I was just blown away today. I can't even begin to tell you how good God is. He is just so amazingly wonderful. What better reminder than perfect weather. The weather really makes you stop and thank God for everything He has created. Just starting off first thing this morning being so greatful to God really made a difference. I was just so joyful all day long. I couldnt stop smiling. Days like that just dont happen near as often as they should you know. We are so caught up in our own selves and we just forget that it is by the grace of God that we are here. We become stressed and worried and selfish and dont stop and remember the REASON or the PERSON who is in control! We lose so much joy cause we conform to this world! My Mom forwarded this email to me and I wanted to share it with yall! It is very convicting!Take care and GOD BLESS!!!

As you got up this morning, I watched you, and hoped you would talk to me, even if it was just a few words, asking my opinion or thanking me for something good that happened in your life yesterday. But I noticed you were too busy, trying to find the right outfit to wear.When you ran around the house getting ready, I knew there would be a few minutes for you to stop and say hello, but you were to busy. At one point you had to wait fifteen minutes with nothing to do except sit in a chair. Then I saw you spring to your feet. I thought you wanted to talk to me but you ran to the phone and called a friend to get the latest gossip instead. I watched patiently all day long. With all our activities I guess you were too busy to say anything to me! I noticed that before lunch you looked around, maybe you felt embarrassed to talk to me, that is why you didn't bow your head. You glanced three or four tables over and you noticed some of your friends talking to me briefly before they ate, but you didn't. That's okay. There i s still more time left, and I hope that you will talk to me yet.You went home and it seems as if you had lots of things to do. After a few of them were done, you turned on theTV. I don't know if you like TV or not, just about anything goes there and you spend a lot of time each day in front of it not thinking about anything, just enjoying the show. I waited patiently again as you watched the TV and ate your meal, but again you didn't talk to me. Bedtime I guess you felt too tired. After you said goodnight to your family you plopped into bed and fell asleep in no time. That's okay because you may not realize that I am always there for you. I've got patience, more than you will ever know.... I even want to teach you how to be patient with others as well. I love you so much that I wait everyday for a nod, prayer or thought, or a thankful part of your heart. It is hard to have a one-sided conversation. Well, you are getting up once again. Once again I will wait, with nothing but love for you. Hoping that today you will give me some time. Have a nice day! Your friend,GOD

Wow! Its been a while. Hmm I guess I just got to busy to take the time and sit and write. Although to my defense I did sit and write one on Friday but accidently erased it while editing. Anyways, its that time of the semester we all love. Suckin it up to make it thru the last week so we can take our finals. The closing of this semester is bittersweet for several reasons. I just cant believe how fast it goes. Lots of things coming to an end. We are actually grown ups. Scary huh? Well I am very thankful for my job at Transportation Services. God really blessed me with some amazing, godly women as my coworkers. It is such an encouragment to work with them. We are all so different but are constantly pushing each other to be better whether it be thru talking or just watching how they handle themselves. God is just totally at work in their hearts and it pushes me to want to be better too! I have really come to term with the fact that I have lots of friends. But I dont really have a whole lot of people who inspire me because of God in their lives. I am slowly starting to connect with other believers in my church. Its very humbling to be around these AMAZING people. They arent shy about their faith, they arent too proud to tell you they struggle, and they are just SO loving! They definatly convict me when I try to pretend I have it all under control. Hmm. Funny I never really knew how much I needed, wanted, desired to have control. Im coping with the fact that I am not supposed to! Im finally learning to pry my fingers off my life, my sin, the people who I think I can save! Its getting easier to trust God. Dont get me wrong I still STRUGGLE with it, but it gets easier the more and more I do it. I have been keeping a bitterness log and writing all the times I get angry or bitter. WOW. Sometimes you dont even realize that it is second nature till you start keeping up with it. It has been a good experience. I am makin myslef go back a few days after each entry and write why I acted the way I did. Hopefully soon I will see a decline in the number of entries. For now I am tryin to take captive EVERY thought. I am just trusting God that He will free me from this nasty, ugly sin in my life. I know He has big plans for me and I cant possibly carry out Gods will if I am too busy being mad and bitter about the past or what other people did or didnt do for me. Its so stupid. But I know God will work it all out for HIS glory. So thats about it! Hope everyone has a great week and gets plenty of rest for FINALS!

Selfless Love

So do you ever catch yourself acting in a way that makes you sick to your stomach? Its so easy to spot the sins in other peoples lives, but when we see it in our own heart it makes us sick! This is exactly how I felt when I realized that I was storing up this anger and bitterness from someone hurting my feelings, only to see that I had carried these feelings over to my other relationships. I have let myself become scared to love, scared to care becuase I dont want to get my feelings hurt again. Well NEWSFLASH everyone is not gonna always please me, people are gonna hurt my feelings, people will let me down, but God won't! Maybe God knows that I had put that relationship above Him. Someone once told me that God knows the person (people) we most desire approval from and purposly withholds it from us, so that we will lean on HIM! And what good does being scared do? Who does it help? 1 John 4:18 says "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love". Yet how often do I LIVE in fear? This fear of rejection, fear of not being loved by this world. It just makes me sick! Why have I wasted 23 years of my life living in this pit. Thinking I have to have apporaval and acceptance from anyone other than my God. God has called us to agape love. We are to give and keep giving EVEN when we receive NOTHING in return. We are to love in ATTITUDE and ACTION! I have got to stop loving based on feelings! Feelings = flesh! I have to learn to be completely selfless with my love. I dont deserve ANYTHING! I know that if I can learn to biblically love (not worldly love) my brothers and sisters in Christ then I will be set free from this bitterness that I have been dealing with. God can set me free!
"Generally speaking, to have the happiness, joy, and fullfillment you desire, you must put yourself aside and place God and others first. In regards to your relationship with God, set your heart on glorifying God whether you get your way or not". Martha Peace

Idolatry

In my sociology class we talked about the McDonaldization of society. How we are people of convience and we want what we want when we want it. If you apply that to our spiritual walks more than likely you will see the same thing. We talk to our God only when we need something or have a desire. When we do take things to Him we expect immediate results. When things arent what we expected we get angry and wonder if God really loves us. We take things into our own hands cause we dont get the answer fast enought, or its not the answer we WANT. Yea. Thats pretty crappy of us huh. Maybe you dont ever do this, but I can't lie to you. I do it more often than I would like to admit. I am reading a new book and it seems as though it was written for me. Things I never thought about, but definatly do have been revealed to me. Idolatry is what this book is about. Why do we think we have to have certain things or people in our lives? What do they REALLY mean to us? How far are we willing to go to attain these things? Why are these desires so powerful? Ask yourself these questions. Sometimes we let these desires of our heart consume us and it becomes so strong that it totally messes up our thinking. I have realized that my desire to have godly relationships has become an idol in my life. Granted there is nothing wrong with wanting to surround myself with godly people, it is a blessing and a source of joy BUT it seems as though I have allowed this to take top priority in my life. When we make relationships conditional they are not of God. We cant expect people to bless us because we act a certian way, and we cant only love people when they act the way we would like. If we do the things and act the way we do because we are motivated by God's love then there is no problem. But so often we do them primarily to satisfy our own desires. Idols make us desperate to keep them. We sell ourselves to them, and we believe that the loss of them is an unbearable affliction - a curse even. We become isolated, desperate, sad, hopeless. This is where I have found myself. But there is hope! We can rest knowing Gods grace and mercy is avaliable to us.

Deceived

Satan has really deceived me in my relationships with other people. He has made me think that I have to get something in return since I give so freely to others. But God has really showed me that it is a LIE. He revealed to me in Matthew 5:38-42. " You have heard that it was said, 'Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth. But I tell you, Do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if someone wants to sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well. If someone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles. Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you". Wow! So God commands us to LOVE each other and expect NOTHING in return. Yet how selfish are we to think we DESERVE something! Afterall, we have already been given GRACE. Knowing that affects probably 90% of my relationships. I have let myself get so mad when people treated me badly. I didn't even know this was a sin. God has definatly continued to love me EVERY time I have put something or someone over Him, when I chose this world and its temporary pleasures over chosing Him. OUCH! How dare I think I can get mad when I am not someone else's priority! I have found it so humbling to take the mistreatment, remarks, and being overlooked. Sometimes things are NOT worth fighting over (as long as it is not a sin issue), I need to remember that. So many times I have got my feelings hurt and in the flesh acted out in unbiblical ways ... gossip, anger, bitterness to name a few! Being in the flesh is the key here, we cant allow ourselves to live in the flesh. This is where we are guaranteed to sin! So anyways this is just something that has been on my heart so there you have it! Hope everyone has an amazing Spring Break! Be careful wherever God takes you!

FYI

These last few weeks have been very hectic so I just wanted to let anyone out there reading this that I am still alive. And I could definatly use any prayers you guys wanna send my way. So much going on and lots of stress and anxiety! I will be updating soon, just have to make it thru 5:30 on Friday!!!

Reproof

Biblical reproof is telling someone what they are doing wrong with an intent to restore them to a right relationship with God. It is definatly a lost art in our generation. We dont rebuke or reprove those we love. I know I have fallen short here, but I also know that there have been VERY few times when anyone has loved me enough to tell me where I am sinning as well. I dont think it is necessarily that we dont LOVE each other, I think we just are scared! We are scared of how they will react, how it will affect our relationship, if there will be lots of tension; but shouldnt we be more scared that by letting them go on in their sin they may find theirself going to hell?!? When you put it that way, OUCH! We are sometimes so blindsided by our own sins! And when we do realize it, usually only cause we have hit rock bottom, we wonder why no one ever told us? Did people you call your "friends" not really see the area of disobedience in your life ... or were they too scared to call you out on it. Having to tell someone that you love about an area of their life where you see the are fallin from Christ is perhaps the scariest thing we will ever do. We must pray about it and be genuine when we go to them. I know a lot of the times I think that hinting to someone about a sin in there life is good enough. Its NOT! People are oblivious to vauge indirect hints. Sometimes we feel that we are not qualified to reprove someone cause we are not perfect, or even worse cause we struggle with the EXACT same thing that we are gonna call them out on. And a lot of times we think well I will just pray for them. Scripture is clear that as Christians we are called to help each other become more like Christ. As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another. (Proverbs 27:17) If we claim to be Christians we are held to the word of God as our final authority. I am CLAIMING Jesus Christ as my savior! So I am beggin you, if you are also making that same claim and can see areas of my life where I have fallen short PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE love me enough to call me on it. I may not even know what I am doing. I want to be made like Christ more and more every day! I cant promise I wont get my feelings hurt, but guess what I WILL get over it. It is very humbling to have someone come to you and want to help you. I will do everything in my power to receive reproof as well as I can. I am dyin for someone to love me enough to hold me accountable. And we urge you brothers, warn those who are idle, encourage the timid, help the weak, and be patient with everyone. (1 Thess 5:14)

Amazing

So I only cried minimally today. My Mom told me that she is taking my Dad to Houston tomorrow to the heart specialist. He has been having problems and the doctors said his heart was enlarged. Not really sure what that means, but I am guessing its not good. So please keep him and my family in your prayers with that.
Tonight was such a nice distraction, I actually enjoyed myself. I FINALLY caught up with my girl Sarah whom I feel like I NEVER EVER see anymore. We hung out and caught up. Then we went to some friends house. We had such a good time. Just laughing and joking around, I felt so carefree. Why cant every day be like that? Why do we complicate things so much that we dont even enjoy life anymore? These are some friends that are definatly good to have around. Things are not complicated and everyone just enjoys each others company.
LOVE LIFE. Love the people around you. Love GOD. Nothing else really matters. God will take care of you, just be obedient. Stop making things complicated, just obey!
Well, i just had some more tears. My Bible study leader JUST emailed us that they had been chosen as foster parents for a 1 year old and 2 year old. HOW AMAZING. They had just gotten approved to be foster parents and how quickly God answered their prayers. The children have been taken from their mother for neglect. This is such an amazing opportunity the Hendrick family has to show the love of our great, amazing GOD! Please keep them in your prayers, that all goes well and they get to adopt the 2 kids and their 5 day old baby sister as well. The Hendrick family is so full of love and compassion. I know God will bless them, but this whole process can take a while and be really hard.
Hope that everyone is having a great week!

Changes

Ok this has been one very tough, trying week for me ... and its only Tuesday! I have been praying for God to show me areas in my life where I am being disobedient AND relationships in my life that were not God centered. Wow after you beg long enough, it all starts to hit at once! I have seriously cried so much these past 3 days it is RIDICULOUS! But God is showing me things, so its ok! I'm getting clarity. This process of retraining myself is gonna be long and hard but I am so excited to know that I am doing it WITH God. Things in my life are changing and I have to quit resisting it! I am so scared to let things happen. It is time to start trusting GOD. I have started to realize just how much I rely on others and it makes me sick! I think this is why I have been so dissapointed and felt unloved and unneed these last few weeks. God wanted to BREAK me! He had to ... to make me see I am NOT looking to HIM for fulfillment 100% of time. He KNEW that one of my BIG sins was my people pleasing heart. He KNOWS, He has BROKEN me, and now I know He will RESTORE me. Don't get me wrong, I have a genuine heart for others. I just LOVE to LOVE on others. But sometimes, I have selfish motives! I know that sometimes I LOVE others so they will love me back, not because I want to be like Christ. When I stop and look at my selfish heart, I just can't believe it! I have just been wondering when my life got to be so screwed up, when did I start letting sin OVERTAKE my life. I am supposed to be a Christian, and sometimes my life does NOT reflect that. But hey I have decided that I am a work in progress. This may take time, it will take discipline and lots of talking with God. I just have to be patient so let Him work in my life, and be WILLING to change my ways. And guess what, just when I get one area of my life in order I am certain that God will just get to work on another area of my life. How great it is to have a God who is always at work in our lives.

Relationships

Why do most people want, need, or desire relationships? I dont just mean boyfriend/girlfriend relationships ... I mean EVERY kind of relationship out there. In bible study we just threw out some reasons ... loneliness, comfort, acceptance, value, worth, feel important, to be needed, to be desired, to be told we are beautiful, to feel special, to have attention ... these are just a few. When you really put it out there you realize how SELFISH we are. We talked about God-centered relationships and how they should look. If you are in a relationship of any kind (friendships included) for any of the reasons I mentioned more than likely that is not a healthy relationship. We were challenged to sit down and really question our friendships this week. Without even sitting down and thinkin I can name some that were not or are not glorifyin to my God. Ouch. Kinda sucks. When we look for a PERSON to fullfill all thoses things in our lives, we MUST know how much we will be let down. GOD is the only one who can do that. When we get angry, our get our feelings hurt, or tell someone off we should stop and ask ourselves why we are so worked up. Did the person commit a sin against you, or did they just do something you didnt like? People who are in Christ Jesus should not live the 50/50 relationship mentality. If you scratch my back I will scratch yours. We can't be friends based on the cirumstance ... its unstable! And our close friends should be those who refine us and who we refine. So many times we think of close relationships as the place where it is ok to sin. Who else can you gossip too, or lie to, or be bitter and angry to, and whatever sins you deal with. NO! Because we are close we should make each other more like God. If we really care about each other, we need to help each other be more and more like Christ. We should push each other to Him. But most importantly we should just love each other with all of our heart and expect nothing in return; which is so contradictory to the worlds view.
And as far as opposite sex friendships go, there were a lot of questions brought up tonight. I actually learned a lot here. Heather said girls have been trained so much to "guard your heart, guard your heart" and not let guys in. And I am not going to lie, after getting hurt one time I had that mentality (and still do to some extent). I thought I would just be friends with the guys in my life, but never get close to them, never let them see the real me. But she thinks this is unhealthy to a certian extent. We are not called to be transparent with the same sex only. It never says in the Bible! But there are lines. Advice we were given was to ask yourself if what you are about to share would be something you would be comfortable sharing with a biological brother than its probablly safe to share with your brothers in Christ. We must make sure we don't have motives for sharing things with them. Women are so good at manipulating, dont use this kind of intimacy as a weapon. But we have to be careful not to be stumbling blocks for each other. And they said that girls should not be afraid to ask a guy what his intentions are with her, especially if he has become a distraction to her. SO GOOD! I never really thought about it, and I think we are afraid of rejection. But if you are spending your time wondering if he likes you or doesn't like you (as more than a platonic friend), than he has probablly become a distraction, maybe even an idol, in your life. We spend too much of our precious time being distracted! God does not need us single people distracted, He has so much for us to do. So just ask your friend. And this goes for guys too. If he is a great, godly man he wont get mad or stop being your friend (although things may be uncomfortable for a bit), but I think he will respect you for wanting to stay focused on Jesus Christ. I did not mean to ramble on for this long ... hopefully I have encouraged you in some way tonight! God Bless

The Pushover Personality

The other day in my Excellent Wife Bible Study we talked about Philiippians 2:3 which says (in the NIV) "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider other better than yourselves". WOW. God's word is so good and so clear. I like to think I have a pretty big heart when it comes to loving on others, but I started to question if there is a line where to much is too much. This world has trained us to stand up for ourselves, do what we want, dont let people run over you. I have heard these things SOOO many times in the course of my life. I really struggled with this a while back and my friend Sarah gave me this verse "For GOD is pleased with you when, for the sake of your conscience, you patiently endure unfair treatment". (1 Peter 2:19) So I talked to Michelle (my mentor) and Heather and Jenn (my Bible study leaders) about this. They said just because my "doormat" (my word not theirs) personality was NOT the norm does NOT mean that it is not how I should act. Afterall, how many ways of the Bible are actually the norm? So being a "pushover" may not necessiarly be the way the world would suggest I act, its exactly how Jesus commands us to! Now don't get me wrong, you are supposed to stand up when the other person is involved in sin or tryin to involve you in it. But if its just a perspective issue, or a comfort thing ... its not worth fighting about. Another brief thing I want to throw out there is how much we have been taught that lying is OK! "It's just a white lie" some say, or "you were doing it to protect them". But I did some research and there are a TON of verses, SCRIPTURE to back up how God sees lies, even "little white" ones. In Revelation 22:15 God compares liars to other sinners "Outside are the dogs, those who practice magic acts, the sexually immoral, the murders, the idolators, and everyone who LIES and practices falsehood"! WOW! He sees lyin the same way he sees murder! Have we seriously become so brain washed that we believe its OK?!? I know that I had. I didnt realize how HUGE it is, and how often we (myself included) just act like it is nothing or we justify it!!! I have found so many convicting and encouraging scriptures out there to meditate on and read EVERY day to remind myself. Here are a few of my favorite:Proverbs 13:3 "He who guards his lips guards his soul".Psalm 19:14 "God, may everything I think and everything I say today bring you pleasure". Proverbs 12:22 "The Lord detests lying lips, but He delights in men who are truthful". I know this was kind of long, but I was lying in bed and God would not let me sleep until I got this all out there, in case someone out there reading this needed to hear that. So please leave comments or encouragment or just a HELLO. Thanks and Gig 'Em!

Speechless...almost!

I am so thankful and truly blessed to be at a churh where older woman so desire to pour into their younger sisters. WOW! I spent 2 hours tonight with 3 older women and a younger woman from my church. It was such a sweet time of lifting up each other and learning and just being real. These women were wonderful. The told us things, we asked personal things, they want to try and save us the heartache of what they have been through in their lives. I respect these women so much and hope to one day be as much as an inspiration to younger women as these ladies are too me. There is so much to know about being a woman, being single, being a wife, being a mom and still loving God with all your heart at the same time. Oh how I have desired to have relationships like this, to have real christian fellowship. I am just so excited about the things I have to overcome. I am so excited to see how devoted I can be to my God and how he will bless my heart for being obedient to Him. I want to wake up each and every morning more on fire for God than the day before. I want to be the kinda woman that someone who sees the way I live my life says "Wow she is SOLD OUT for Jesus Christ"! So thats the goal and I hope it is for you as well. PLEASE let me know any way I can be prayin for you and I would appreciate any prayers you could send up on my behalf. We are in this together!

Unanswered Prayers

Wow! I can't say it enough ... God is AMAZING! When I stop to see how far He has brought me, I am speechless. This time last year and pretty much my whole life before then I can remember one constant. I thought I HAD to have a love interest! These interests were always people I knew I could never be with it seemed! I grew up with the mentality that I had to have a guy to make me really happy, even though it never happened. High school was somtimes pure torture! I had lots of friends, but you know how it is. They all jumped from guy to guy, or were exclusive with a guy. I wish I only knew then what I know now! We can't look for completeness in a person on this earth! Only God will provide that satisfaction in our lives. But last year I just prayed and prayed and prayed for God to take this desire from me. And He slowly would change my heart, but I would get frustrated and decide I knew better! But time and time again when I would stray or try to control my destiny God would be there tellin me He had other plans. This time last year I would have been desperatly tryin to win some guys attention and love, but God has set me free! He has shown me that I dont need an eartly relationship to be loved! He has ALL the love I could ever need! ALL of it!!! I am just at a point in my life now where I dont look for that at all. God has finally got it thru to me that I am ok where I am, He has a plan for me! I truly believe that now! I can rest knowing that He will provide for me; maybe not when I think He should but in HIS time. I look back now and think of these boys who I just knew I had to marry ... and I cant help but laugh. I can see He knows what He is doing! And this goes for EVERY aspect of out lives. He really does know whats best for us! Know that, trust that. So I will end with the chorus of this VERY appropriate song by Garth Brooks.
Sometimes I thank God
For unanswered prayers
Remember when you're talkin'
To the man upstairs
That just because He doesn't answer
Doesn't mean He don't care!
Some of God's greatest gifts are
unanswered prayers...!

Control

Being a control freak is a sin! I know this, and yet God can't seem to get me to pry my fingers from the control of my life. WHY??? I think God needs my help in anything? Doubtful. So anyway here is a little poem to better explain myself:

CONTROL
Life throws us a curveball to knock us off track;
We have it all planned, then something sets us back.
How naïve and prideful I can be,
To think God needs input from me
I have to submit my plans to my God
And accept what He has in store, no matter how odd.
Why do we want to have control so bad?
We can’t let go, then we end up wishing we had.
When we are of this world we become empty inside.
We fight for material things, our souls get set aside,
Trusting in me makes my life go up and down, I’m tired of the ride;
my feet desire the stable ground.
I desire to be planted in God alone
This will require me to get off my throne.
Time is precious and we must act fast
Make an impact, one that will last.

I just praise God for all the gifts He has given me. I am so blessed beyond words. He never ceases to amaze me. Even when I dont deservev His love, its there for me! Even when I am being stubborn and refuse to listen to Him, He calls me back to Him. Thats just our God ... he is that GREAT!!

With it getting close to that holiday us single people DREAD, I thought this poem I wrote would be quite appropriate. Just remember than no worldy love can ever compare to the love our Father has for each and every one of us. 1 John 4:1o ... read it! AMAZING ... that's our God! Well here is the poem. I just want yall to know that this was a struggle for me (as I am sure it is for others out there reading this ... if anyone reads this that is). BUT my God is so wonderful and faithful that he has delivered me out of this season of my life. He wants to take care of you and your struggles as well, so tell Him whats got you down! He IS the cure!
In God’s Hands
I’m falling so deep into this sin
Putting a guy over THE Guy again
God forgive me and call me back to you
This isn’t the first time; this is nothing new
I really want and need him to love me
So I force myself into his life selfishly
I know that I am an amazing girl
And I don’t need him in my world
My God is wonderful and loves me so much
So why do I keep dreaming about his touch
By the worldly standard this is really no big deal.
But You have called me to more, I know you are real.
So many friends I have watched get hurt
Idolatry isn’t something with which I wish to flirt
When love is in the air and engagement rings can be seen
Know that worldly love and jewelry can’t take the place of our King
Why do we try so hard to be loved by a man?
When we know he can’t love us like our God can.
God knows the desires I have within.
He will be faithful to deliver; only He knows when.
We chose guys over God and let Satan win
It’s a vicious cycle that I’m tired of being in.
So guard your heart, its time to go to war
I don’t know about you, but I don’t wanna lose anymore
God and His love are more than I need
I’m taking the back seat and letting Him lead.
Karen Davis
2005
PS I WOULD LOVE FEEDBACK FROM ANYONE OUT THERE READING MY BLOG!!! Please tell me what you think, tell me you have also been through what I am going thru, that you think I am insane, that you understand, that I am not alone with these sinfuls areas in my life, or just leave me some encouragment! It will be GREATLY appreciated!
God Bless

Confessing more sin

Well something happened today that usually happens to me when I go to Living Hope. Major conviction...ouch! Definatly not a fun place to be, but encouraging because that means God is still workin on me. If He didnt love me, he would NOT correct me. When I hear people talkin about the sin of pride or prideful people I think of arrogant, know it alls, not myself. But I know that by pretending to have it all together that I am being prideful. By not letting others in on my REAL feelings, I am being prideful. And by not confessing sin in my life, I am being prideful. And tonight at Bible Study I was convicted of yet another sin of mine that I often overlook; how I react to people and situations. God has called us to be holy as He is holy, not to be better than so and so. Pretty good is not good enough for our God! I look at the way I treat people when I am frustrated or anxious. My snappy attitude or rude remark or even sarcasm IS SIN!!! Philipians 2:3 basically tells us that we are to put other's over ourselves. Our reactions should NOT be contingent on other people around you. God has called his children to be LIKE him! So we need to stop being so petty about all the little disagreements and just love the other people! In Ephesians 5:21 we are told to submit to one another out of reverance for Christ. That is straight from the Bible; it is the TRUTH. We must live by the truth ... I know I fall short in this area. I apologize to anyone reading this if I have done this to you, if I have snapped at you over something stupid, if I have had a sarcastic comment to say when we disagreed. I recognize this as sin and confess it now!
I will end with this really good advice Heather told us tonight. She said this is something very important to know before you think you are ready to get married!Very good and kinda scary! You cant possibly think that you will submit to and obey an imperfect, human, man when you can't even obey your PERFECT God.

Reality is sinking in

Wow! Can you believe it is already February (or as my 2006 calendar says Febrero). January came and went so fast. Week 3 of school is almost complete, crazy! With Tiffany reminding me of how many days she has left here at A&M, its really starting to hit me; I am getting old and time is flying. I have already had friends graduate and leave this town. Its REAL. I have lost touch with friends, friends I may seldom get to see again, friends I used to lean on. And I am about to lose more! I'm just amazed how fast this time went by. And I am scared that I'll never make friends like these again. I know without a doubt that God will take care of me so I am tryin not to be too sad about it. But my good pal Chris is about to graduate and leave! Chris has always been there for me and I can count on him to cheer me up or give advice. But soon he will gradute and leave to move on to bigger and better things, just like the others. It seems so ironic that just when things are getting good and routine and dependable, they change. I know change is good and all, its just scary. But it's time to stop being scared and just enjoy every minute. This goes for every aspect in life. I was listening to KSBJ when Chris Tomlin came on. Medidate on these words:
I want to live like there's no tomorrow
I want to dance like no one's around
I want to sing like nobody's listening
Before I lay my body down
I want to give like I have plenty
I want to love like I'm not afraid
I want to be the man I was meant to be
I want to be the way I was made
This is my prayer for myself and you to live by everyday! We aren't guaranteed tomorrow. So stop being prideful and tell those people in your life that you love them. Dont be embarrassed hug them, love them! Stop being scared and tell that stranger or classmate how GREAT your God is and what a difference He has made in your life. Don't save up all that money, you cant take it with you! Worship God with that voice, who cares if you can't sing (I bet you are better than me)! Just be like Christ. I know this is very cliche but really "what would Jesus do"? Make the most of your days, share, live, love, laugh! Be joyful always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus! 1 Thess 5:16-18 !

On the right path

Well I had my first comment on here ... very fun! Thanks Mrs. P! Anyways, life is going pretty great right now. I am so busy that I don't really have much time for myself. So I had my first mentor meeting. It was GREAT. I just love Michelle already (and her 4 beautiful children). It was really fun and emotional. We were told on Sunday that these women who will mentor us were told to dig deep, be transparent with us, and make us do the same with them. That’s not really something I am comfortable with. But you know what, I don’t have a choice. In order to be free from our addictions or sins we must confess them. So I opened up to this woman who I have known for 20 minutes about things that some (most actually) of my friends don't even know! It was the scariest thing I have had to do. There were tears and hugs ... it was great and sooo freeing! I learned so much from her in this afternoon! And I know I will be a better woman after spending this semester with her!In other news I'm working at Champions after school program with the kiddos on Monday, Wed, and Friday. I have to get my CPR and First Aid training tomorrow, maybe I could save your life one day. My job is pretty fun and also makes me glad I don’t have any of my own right now! Haha! I am lookin for a Tuesday/Thursday job. If you know of one ... please let me know.I am takin a self defense class this semester, which has proven to be quite fun. I can't wait to get attacked so I can defend myself... haha! If you see me walkin on campus try to attack me! I can practice my self defense on you THEN I can practice my CPR/First Aid on you! Sound fun?!?Anyways, I guess that’s it ... for now! I should really hit the books! Leave me some love...

Plastic people

So I was talkin to a friend the other day and he asked what I did the night before. I said nothing exciting; just went to eat and then covered up all my grey hairs. To this he jokingly replied "girls spend way to much time tryin to cover things up". But it was a really good point, and it kinda stung. Not just girls in general, but Christians, thats what we do. We try so hard to cover our imperfections and make ourselves "pretty" in the eyes of the world. If I am truly honest with myself I have a bad habit of this! How hard I try to look like I have it all together! Like Bethany Dillon's song says
Crying myself to sleep'cause I can not keep their attention
Thought I could be strong,but it's killing me
I wanna be beautiful,make you stand in awe
look inside my heart and be amazed
I want to hear you say,who I am is quite enough
Just wanna be worthy of love and beautiful...
Sometimes I wish I was someone other than me
Fighting to make the mirror happy
Trying to find whatever is missing
Well I KNOW what is missing; God! I always seem to leave him out of the equation then when I try to sovle the problems of my life I can't seem to get it right! Well DUH! I cant do it on my own so I need to stop pretending I can. I AM a SINNER, I DO have STRUGGLES, and I need to start being real. Please have the guts and love me enough to call me out when I am acting all tough AND when I am sinning. Im beggin for your help. If I get mad, I WILL get over it and in the end I will THANK you for loving me enough to call me out. I will end with a convicting line from Casting Crown's song "Stained Glass Masquerade"
Are we happy plastic people
Under shiny plastic steeples
With walls around our weakness
And smiles to hide our pain

If they only knew...

I've really been thinkin about things a lot more than usual. I have these moments where things get so overwhelming (well my emotions at least) and it just all comes spilling out into a poem. So thats what I am gonna share today. I have a disclaimer though. I am NOT a good poet, and I HATE sharing with other people. So please dont judge this, just listen to what it says. Thanks so much and hope you have a blessed day!

If they only knew…
So many people in one single place
If anyone looks, I put that smile on my face
I look like an ordinary girl on the outside,
What would they think if they knew the thoughts in my mind?
The things that cross my mind; and oh how have I have lied
If they knew the truth would they still be by my side?
I deal with anger, self conscious, and jealousy too
What would they think if they only knew…
I’m a simple girl screaming for attention and love
Looking for it everywhere, except from the Heavens above.
Making myself miserable, just to please everyone around
Tears stream down my face as my body falls to the ground.
This obsession that I have is like a disease
Make everyone happy; let them treat me as they please
When I am with them, I still feel all alone
Empty inside but I don’t let out a moan
It seems as though no one really cares
Everyone is too wrapped up in their own affairs
I have time to listen to how their life’s gone wrong
But to listen to me, would just takes too long
The reliable friend they know they can call
And sometimes I wonder do they know me at all?