A Crazy Life

So life in the substituting world is quite interesting. I have been subbing for a week now. First day was not so good. I was in a pretty rough Title 1 middle school. I was teaching 7th grade language arts. It was quite a surprise! My phone was stolen from inside my desk ... yea not so good. I called my Mom after school, from the office at the school, crying! Ha I know what your thinking. I am not that big of a baby though. This was just the icing on the cake for a few bad weeks. And not to mention it was the month anniversary of Mamaw's passing.
I enjoy subbing. I am getting a good feel for the area, what grades I enjoy, and what schools are effective and good to work in. I have had some rough days, and some rough experiences. But I am learning!
It has now been 5 weeks since Mamaw left us. I miss her so much. I find myself having breakdowns at the weirdest times, over the weirdest things. I want to pick up the phone and call her, I want to send her the annual Halloween card, I want to hug her and I know I can't. The upcoming holidays will be hard I am told. I have never lost anyone really close to me. This is so weird, so hard, so sad.
I am still adjusting to living here. Its been so weird living alone in a new place. Its been hard not having a church home, and church family. Familiarity is not here... where to get my haircut, where to get my eyebrows waxed, where to shop, where to buy gas, doctors???? All the little things, things I was comfortable with in Bryan, sometimes stress me out! I know I am crazy!
Anywho, this is just my way of journaling, getting things out! Hopefully will do this more often!

While I'm Waiting...

I heard this song from the movie Fireproof. It is such a humbling, and fitting reminder of where I am in life right now, well where I should be as I go thru this complicated, crazy, scary, time in life. I am so antsy, so un-content, so alone right now. Its like I am waiting for my life to get back to normal... whatever that it. I am waiting to get a real job, I am waiting to stop crying everytime I think about my Mamaw, I am waiting to be married and have my own family instead of watching on the sidelines, I am waiting to have friends who care, I am waiting for my life to mean something, I am waiting to be happy, I am waiting to find a church and body here in a new town... and this song describes everything that I am NOT doing as I wait. Such a beautiful reminder and encouragment.

I’m waiting
I’m waiting on you, Lord
And I am hopeful
I’m waiting on you, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait.
I WILL MOVE AHEAD, BOLD AND CONFIDENT. TAKING EVERY STEP IN OBEDIENCE. WHILE I’M WAITING, I WILL SERVE YOU. WHILE I’M WAITING, I WILL WORSHIP. WHILE I’M WAITING, I WILL NOT FAINT. I’LL BE RUNNING THE RACE, EVEN WHILE I WAIT.
I’m waiting
I’m waiting on you, Lord.l
And I am peaceful
I’m waiting on you, Lord.
Though it’s not easy
But faithfully, I will wait.
Yes, I will wait.
I WILL SERVE YOU WHILE I’M WAITING, I WILL WORSHIP WHILE I’M WAITING, I WILL SERVE YOU WHILE I’M WAITING, I WILL WORSHIP WHILE I’M WAITING,I WILL SERVE YOU WHILE I’M WAITING, I WILL WORSHIP WHILE I’M WAITING ON YOU LORD.

Well it has been way to long since I have updated ... such a a slacker!!!

School has started for me... it keeps me pretty busy i must say. BUT I am really excited about being a teacher in the NEAR future! It is a lot of work and pretty hard! I have forgotten so much ... and so fast! I am required to observe 20 hours in a school as well. This has been hard to arrange with my full time work schedule ... but it proving to be quite rewarding.

I have gotten to know Rhonda from church very well through this experience. She just took this class last semester, which has been a blessing!

I am officailly living by myself now ... AUGH!!! I have survived a week and 1/2 now! YEA! Its not as bad as I thought , but it does get lonely!

Anyways, I have to hit the books!

Just an update! Hopefully more to come really soon!

The holiday season is upon us! So fast! AUGH! It seems like it was just this time last year. Where does it go? Have I really been graduated for 6 months? Am I really almost 25? What has happened to my life? I had dinner with two friends ... one last night and one the night before! Friends who I used to be INSEPARABLE from. That was FOUR years ago! CRAZY! We talked about the good old days! And how we took that time for granted. How we wished we would have taken the time to enjoy and really treasured each and every moment we had. We had no idea that it would go so fast... that we would drift ... that life would take us on separate paths so soon.
Life is like that you know. I have so many relationships that have just changed over time! I mean we talk on the phone and email or facebook ... but its not the same! Its not being roommates and neighbors and best friends!!! Its not being able to stay up all night with each other just watching tv, its not knowing everything (whether you want to or not ... ha) about that person's life, it's not making crazy trips, and doing crazy things! Its a different kind of friendship. I miss those kind of relationships. We reminisced and laughed and got teary eyed.
Makes me realize how precious life is. How valuable time is ... which reminds me ... people are dying everyday! People are going to HELL everyday! People in my own family dont know the Lord! People I love don't know Jesus. People I work with don't know Him. People I come in contact with on a daily basis at work ... don't know the Saviour! I can't waste time!I can't live in the past, I have great memories to keep with me, but I have to keep going forward with the plan God has laid out for me.

To teach or not to teach?

So I have pretty much decided I am supposed to TEACH. Which I have been super excited about! BUT the closer it gets, the more anxious I become and the more I let Satan get a foot in the door.

I have started to doubt my abilities to handle children. I have always known that I LOVE them, but now I worry that I will be too much of a pushover. I worry I am not strong enough emotionally to handle the baggage that these children will come with ... basically I WORRY ... hmm didn't realize till writing this out ... WORRY WORRY WORRY! God says do not fear ... hmm I am fearing man in a major way. ouch

So the other part of me is trying to convince myself that teaching is not a practical job for me at this time in my life. I have convinced myself that the bank would be better because I don't have all the time off at holidays ... since I have no one to spend them with anyway. I may as well work year around since I don't have a family to care for! Somehow I have let people, the culture, and even my own mind convince my that I don't have the life to be a teacher. ugh!

Why is it so easy for me to get caught up in all the crap of the world?!? Why can't I just be content where I am?

Please pray that I can stay focused and just do what God calls me, regardless of what the world says!

Help Me Belive

*I know Halei beat me, but I love this song too much not to blog about it too .

This is a BEAUTIFUL precious song by DONNA STUART!!! It really speaks to me! It helps me when I struggle with condemnation and my self esteem. It is such a beautiful reminder of WHO God is and what HE has done for us ... each and everyone one of us!
Its not a club where people are excluded! God loves US! All of us! The short people, the tall people, the people who are super smart, the people who are really good at math, the people who are really good with English stuff, the people who aren't good at the whole school thing, the people who have imperfect skin, and are flawed ... He is for us!
No matter what we have been thru ... what horrible sins we have committed... or have been committed against us ... He chooses us day in and day out ... we just have to remember to choose HIM and to LET Him choose us back!

All that I’ve done and all that’s been do to me
Drove nails through Your hands hard and fast to the tree.
And all these lies that I live and the shame in my story;
You covered with blood for Your name and Your glory.

Jesus, help me believe.
Jesus, help me receive.
That this girl You’ve created You have redeemed.
Lord, help me believe this.
Lord, help me receive.
This daughter you’ve rescued, You have washed her clean.

So I raise out stretched arms with my knees to the earth.
And I bow down my heart for in You is my worth.
And shout from this mountain; great joy in my soul.
Hallelujah! King Jesus, in You I am whole.

And when I am tempted to believe something less,
I run to Your word embracing forgiveness.
Thank You loving me and thank You for healing me.

How music ruins my life!

So I have a confession ... music can make or break me!
In high school I LIVED with my lovey dovey county music! I was constantly wrapped up in the fantasy world of romance that the songs promised me! I was deceived into thinking that's how it works in the real world! Prior to getting saved I thought that's how life was! I thought that was how it really happened ... for those girls who deserved it ... those girls who were worthy ... pretty enough ... special enough! I let those lyrics consume my thoughts, my emotions, my life! I let the fact that my life didn't mirror those make me feel unworthy and unloved! I let it affect my self esteem and my value!
Once I got saved, my eyes were open to the LIES satan was using in that music! I do not believe that music in and of itself is bad. I just know that it is a weakness for me! I know that it IS a HUGE temptation for me to put myself back in that fantasy world!
Recently I got to see that God is not through working on me in that area! I started listening to this CD ... Colbie Calliet. The song i first listened to was cute and catchy and a little lovey! BUT after listening to the WHOLE cd I found another song that fit how I felt and magnified it 100 times! Every time I listened to it my feelings intensified, I thought it was ok cause this song was singing about it ... it made me feel good! UGH! Sick! Inside I knew that the music was trying to make me fill that DEEP VOID, DEEP LONGING that GOD is supposed to fill! NOT this world, not some boy, not some emotion! UGH! I haven't been able to listen to #7! I don't want to let that song, that music, this world convince me that anything other GOD can fill me! I wonder if GOD sings that song thinking the same thing but about me ...
Take time to realize,
that your warmth is.
Crashing down on in.
take time to realize,
That I am on your side
If you just realize
what I just realized,
Then we'd be perfect for each other
and will never find another
Hmmm .... Thinking about it that way is cool ... considering it as God singing it to me ... WOW!I mean I wonder if He gets frustrated and is like KAREN!!! Wake up! I love you! I need you to realize you are so special to me, so precious! You ARE perfect in me, not in some boy! realize KAREN realize ...

Crazy Things?

Wow! I thought I was for sure too old to take a random, UNPLANNED trip somewhere ... especially in the middle of the night! There is nothing like having a wonderful friend to keep me young and remind me that I can do it though! Ha!

So basically one of my craziest, bestest friends shows up at my house on Monday at about 8 pm. I am exhausted from the time change AND from planning/hosting an exciting MURDER MYSTERY party this past weekend! So naturally, I am just laying in bed watching tv. This crazy kid comes over with a suggestion ... a midnight picnic at the capital! Ha! I am actually surprised I agreed ... it must have been the delliria!

But boy am I so glad I went! It was spontaneous! It was sooo much fun! The drive ... just us girls jammming out singing LOUD and PROUD (and bad on my part), having girl talk and just really getting to know each other better! The kinda fun with NO stress! Usually I love trips! They can be stressful because I have to plan who is going, what are we driving, where are meeting, when are we leaving, when will we be back, what are we doing there, etc ... if you have been with me you know this! I have a plan and don't like to get off course... Life is kinda like that too ... maybe this was a reminder that I don't have to have control! I mean it was fun and it turned out just fine EVEN THOUGH I didn't plan anything! Maybe that's what God wants me to see ... hmm ... not my purpose for this ... it just came to me!

Anywho ... If i have ANY readers left, I just wanna know if you ever did this! Packed up and went somewhere with friends! Roadtrips? Anything? I SO want to do this more often!!!

Cutting the Flesh

Wow church today was AMAZING! This has been a stressful, long week! But I know that God was speaking to me today! I have been fighting it! It was not what I wanted to hear ... through a skit at church last week and the message this week, I feel it is clear what I am to do!

I have been in a relationship that is NOT healthy! Emotionally, it has been a roller coaster of ups and downs and confusion and hurt and happiness! But looking back I see that it is not a relationship that in and of itself blesses my Father! It is for sure something that has distracted my from my relationship with the Lord. I was reminded today though, that I can REPENT right now and turn back to God and HE will be there waiting patiently for me! The silence I have been experiencing and dryness I have suffered will hopefully be better now! I KNOW that I have to cut the flesh in this area of my life! I have to get right with God!

And even though there was no "real" relationship ... it seems almost like a breakup! I feel like a loser! Its just like the skit was saying! I have let the culture define me! I feel like I am not good enough, not pretty enough, kinda like I hate myself! AUGH!!! I know this boy does NOT define me! I KNOW that! But I felt regret, stupid, condemnation for being deceived about his feelings!Why does it have to be so hard?

I know why! Because I WAS DECEIVED! I was not walking in the truth! I was listening (with my ears ... stupid music ... and heart) to emotions and feelings and people who told me what me itchy ears wanted to hear! I was living in the world and NOT according to the WORD! Ouch! So now I sit here suffering the consequences of my disobedience!

Maybe I don't REALLY trust God ... that is a scary thing to admit ... to say out loud. I mean I WANT to! I really really do! But wanting to do something and ACTUALLY doing it are two different things! I mean I say my prayers and I think that I believe but i just cant really get how BIG He is ... I don't ever think my little things are really that important compared to what other people have going on. I don't know if I don't pray with enough faith ... enough belief ... I KNOW deep in my heart I have my doubts. That's scary to me. That makes me wonder about my salvation ... can I be saved and still have doubts? I have just really been dry for months now ... I HAVE to find the root of the dry season in my life ... the root of these doubts ...
It's so great to see these girls who are so much younger than me at AWANA who are so excited, so inquisitive, so trusting, about the Lord. They come to us with these questions ... they know so much ... they remember so much ... how I wish I had the benefit of knowing what these sweet precious girls know at such a young age. Its so hard for me to not be mad that I didn't grow up in the church ... learning scripture ... learning the stories of the Bible ...
AUGH! This is kind of all over the place (as are my thoughts these days) so I will stop for now ...

With all the talk on Heather and Jenn's blogs about the whole dating thing, I have done a lot of soul searching. Growing up I never had a boyfriend. I have never even been on a date. Confession of all confessions: I have never even kissed a boy! Now dont get me wrong I LIKE boys just as much as the next girl! In High School I thought I was cursed and had it so bad. When my friends would tell me how lucky I was to not have all the baggage it was hard for me to believe them! College came and I won't lie ... I was angry! I thought I had been left out! Didnt understand why I had been forgotten! Couldn't believe that no one wanted me! Its so easy to always think the grass is greener on the other side.
I have learned so much from these ladies and all the women who have commented on their blogs about this whole dating thing! I have come to accept the blessing I have been given. I dont always handle it the way I should and I am not always greatful, but I am learning so much more everyday!
I have been blessed in that I have never had to struggle with my physical purity. But GUARDING my HEART is another thing!!! Keeping those emotional attachments at a healthy level is HARD for me. I am very much an emotional person and form those strong emotional ties that last forever with people ... guys included! It is so hard for me to keep that distance with my brothers. Anyone else? I love that connection ... feeling needed ... feeling special ...
On another note WHY has our culture stuffed down our throats that WOMEN are to go after what we want! The feminist generation have brainwashed us into thinking that we can have the power and ability and freedom to go all out for what we want .... jobs, men, sex, money! Growing up I wasnt allowed to call a boy much less puruse one! These days girls call, girls asks guys out, girls tell guys how they feel, girls CHASE! It seems a shy, submissive, patient girl doesn't have a chance when all these other girls are throwing themselves at boys! Whats up with that? My brother is a freshman in high school and he always has some girl calling him ... A comment was made to me a few weeks ago after I said I didnt feel the need to go out clubbing that my sister and I are not gonna find our husbands just going to work and church and school... No one believes that GOD can and WILL bring us our mate if we are just doing our thing. So many times I get caught up in that mentality as well.
Anyways these are just some thoughts on the whole dating thing...

Looking for the next milestone...

Isn’t is funny how we always to look forward to the milestones and swear things will be different, better? We say, oh once I graduate from high school and move away then I will become more responsible, then I will be really happy, that’s when life really starts!
College came and went. I kept reassuring myself that once I graduated from A&M I would have the time to love and serve the Lord! As soon as I become a "grown up" I would be a better person.
Well 4 or 5 or in my case 6 years later, I am still makin excuses! I’m still not doing what I am supposed to. I make excuses and have pity parties! Poor little me! Ha! And even as I write this, I can tell you just this week I found myself thinking … once I get married, my life will finally make sense, I will finally be loved and matter! Things wills finally be right! I will finally be happy. And once I have kids, I will really be important!
I keep trying in each stage of my life to fill that void, that emptiness that keeps me awake at nights. Wll, I graduated and have a full time job. Now I think maybe teaching will make me happy! Maybe I should work for A&M. Maybe I should move and try and start over for myself! I am so indecisive and impatient! I need help ... I need Jesus!!!

Ephesians 4:2

Ephesians 4:2 (NLT) "Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other's faults because of your love"
How often do I let someone get under my skin. Its not usually that they do something wrong to me. Sometimes its just a personality thing. I get so impatient and my thoughts, and unfortunately sometimes even my actions, are anything but HUMBLE!
American heritage dictionary defines humble as being "marked by meekness or modesty in behavior, attitude, or spirit; not arrogant or prideful".
Hmm ok so when I have a conflict with someone or have been done wrong, I am quite certain that I am not a humble person. Getting anrgy, even if I keep it inside does not show a humble heart. Joining in on the gossip about this "annoying" person ... NOT humble! Thinking I am better ... again no humbleness!
And what about gentleness? "Considerate or kindly in disposition; amiable and tender. Not harsh or severe; mild and soft". How many times do I have gentle thoughts and feelings toward that person? Ha! Its not natural to react this way, to have such feelings for someone who has wronged you or even just someone who annoys you. With Christ though, it is possible! Christ has to mean more to me than the world though! His standards have my standards!

So I have really been struggling with finding my true indentity in Christ! Through my Experiencing God class this week I have been reminded of how much I depend on this world and other people and how little I depend on God. I mean GOD really loves me! all the time! He cares for me and pursues me even when I am not chasing after Him! Psalm 139:13 "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb". He loves me (and you) so much that HE fashioned every single detail of our lives before we were even born. He made our nose a certain shape, us a certain height, and of course HE gave us our specific personality for His purposes! He made me the way I am ... to prepare me for His plans! How cool is that? Is that amazing! How can I know that and still not feel loved?!? Psalm 139:14 "I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well". I really can't seem to grip that truth! No matter how much I hear it or read it, I can't believe it! It comes from a lack of faith is my guess. I want to believe that! I want to walk in victory knowing that God loves the way He made me! Please pray for me to really soak in this scripture, to bury it in my heart, to believe it! God tells me in Proverbs 4: 23 "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life". I have to let Him purify my thoughts and my mind ... conform it His. I have to take captive each and every negative, feeling sorry for myself, thought immediately! We are warned in 2 corinthians 10:5 "We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ". So this is where I have found myself! I will not live in defeat, disbelief, or doubt! I will claim what God has promised!

Wow. I guess an update is needed here! HA! Things have been so insane in my life since I last wrote! So much has happened and I dont even know where to begin.
Graduation went well! All my family got to come and watch then I got to hang out with them all afterwards at a dinner, along with some of my AMAZING Living Hope Family, and some friends! It was a great celebration and such a joy for my family to meet my church family! I love you guys so much and it meant so much to have yall there!
Two more friends have graduated on moved on as well! Best of luck to Robert who got a job and moved to Austin and then Sarah who will be in Louisiana very soon for her job! I pray we will be able to keep in touch! You have been such blessings in my life.
I got a job offer two days before Graduation. I had to go through a lot of background info and wait till the next orientation and training day, so I got 2 weeks off to get things in order, relax, and get prepared for being a grown up, which was really nice. I also got to hang out at the Henry’s house a bit. I was able to love on some kids at VBS this year, which was such a joy! I got to hang out with Staci and her kids and the Smith children at the pool on day and babysit the Marshall children another! It was a blessing to spend some time with the families from church!
I went to Lubbock for the first time (for a wedding). It was a long drive, but was a great road trip with friends.
Then I headed to Clear Lake for 2 weeks of training for my job. Training was long and boring, but it’s over!
There have been some family issues I have had to deal with. I really have had to learn to react in a way that would honor God. This has been an extremely difficult refining process for me. God can do great things through us, IF we let him. For so long I have been in control of my emotions and my reactions. I was encouraged by my Living Hope Family in the pursuit of reacting in love. I have learned so much and am grateful for the emails of encouragement from you guys!
I started the “Experiencing God” class this Summer as well. It is a wonderful class taught by the wonderful Mark Henry! I love the people in the class! The girls had a girl night the other night at Sweet Eugene’s which was pretty cool!
Last week I actually started my job! It was a stressful week and I have been sick as well! I cant believe it is already July! My precious Halei has been away at camp and should be back today! Cant wait!
This is a pretty good update for now! I will try and be more faithful! Hope everyone has an amazing Summer!!!! And if you are in College Station and want to hang out or need me to watch your kids please let me know! I look forward to it!

A Greatful Heart

Today at church I was overwhelmed with thankfulness! I sometimes forget how blessed I am. Its so easy to be too busy to be thankful. Its easy to be too angry to be thankful. It s easy to have your feelings hurt and decide not to be thankful. Its easy to be distracted instead of being thankful. I dont know why I have never thought of this. It brought me so much peace today! I have to much to be thankful for to be angry, depressed, and bitter!
I am so blessed that God has allowed to finish up my college career. I am thankful that God provided a way for me to move here to College Station and attend A&M and get saved here in this very town! I am blessesd that I had parents to support me financially and emotionally.
I am blessed to have been introduced to Living Hope! It has been a wonderful, amazing part of my life. I have grown and been tested and been loved in so many ways! I was blessed to be a part of two wonderful Hope Groups at Living Hope so far. God has blessed me with older, wiser women who pour into me. He has given me a desire for kids so that I can bless the parents by loving on their children.
I am so greatful for the relationships I have formed thus far. I have met amazing women who have been great examples. I have been able to see Godly men doing things how God says, not the world says! I have made bonds with people my own age that I will never forget!
I am blessed!

When something like the massacre that occured today at Virginia Tech happens, it can really snap you back into reality. We are not promised tomorrow. James 4:14 Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes.

Something so tragic should serve as a reminder. We must learn to live our lives like its out last day we have. Those grudges we hold on to so hard could come to haunt us. Those people that we just dont let know how much they mean to us ... that one girl who you have been praying so hard about witnessing to ... the little things that we put off cause there's alway tomorrow .... I dont mean live the worldly life with no regrets. I mean the godly life that says just do God's work and dont worry about anything else. Do NOT fear what may happen, just do what GOD asks. Just forgive, get over it, LOVE, serve ... you never know when its your time to leave this world ... or someone else in your sphere of influence will be taken from you.

What motivation to get out there and share Christ with people! Let's keep the people of VTech in our prayers and keep our eyes focused on the cross. God bless! I hope this post can serve as a reminder not to get caught up in the fear of this world. Psalm 46 God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging.

New Beginnings ...

Its a word on my mind a lot lately. I have 2 new kittens as you can tell! New life = new beginnings! One of my cousins just had a baby girl on Friday and another one is pregnant ... new beginnings! How often do we take life for granted? I am about to be gratuating ... that's definatly going to be a new beginning. We often recognize events like these as new and exciting beginnings full of possibilities!

But if you think about, each day has the possibility of being a new beginning for you. Each day you can chose to wake up and live the life you were made to. Each morning you get out of bed is another gift from God, another chance to get it right. Every time we mess up (sin) there is a chance for redemption! We are a new creation... the old is gone the new has come! (2 Corinthians 5:17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!)

So know matter how bad we have messed up or been disobedient, we have to ability to truly repent and be something different! Through Christ we can have a new beginning! You just have to believe it and claim it for yourself! Its mine just as much as its yours! I invite you to daily remind yourself of this, dont live in guilt and condemnation.

Forgiveness

Forgivenss. What an amazingly powerful word. Forgiveness = compassionate feelings that support a willingness to forgive; the act of excusing a mistake or offense

We have the opportunity to show forgiveness almost on a daily basis. But how often do we and how often are we compassionate about it! How many times when someone wrongs you do you just forgive them? If you are like me then you stew over it and get angry. And hold it all in. But when I do forgive I can just feel the weight lift off my shoulders. But its still so hard to do.
My cousin needs forgiveness as we speak. She needs it from her parents and her family. She has fallen the victim to one of Satan's greatest lies. She is lost, as is her family. I pray that this situation could be used to bring them to know Jesus. That through God's forgiveness and grace this could make a turning point in my family. I pray that instead of this being a terrible situation that pulls my family apart, that it could somehow work to bring them to Him! Please keep them and their salvation in your prayers.
I need to clothe myself in forgiveness everyday, especially on Mondays Wednsdays, and Fridays! Those are work days for me and I face so much spiritual warfare there! I am tested everyday I walk into that office. There is a situation where I am tested and tried over and over again! Im sad to say that I dont always pass the test, I get defeated, I try to handle it on my own. Then I remember FORGIVENESS... for the person who has offended me and for myself!

I have such a heart for children. But up until recently, Friday night at the LHBC College Retreat actually, I realized I sometimes use kids as a cover up. When there are lots of people I can almost guarantee you that I will spend my time chasing the kiddos around or entertaining them. It almost as if this is my way of avoiding interaction with the older people. I am absolutely scared to death, and intimidated by my godly brothers and sisters. Its so much easier for me to go and love on these little guys then it is to have a grown up conversation. I am sometimes even fearful of this! I am so afraid I don't have much to offer to the grown up world.
But by God's grace, HE is using my relationships with these kids to bring me into relationship with their parents. I have slowly met and gotten to know so many women at LHBC just by serving their kids. Just simple things like telling Mommy how cute or good their kid was has opened doors for me!
And another huge deal for me is Christian Men. I haven't grown up around many of these. Its still so hard for me to be "real" with men, even those older than me (father like figures). The whole concept is still so new to me and I find myself clamming up. I feel uncomfortable and I cant explain it. Mark Henry and Howard Tipton are two examples of this. I have had both of their wives as amazing mentors and could really talk about stuff with them, but when it comes to their husbands ... i just don't know what happens. Both of these men are AMAZING men who I have seen counsel a many of people (even girls my age) but I don't feel like I can talk to them. Why is that? Why am I so scared to trust men? My Dad was (and still is) a wonderful father to me. I haven't been abandoned or hurt by men in my past. How do I get past this? How do I learn to depend on men just as much as I do women? Any advice?