much decided I am supposed to TEACH. Which I have been super excited about! BUT the closer it gets, the more anxious I become and the more I let Satan get a foot in the door.

I have started to doubt my abilities to handle children. I have always known that I LOVE them, but now I worry that I will be too much of a pushover. I worry I am not strong enough emotionally to handle the baggage that these children will come with ... basically I WORRY ... hmm didn't realize till writing this out ... WORRY WORRY WORRY! God says do not fear ... hmm I am fearing man in a major way. ouch

So the other part of me is trying to convince myself that teaching is not a practical job for me at this time in my life. I have convinced myself that the bank would be better because I don't have all the time off at holidays ... since I have no one to spend them with anyway. I may as well work year around since I don't have a family to care for! Somehow I have let people, the culture, and even my own mind convince my that I don't have the life to be a teacher. ugh!

Why is it so easy for me to get caught up in all the crap of the world?!? Why can't I just be content where I am?

Please pray that I can stay focused and just do what God calls me, regardless of what the world says!

Help Me Belive

*I know Halei beat me, but I love this song too much not to blog about it too .

This is a BEAUTIFUL precious song by DONNA STUART!!! It really speaks to me! It helps me when I struggle with condemnation and my self esteem. It is such a beautiful reminder of WHO God is and what HE has done for us ... each and everyone one of us!
Its not a club where people are excluded! God loves US! All of us! The short people, the tall people, the people who are super smart, the people who are really good at math, the people who are really good with English stuff, the people who aren't good at the whole school thing, the people who have imperfect skin, and are flawed ... He is for us!
No matter what we have been thru ... what horrible sins we have committed... or have been committed against us ... He chooses us day in and day out ... we just have to remember to choose HIM and to LET Him choose us back!

All that I’ve done and all that’s been do to me
Drove nails through Your hands hard and fast to the tree.
And all these lies that I live and the shame in my story;
You covered with blood for Your name and Your glory.

Jesus, help me believe.
Jesus, help me receive.
That this girl You’ve created You have redeemed.
Lord, help me believe this.
Lord, help me receive.
This daughter you’ve rescued, You have washed her clean.

So I raise out stretched arms with my knees to the earth.
And I bow down my heart for in You is my worth.
And shout from this mountain; great joy in my soul.
Hallelujah! King Jesus, in You I am whole.

And when I am tempted to believe something less,
I run to Your word embracing forgiveness.
Thank You loving me and thank You for healing me.

How music ruins my life!

So I have a confession ... music can make or break me!
In high school I LIVED with my lovey dovey county music! I was constantly wrapped up in the fantasy world of romance that the songs promised me! I was deceived into thinking that's how it works in the real world! Prior to getting saved I thought that's how life was! I thought that was how it really happened ... for those girls who deserved it ... those girls who were worthy ... pretty enough ... special enough! I let those lyrics consume my thoughts, my emotions, my life! I let the fact that my life didn't mirror those make me feel unworthy and unloved! I let it affect my self esteem and my value!
Once I got saved, my eyes were open to the LIES satan was using in that music! I do not believe that music in and of itself is bad. I just know that it is a weakness for me! I know that it IS a HUGE temptation for me to put myself back in that fantasy world!
Recently I got to see that God is not through working on me in that area! I started listening to this CD ... Colbie Calliet. The song i first listened to was cute and catchy and a little lovey! BUT after listening to the WHOLE cd I found another song that fit how I felt and magnified it 100 times! Every time I listened to it my feelings intensified, I thought it was ok cause this song was singing about it ... it made me feel good! UGH! Sick! Inside I knew that the music was trying to make me fill that DEEP VOID, DEEP LONGING that GOD is supposed to fill! NOT this world, not some boy, not some emotion! UGH! I haven't been able to listen to #7! I don't want to let that song, that music, this world convince me that anything other GOD can fill me! I wonder if GOD sings that song thinking the same thing but about me ...
Take time to realize,
that your warmth is.
Crashing down on in.
take time to realize,
That I am on your side
If you just realize
what I just realized,
Then we'd be perfect for each other
and will never find another
Hmmm .... Thinking about it that way is cool ... considering it as God singing it to me ... WOW!I mean I wonder if He gets frustrated and is like KAREN!!! Wake up! I love you! I need you to realize you are so special to me, so precious! You ARE perfect in me, not in some boy! realize KAREN realize ...

Crazy Things?

Wow! I thought I was for sure too old to take a random, UNPLANNED trip somewhere ... especially in the middle of the night! There is nothing like having a wonderful friend to keep me young and remind me that I can do it though! Ha!

So basically one of my craziest, bestest friends shows up at my house on Monday at about 8 pm. I am exhausted from the time change AND from planning/hosting an exciting MURDER MYSTERY party this past weekend! So naturally, I am just laying in bed watching tv. This crazy kid comes over with a suggestion ... a midnight picnic at the capital! Ha! I am actually surprised I agreed ... it must have been the delliria!

But boy am I so glad I went! It was spontaneous! It was sooo much fun! The drive ... just us girls jammming out singing LOUD and PROUD (and bad on my part), having girl talk and just really getting to know each other better! The kinda fun with NO stress! Usually I love trips! They can be stressful because I have to plan who is going, what are we driving, where are meeting, when are we leaving, when will we be back, what are we doing there, etc ... if you have been with me you know this! I have a plan and don't like to get off course... Life is kinda like that too ... maybe this was a reminder that I don't have to have control! I mean it was fun and it turned out just fine EVEN THOUGH I didn't plan anything! Maybe that's what God wants me to see ... hmm ... not my purpose for this ... it just came to me!

Anywho ... If i have ANY readers left, I just wanna know if you ever did this! Packed up and went somewhere with friends! Roadtrips? Anything? I SO want to do this more often!!!

Cutting the Flesh

Wow church today was AMAZING! This has been a stressful, long week! But I know that God was speaking to me today! I have been fighting it! It was not what I wanted to hear ... through a skit at church last week and the message this week, I feel it is clear what I am to do!

I have been in a relationship that is NOT healthy! Emotionally, it has been a roller coaster of ups and downs and confusion and hurt and happiness! But looking back I see that it is not a relationship that in and of itself blesses my Father! It is for sure something that has distracted my from my relationship with the Lord. I was reminded today though, that I can REPENT right now and turn back to God and HE will be there waiting patiently for me! The silence I have been experiencing and dryness I have suffered will hopefully be better now! I KNOW that I have to cut the flesh in this area of my life! I have to get right with God!

And even though there was no "real" relationship ... it seems almost like a breakup! I feel like a loser! Its just like the skit was saying! I have let the culture define me! I feel like I am not good enough, not pretty enough, kinda like I hate myself! AUGH!!! I know this boy does NOT define me! I KNOW that! But I felt regret, stupid, condemnation for being deceived about his feelings!Why does it have to be so hard?

I know why! Because I WAS DECEIVED! I was not walking in the truth! I was listening (with my ears ... stupid music ... and heart) to emotions and feelings and people who told me what me itchy ears wanted to hear! I was living in the world and NOT according to the WORD! Ouch! So now I sit here suffering the consequences of my disobedience!