I have a new song obsession by Kellie Pickler . It describes how I feel in this time in my life. I feel like I cant let anyone close to me, I can't trust someone to genuinely care for me. "Scared to let someone in, Can't bear to get hurt again" the lyrics say. That is me. I am afraid to open up to my family, my friends. I am afraid to let them see me hurt, see my cry, afraid to let them see my imperfections, afraid of what they will think.
And one of my biggest fears is "Don't wanna let life pass me by Never knowing what its like To be as real as real can be To share my life and know my dreams". I am scared of growing old alone. Do I have too high of standards for people to be in my life? Do I even deserve the happiness others get? Will I have made a difference in anyone's life? Will anyone want to share mine with me? Will I spend my entire life hiding in a shell? What a shallow, unfullfilling life that will be.
Mostly, my favorite part of this song says: "Cause I'm hurt and I'm scared and I'm lonely All I want is somebody to want me Cause I've got so much to give".
I really feel like I have a lot to offer to a family, to a husband, to friends, to children. I feel like the Lord blessed me with a people personality for a reason. BUT am I just missing out, am I not seeing opportunities when they are in front of me, or is my head just all messed up?

Faith and Anxiety

Faith? Are you kidding me? If I am being honest here, I am too stressed, I am too scared, too emotional, too crazy right now to just REST and TRUST that the Lord to provide for me. To provide what I NEED not what I think I need. To trust that he KNOWS the desires of my heart, He knows that I desire to be a teacher, to make a difference in kid’s lives. He KNOWS that I desire a husband who loves and serves Him; that I desire to be a mom… I mean really He CREATED me …. How can I not think he knows?!?
I mean really my way of thinking and overanalyzing hasn’t really done a whole lot for me … unless you count turning me into a crazy, roller coaster of emotions woman!
And after losing my Mamaw, living here in this strange town, not knowing anyone, not even knowing myself I began to have panic attacks.
Recently, I was put on an anxiety medicine because I couldn't breathe. I am scared to be dependent on meds for my emotional state. I dont want to be messed up. I am trying to stop believing lies from the enemy! I pray for wisdom! I need discernment.