Maybe I don't REALLY trust God ... that is a scary thing to admit ... to say out loud. I mean I WANT to! I really really do! But wanting to do something and ACTUALLY doing it are two different things! I mean I say my prayers and I think that I believe but i just cant really get how BIG He is ... I don't ever think my little things are really that important compared to what other people have going on. I don't know if I don't pray with enough faith ... enough belief ... I KNOW deep in my heart I have my doubts. That's scary to me. That makes me wonder about my salvation ... can I be saved and still have doubts? I have just really been dry for months now ... I HAVE to find the root of the dry season in my life ... the root of these doubts ...
It's so great to see these girls who are so much younger than me at AWANA who are so excited, so inquisitive, so trusting, about the Lord. They come to us with these questions ... they know so much ... they remember so much ... how I wish I had the benefit of knowing what these sweet precious girls know at such a young age. Its so hard for me to not be mad that I didn't grow up in the church ... learning scripture ... learning the stories of the Bible ...
AUGH! This is kind of all over the place (as are my thoughts these days) so I will stop for now ...

With all the talk on Heather and Jenn's blogs about the whole dating thing, I have done a lot of soul searching. Growing up I never had a boyfriend. I have never even been on a date. Confession of all confessions: I have never even kissed a boy! Now dont get me wrong I LIKE boys just as much as the next girl! In High School I thought I was cursed and had it so bad. When my friends would tell me how lucky I was to not have all the baggage it was hard for me to believe them! College came and I won't lie ... I was angry! I thought I had been left out! Didnt understand why I had been forgotten! Couldn't believe that no one wanted me! Its so easy to always think the grass is greener on the other side.
I have learned so much from these ladies and all the women who have commented on their blogs about this whole dating thing! I have come to accept the blessing I have been given. I dont always handle it the way I should and I am not always greatful, but I am learning so much more everyday!
I have been blessed in that I have never had to struggle with my physical purity. But GUARDING my HEART is another thing!!! Keeping those emotional attachments at a healthy level is HARD for me. I am very much an emotional person and form those strong emotional ties that last forever with people ... guys included! It is so hard for me to keep that distance with my brothers. Anyone else? I love that connection ... feeling needed ... feeling special ...
On another note WHY has our culture stuffed down our throats that WOMEN are to go after what we want! The feminist generation have brainwashed us into thinking that we can have the power and ability and freedom to go all out for what we want .... jobs, men, sex, money! Growing up I wasnt allowed to call a boy much less puruse one! These days girls call, girls asks guys out, girls tell guys how they feel, girls CHASE! It seems a shy, submissive, patient girl doesn't have a chance when all these other girls are throwing themselves at boys! Whats up with that? My brother is a freshman in high school and he always has some girl calling him ... A comment was made to me a few weeks ago after I said I didnt feel the need to go out clubbing that my sister and I are not gonna find our husbands just going to work and church and school... No one believes that GOD can and WILL bring us our mate if we are just doing our thing. So many times I get caught up in that mentality as well.
Anyways these are just some thoughts on the whole dating thing...