Maybe I don't REALLY trust God ... that is a scary thing to admit ... to say out loud. I mean I WANT to! I really really do! But wanting to do something and ACTUALLY doing it are two different things! I mean I say my prayers and I think that I believe but i just cant really get how BIG He is ... I don't ever think my little things are really that important compared to what other people have going on. I don't know if I don't pray with enough faith ... enough belief ... I KNOW deep in my heart I have my doubts. That's scary to me. That makes me wonder about my salvation ... can I be saved and still have doubts? I have just really been dry for months now ... I HAVE to find the root of the dry season in my life ... the root of these doubts ...
It's so great to see these girls who are so much younger than me at AWANA who are so excited, so inquisitive, so trusting, about the Lord. They come to us with these questions ... they know so much ... they remember so much ... how I wish I had the benefit of knowing what these sweet precious girls know at such a young age. Its so hard for me to not be mad that I didn't grow up in the church ... learning scripture ... learning the stories of the Bible ...
AUGH! This is kind of all over the place (as are my thoughts these days) so I will stop for now ...