Saturday, November 13, 2010

FEAR


I was overwhelmed by discovering today how much I let FEAR control my life. I mean I always knew that I was a bit of a chicken in most areas of my life. But today I was paralyzed by the realization how deep it goes. The most obvious fear is food. I have it in my head that I am SCARED to try new foods. I have gotten to the point where I KNOW my eating habits are not healthy so I work up the nerve to try something and I will either chicken out OR put it in my mouth and immediately gag! This might seem crazy ... but this is me!
FEAR! I fear rejection, I fear loss, I fear failure, I fear being REAL. I have such a hard time opening up to people about everything because I fear what they will think. I feel they will know what a freak I really am and reject me. I can't be honest about my feelings because I fear loss of friendship. I randomly found this book "When a Woman Lets Go of Her Fears" and have read two chapters. I feel like it was written FOR me. I had no idea how much fear cripples me! It controls me! "We all have choices . We can give into those nagging fears and let opportunities be ruined or we can put fear in proper perspective and make the best decisions based on God's will". I am so tired of being an emotional/physical/spiritual wreck based on these fears. I have spent 27 years being held captive by these stupid fears. I have people pleased my way through life, not being the real me ... just being who society told was acceptable. I am scared that I will end up alone, that I'll never find someone who will want to marry me, that I will never have a chance to be a Mom. That my friends will all get married and forget about me . I worry that I am not enough to make my family proud!
SOOOO its time to stop this crap and trust the Lord with my fears. It is time to tell people how messed up I am (I want to vomit just thinking about this). I want to be honest about my desires/feelings. Just putting this in writing took a leap of faith. Just admitting this ... even to myself ... brought out lots of emotion and tears.
I hope thru this pain there can come healing and restoration. I know this will be a long/interesting journey and it is TIME to start it.

1 comment:

Unknown said...

Karen! As much as I would love to say, "Put on you big girl panites" right now, I think you already did! I am so proud of you for being so honest! I am so excited about what the Lord has in store for you, what He is going to reveal to you as you release your fears. He is going to do great things... as He already has and is. The excitement is better than dancing with the statues around the capitol, better than singing at the top of our lungs to Taylor Swift, better than any boy could ever be... the excitement is knowing the Lord like you have never known Him before!
I love you!