When something like the massacre that occured today at Virginia Tech happens, it can really snap you back into reality. We are not promised tomorrow. James 4:14 Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes.

Something so tragic should serve as a reminder. We must learn to live our lives like its out last day we have. Those grudges we hold on to so hard could come to haunt us. Those people that we just dont let know how much they mean to us ... that one girl who you have been praying so hard about witnessing to ... the little things that we put off cause there's alway tomorrow .... I dont mean live the worldly life with no regrets. I mean the godly life that says just do God's work and dont worry about anything else. Do NOT fear what may happen, just do what GOD asks. Just forgive, get over it, LOVE, serve ... you never know when its your time to leave this world ... or someone else in your sphere of influence will be taken from you.

What motivation to get out there and share Christ with people! Let's keep the people of VTech in our prayers and keep our eyes focused on the cross. God bless! I hope this post can serve as a reminder not to get caught up in the fear of this world. Psalm 46 God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging.

New Beginnings ...

Its a word on my mind a lot lately. I have 2 new kittens as you can tell! New life = new beginnings! One of my cousins just had a baby girl on Friday and another one is pregnant ... new beginnings! How often do we take life for granted? I am about to be gratuating ... that's definatly going to be a new beginning. We often recognize events like these as new and exciting beginnings full of possibilities!

But if you think about, each day has the possibility of being a new beginning for you. Each day you can chose to wake up and live the life you were made to. Each morning you get out of bed is another gift from God, another chance to get it right. Every time we mess up (sin) there is a chance for redemption! We are a new creation... the old is gone the new has come! (2 Corinthians 5:17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!)

So know matter how bad we have messed up or been disobedient, we have to ability to truly repent and be something different! Through Christ we can have a new beginning! You just have to believe it and claim it for yourself! Its mine just as much as its yours! I invite you to daily remind yourself of this, dont live in guilt and condemnation.

Forgiveness

Forgivenss. What an amazingly powerful word. Forgiveness = compassionate feelings that support a willingness to forgive; the act of excusing a mistake or offense

We have the opportunity to show forgiveness almost on a daily basis. But how often do we and how often are we compassionate about it! How many times when someone wrongs you do you just forgive them? If you are like me then you stew over it and get angry. And hold it all in. But when I do forgive I can just feel the weight lift off my shoulders. But its still so hard to do.
My cousin needs forgiveness as we speak. She needs it from her parents and her family. She has fallen the victim to one of Satan's greatest lies. She is lost, as is her family. I pray that this situation could be used to bring them to know Jesus. That through God's forgiveness and grace this could make a turning point in my family. I pray that instead of this being a terrible situation that pulls my family apart, that it could somehow work to bring them to Him! Please keep them and their salvation in your prayers.
I need to clothe myself in forgiveness everyday, especially on Mondays Wednsdays, and Fridays! Those are work days for me and I face so much spiritual warfare there! I am tested everyday I walk into that office. There is a situation where I am tested and tried over and over again! Im sad to say that I dont always pass the test, I get defeated, I try to handle it on my own. Then I remember FORGIVENESS... for the person who has offended me and for myself!

I have such a heart for children. But up until recently, Friday night at the LHBC College Retreat actually, I realized I sometimes use kids as a cover up. When there are lots of people I can almost guarantee you that I will spend my time chasing the kiddos around or entertaining them. It almost as if this is my way of avoiding interaction with the older people. I am absolutely scared to death, and intimidated by my godly brothers and sisters. Its so much easier for me to go and love on these little guys then it is to have a grown up conversation. I am sometimes even fearful of this! I am so afraid I don't have much to offer to the grown up world.
But by God's grace, HE is using my relationships with these kids to bring me into relationship with their parents. I have slowly met and gotten to know so many women at LHBC just by serving their kids. Just simple things like telling Mommy how cute or good their kid was has opened doors for me!
And another huge deal for me is Christian Men. I haven't grown up around many of these. Its still so hard for me to be "real" with men, even those older than me (father like figures). The whole concept is still so new to me and I find myself clamming up. I feel uncomfortable and I cant explain it. Mark Henry and Howard Tipton are two examples of this. I have had both of their wives as amazing mentors and could really talk about stuff with them, but when it comes to their husbands ... i just don't know what happens. Both of these men are AMAZING men who I have seen counsel a many of people (even girls my age) but I don't feel like I can talk to them. Why is that? Why am I so scared to trust men? My Dad was (and still is) a wonderful father to me. I haven't been abandoned or hurt by men in my past. How do I get past this? How do I learn to depend on men just as much as I do women? Any advice?

Blessed

Oh how blessed I am! Praise the Lord for an amazing family and group of friends! Thank yall so much for the surprise party last night! It really was a wonderful surprise! Thanks for loving me so much! I had a great time hanging out and visiting with everyone! Im so glad my parents were here and could meet yall too!
I just am so thankful and I cant say it enough! Thanks especially to Lance whose gift to me was .... MRS (or in my case MISS) Clariol! What a great gift ... haha! Thanks for all the sweet birthday wishes!

The Future?

This is such a time of confusion in my life. Its so full of uncertainity! Times like this are so amazing cause really what choice do you have but to trust GOD? Really? I mean I could stress out and be a nervous wreck because I am graduating in 7 weeks and dont have a job. I could freak out cause I have no clue how God plans to use me after Graduation. I could buy into the worldly way and seek a job where I will make myself rich just so I will have more money!
Its so hard, BUT I know that God desires so much more for me. I know that He has a plan. I know if I trust and do His will, He will take care of my finances. I just dont know how to make other people understand that. I dont know how to explain to lost people that it doesnt matter how much money I make!
Its been amazing how calm and content I have been with the whole situation though! I have ready Philipins 4:6-8 over and over and over.
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.
Basically we have to choices: 1. be anxious ---- be miserable OR 2. PRAY for His help and be calm and content. This is a no brainer! Worry just leads to a miserable life! But for some reason we find it so much easier to worrry, yell at someone, lose sleep then it is to talk to our Daddy! Strange huh?
So for now I will just rest in having NO clue what God is gonna do in my life!

Lately I have found myself feeling unworthy and undeserving of God's grace. I ignorantly compare God to people and wonder HOW He can still love me when I mess up. I blindly assume He is like people and will hold a grudge, or that I have to try so stinkin hard to win His love! I have been encouraged by these lyrics:
What is it You see in me
That makes You believe
No matter how far I stray
I will still find the way
Just when I think I'm not strong enough
You reach out to me and You lift me up
I don't know what makes You stay
When I act this way
No matter what we've been through
I can turn to You
Just when I think I'm not strong enough
You reach out to me and You lift me up
You find the beauty in my imperfections
The guiding light in all my misdirection
And when I think You've finally given up
You fill my heart with unconditional love
Wow what a beautiful picutre! Everytime we stray, we sin, we mess up ... God still wants us back! He gives us strength we never knew we had. HE makes us do things we never thought we could do. He is NOT like people! He says we are amazing, HIS creation! He doesnt want us turning ourselves inside out to please Him, to make Him like us better! He doesnt condem us for wanting to work a low paying job for HIS glory, He doesnt want us to feel like we are incomplete and unsatisfied it we are single! How can I know this and still doubt myself. Sitting down and writting, things just come out that you didnt even know where stored away in your mind, but apparently I have a lot of issues to work out! And satan is good at his game; I have been his victim for too long. I have let him use people in my life to discourage me, and to doubt myself and who God is! Its time to take action! Its time to DIG into Gods word. Its time to call satan out and rebuke him! Its time to get right!

Spring Break can mean a Mission Trip in your own Family!

Well I wish I could say the nasty sin struggle with my mouth was over, but God is still working on me! This sin has so deeply rooted into my life that it will definatly take a while to get out of it! I have Matthew 12:36 on my computer at work where I am very much tempted to fall into the sin. Its so easy to just open my mouth and agree with other people. Its so easy to join in on the gossip! It seems everyday I am tempted over and over. I have just started to say outloud Matthew 12:36 every time the thought or temptation comes to me! Its amazing that just knowing the severity of that verse can make me stop in my tracks! Praise the Lord for giving me progress in having a better mouth!
Spring Break is just around the corner! YEA for a break from school. I will be going home the later part of the break and have had a bad attitude about it. But reading in Mark this week I was pointed to verse 5:19 "Go home to your family and tell them how much the Lord has done for you, and how he has had mercy on you." Some of you know that I have a very lost family. I dread going home sometimes when I know I will be face to face with my family and the life I lived before I became saved, the sins they continue to live in that God has brought me out of, or ones that I am still fighting daily to kick (namely gossip). God has a reason and plan for everything! It is our job to do as He instructs and have faith that HE is in control of every little thing! Listen to His promise in Mark 5:34: He said to her, "Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering." If we just trust Him and have faith He will make all things right, whether it be physical, emotional, or spiritual suffering! Isnt God's word amazing? He really does love us sooo much! Praise the Lord that I have much to be thankful for!
1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.

Whats on your lips?

He who guards his lips guards his life, but he who speaks rashly will come to ruin.
~Proverbs 13:3
I was thinkin this morning about my tounge. Not casue I wanted to taste something, but about how it controls me instead of God controlling it!
How often do we put our tounges to good use? (our speech is building others up or giving praise and glory to God)??? Sure we may do it ever now and then. BUT if you are like me its usually the opposite! Sin creeps right in when I am with people ( friends, co-workers, family) and there are those awkard moments of silence. I open my mouth and it all goes downhill! I need to remember that if I can't add something benefical to the silence then I dont need to open my big mouth! I usually remember after its too late!
How fast I catch myself sharing secrets, talking about people just because everyone else is, or just saying something that isnt edifying or appropriate! How easily I slip right back into that sin that I have fought so hard to overcome when I am around certian people, when I get caught up in the way this world operates! God's warning in Matthew 12:36 brings me face to face with the reality though. "I tell you that men will have to give account on the day of judgment for every careless word they have spoken".
WOW! How much more powerful and realistic can it get? This is GODS promise to you and me! Please pray that I will stop filling the silences with me! I pray that the Lord will mold and reshape me and my attitudes. I desire to give Him my tounge and let Him put it use as He see's fit!

God's word is so good! I was reading in Matthew tonight. I was totally convicted right off the bat! Matthew 6:1 "Be careful not to do your 'acts of righteousness' before men, to be seen by them. If you do, you will have no reward from your Father in heaven.
If I am being completely honest and transparent here I do not always have pure, unselfish motives for serving others. Sometimes its because I want them to like me, sometimes its cause I want to be served in return, and sometimes I just want recognition! UGH! That is a pretty horrible sentence to admit! Now dont get me wrong I am not completely self motivated and self-involved! Sometimes I just serve because I enjoy it or I can feel God leading me to do it. But that other 1/2 the time is important as well. I can't serve God and my ego at the same time!
This is short and sweet and I know I already blogged once today but I felt like God laid this on my heart so I wanted to share!

"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things". Philipians 4:8
It is so important that we keep our minds cleansed and pure. I know when I struggle with things its usually because I entertain thoughts in my mind. Whether it be a struggle with boys consuming my life, not gossiping, my bitterness ... to name a few, I know that I have set myself up for distruction! You HAVE to take each thought captive EVERY time it comes into your mind. I can almost always pinpoint where it all went wrong when I sin. I can reply the conversation in my mind of Satan's lies and know that I didn't take it to Jesus. I didn't quote scripture, I didn't call Satan out. I did let him in my mind and I did buy into his propaganda.
We have to turn our eyes and ears from this world when we are tempted! Its been helpful for me to have verses on notecards. I have some in my purse, my bookbag, my car. I keep them up at work where I am really tempted to sin! Just yesterday I had an instance where one of the ladies snapped at me, rudely and loud enough to draw attention to the situation, over a misunderstanding! It took everything in me to take it! I immediately pulled out my notecards and read Luke 6:29 "If someone strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other also".
As angry as I was, God's word calmed my heart so that I didn't react. Praise the Lord for letting me act in a godly way not a worldly way!

Graduation

So I FINALLY found out when I graduate! May 11th at 9 am WHOOP! Yea for seeing the light at the end of the tunnel!
I cant even begin to tell you how much my life has changed since I came to A&M in 2003. God has totally rocked my world! I got saved in 2004 which really was THE turning point in my life. Praise the Lord that I had 2 roommates who introduced me to Him! I changed majors, friends, and just the way I was living life! I have so many wonderful memories from my time here in Aggieland! So many friends who came in to my life for a season! I have lost touch with lots of them but they are forever in my heart! I can see now the reason God blessed me with their friendship in that specific time. But I have almost a totally new group of people around me now who are total godsends as well, mainly the amazing people at Living Hope and my wonderful Hope Group! God knows what we need when we need it and He is always faithful to provide ... in HIS time!
I have become so aware of the sin I was living in. I was a moral person who never knew the difference between morality and Christianity! I became so aware of my weakness and struggles! I fell deeper and deeper in love with my Savior!
Oh God can do amazing things in 4 years and He has done them in my life. Sometimes I am guily of overlooking His goodness and faithfulness in my own life. Sitting here remember where I was just 4 years ago, how much He has molded me and changed me, pursued me just gives me chills!
I am so super excited about what God has planned for me and my future! I cant wait to see how much more he molds and shapes me! I cant wait to see what struggles and addictions HE will set me free from, how many more friendships He will bless me with!
I just cant wait!!!!

Time after time you’ve been left behind
like the sun when it’s starting to rain
Time after time you’ve been forgotten
like a picture that’s faded with age
Time after time you ran after me
when I was still running away
Chorus: You never give up on me
No, You never give up on me
Though I’m weak you are strong
You told me I still belong
No, you never, never give up on me
Time after time I’ve used your grace
as a way to do what I please
I’ve taken for granted prayers that you answered
never been all I could be
You are holding out your hands
and now I clearly see
Chorus
You always erase all my mistakes
You lift me up when I'm down
Through all the ages, Your love never changes
You welcome me just as I am
Chorus
never give up, never give up on me...

This song gives me chills and convictions at the same time! What a beautiful reminder of Christ's love for us. How quick we are to forget about His love and provisions. How easy we let this world and our circumstances rob us of all God has to offer! YET how faitful is He to always take us back, always pick us up, continue to pursue, as long as we will search for him! Deuteronomy 4:29 But if from there you seek the LORD your God, you will find him if you look for him with all your heart and with all your soul.
God promises to not leave us! How great is that! Talk about real love! And we don't need Valentine's Day to make us feel loved! We are loved and blessed by God everday! Just take a look around... the relationships and friendships God has given you, the beautiful trees, flowers, birds, sky ... God made these for us to enjoy!
How can people see things like that and not believe, not feel blessed! Its so convicting for me to remember this on a daily basis! GOD loves me! ME! Even if I feel like no one else does I can REST in knowing that HE does!

Whew what a ride life has taken me on lately. I know they ups and downs are because of my lack of trust and faith and the fact that I have made my God so little in my own life. I have been guilty of asking small things and thus being unsatisfied. I am fearful of so many things, sadly God hasn't been one them. I have grown stagnant, lukewarm, indifferent. Revelation 3:16 says "So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth". Wow my apathy makes God want to throw up! If thats not convicting then I don't know what is. Its so powerful when you look at your own life and realize that you are lukewarm. Im not helping anyone by being this way. God says he would rather me be cold than lukewarm. I have been saved by Him, yet I don't live like He sent His son to die for me. Little problems turn into drama, hurt feelings turn into a pity party, and lonliness leads to depression.
Its not fun when we realize how much we let our cicrumstances control us... how easily WE can give into this world. One thing I have really noticed that Satan is using in my life is country music. Now I am not saying that country music is sinful. BUT I am the kinda girl who can't listen to those lovey dovey songs without my mind wandering and desiring what those songs offer. I hadn't listened to country music for a few months, until just recently. Now love (the worldly boy/girl kind) is constantly consuming my mind. Just like any kind of struggle you have, you have to realize your weakness and not put your self into situations that make you vulnerable. This is a weakness so its really dangerous for me to think I can handle it. Do I like country music ... heck yes, but I love God more. As much as it stinks, its really not that much of a sacrafice compared to what He sacraficed for me ... and you! This may sound really dumb to you, but it makes sense to me! Its just like if sex is a weakness, dont be alone with the opposite sex. If gossiping is a struggle, don't surround yourself with people who tend to talk about people . No matter how strong you think you are SATAN will do everything to tempt you.

Bucket Lady

I came across this story in a book I read this weekend. It is paraphrased and put somewhat into my words. It just really spoke truth into my heart about my own insecurities. I dont know if this is true or a struggle for anyone else, but I wanted to share it anyway.

Bucket lady?
God designed all human beings with a hole in our heart the size of the Grand Canyon. We sense the emptiness within and are driven to fill it. But we don’t always turn to God for fulfillment, instead we look everywhere else. We go out into the world with our bucket and hand it to the people around us and say “FILL ME. FIX ME. LOVE ME. MAKE ME FEEL OKAY.” We feel like we need to justify ourselves and give the world a good reason why it should allow us to take up breathing space. Sound familiar? We want someone to love us and we think that means we have to do all these things to make ourselves lovable.
The bucket lady always thinks the answer to her emptiness is right around the corner. She tries to fill her bucket with accomplishments, friends, even staying busy with Christian rituals. The truth is she will never rest until that hole is filled … and it can never be filled with a bucket. The bucket lady tries to fill her life with things that can never satisfy.
A hard thing for me personally is knowing that it is possible (maybe even inevitable) to have people in my life that could care less about me. You can hand them your bucket and they toss it aside without a second thought!
I don’t know how true this is, but I thought it was worth sharing as well. “Men are born with an internal Bucket Lady Detection Device. They see a bucket lady (a woman who tries too hard to get their attention and win their love) coming at them and something inside them screams “run for your life”. Now they might dally with you before they run for the hills. But you can take it to the bank: He ain’t gonna stay around long enough to fill your bucket. The only thing he’ll do with your bucket is reach into your heart, pull out what little you’ve got, and leave you dry”.
The Samaritan woman who meets Jesus at the well gives practical advice for bucket ladies (or men). She meets Jesus and he tells her “Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life."(John 4:13-14). Then notice what happens in verse 28 “Then, leaving her water jar, the woman went back to the town”.
Once she allowed Jesus to fill that hole in her heart, to place within her that spring of water welling up to eternal life, she didn’t need her bucket anymore! She didn’t have to live like a bucket lady anymore. You and I don’t have to live like one either!
My desire it that I daily remember to ask Jesus to so lavish me (and you) with His love, his approval, his acceptance so that we no longer need to frantically search for love, approval, and acceptance from people.

Wow! Its been a while and I have a much better attitude these days! I have been so busy and its not over yet! I have a final at 8 in the morning. Then one more on Wednesday! WHEW! Cant wait to be done. This weekend was LHBC's Christmas Play! Pretty much amazing. I worked with some wonderful people. It was such a blessing . . . and no I was not in the play, but I helped. I am gonna miss seeing all these new friends everyday for hours! It was a neat experience and cool way to serve God alongside my amazing Brothers and Sisters.
Just an update ... 5 months and 3 classes till I graduate in MAY! WHOOP! I am so excited and scared at the same time becuase I am not sure where God wants me in that time. I have no clue how He is planning to use me or where He wants me planted.
I have GOT to get back to the books now! Just wanted to update this and wish everyone a MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!

Can't Breathe

I feel like I’m suffocating here in this place.
I’m falling farther and farther behind in the race.
When I think about who I’ve become,
I just feel sick and my body goes numb.
Angry and emotional; controlled by my stress,
Just trying to survive while my life becomes an ugly mess.
Living in defeat almost every single day.
I have lost myself somewhere along the way.
I look in the mirror and have to close my eyes.
The person staring back is only a disguise.
I want to be me, but I’m so stinking scared.
Will God still love me, is He really prepared?
The King is enthralled by my beauty, according to God’s word.
He really loves me; I find it so absurd.
How can He love someone as unworthy as me?
I try so hard, but the ends never meet.
I’m a messed up girl in this terrible, fallen world.
Yet God still loves me, like His own little girl!

So Im a big fat jerk! I have let myself get deeper and deeper into the stress of life. I have allowed myself to focus on all I have to do and completely turned into a crab. I totally snapped at my Mom tonight about something dumb. We had a miscommunication and I reacted horribly! I got in my car and just bawled my eyes out. I didnt realize how tense I was. One little thing set me off. What has my life come to? Am I really the kind of woman who "reacts"? I dont like who I have become the last few weeks. I dont like the thoughts that come into my mind. I hate the defeat I feel almost daily! I mean really what is wrong with me?!? I cant even deal with the stress and overwhelming feelings. I am in need of prayers. I am in need of grace, in need of love, in need of mercy raining down from high above. In need of a Savior! I need to turn things around! Stop putting all my trust and hopes in myself and as Butch would say "put all my eggs in the Jesus basket"! I cant let my emotions control me! I can't react because I want to or someone provoked me! Its not who He is and it cant be who I am! Anyways, just needed to get this off my chest.

Yea for more great weather! And praise the Lord for meeting new people everyday! Its going good, and I am slowly getting my energy and strength back! WHOOP! Oh yea and praise Jesus for my crazy sister! Someone tied some HAPPY BIRTHDAY balloons on her car, so she crossed off happy bday with a marker and wrote "FEEL BETTER SOON LOVE SCOOBY AND TICA"(our animals...) and gave them to me! CRAZY but gotta love her!

Yea for the amazing weather today! Nothing like the sun and wind to remind you of Gods greatness! And what about a one hour phone call with a friend I havent had time to catch up with!!! Yea! Thank you Jesus for my giving me a nice warm bed to cuddle up into tonight!!!