I was overwhelmed by discovering today how much I let FEAR control my life. I mean I always knew that I was a bit of a chicken in most areas of my life. But today I was paralyzed by the realization how deep it goes. The most obvious fear is food. I have it in my head that I am SCARED to try new foods. I have gotten to the point where I KNOW my eating habits are not healthy so I work up the nerve to try something and I will either chicken out OR put it in my mouth and immediately gag! This might seem crazy ... but this is me!
FEAR! I fear rejection, I fear loss, I fear failure, I fear being REAL. I have such a hard time opening up to people about everything because I fear what they will think. I feel they will know what a freak I really am and reject me. I can't be honest about my feelings because I fear loss of friendship. I randomly found this book "When a Woman Lets Go of Her Fears" and have read two chapters. I feel like it was written FOR me. I had no idea how much fear cripples me! It controls me! "We all have choices . We can give into those nagging fears and let opportunities be ruined or we can put fear in proper perspective and make the best decisions based on God's will". I am so tired of being an emotional/physical/spiritual wreck based on these fears. I have spent 27 years being held captive by these stupid fears. I have people pleased my way through life, not being the real me ... just being who society told was acceptable. I am scared that I will end up alone, that I'll never find someone who will want to marry me, that I will never have a chance to be a Mom. That my friends will all get married and forget about me . I worry that I am not enough to make my family proud!
SOOOO its time to stop this crap and trust the Lord with my fears. It is time to tell people how messed up I am (I want to vomit just thinking about this). I want to be honest about my desires/feelings. Just putting this in writing took a leap of faith. Just admitting this ... even to myself ... brought out lots of emotion and tears.
I hope thru this pain there can come healing and restoration. I know this will be a long/interesting journey and it is TIME to start it.
