When I let the enemy win

Let me count the ways...

We talked at church this week about how the spirit affects us as opposed to living in the flesh and being owned by the flesh. One of the big points that really hit me is that the Spirit brings life and  peace and the flesh fuels anxiety and worry,

So I was at Bunco a couple weeks ago and a lady who's been in my classroom as a special ed assistant and really gets to see me do my thing told me that I was like chicken little. She let me know that I always think the sky is falling, that i am not doing something good enough when in reality I really am. In my mind I'm smart enough to know that this is just another place where Satan has control over me. It really had me thinking the last 2 weeks ... is this really how people perceive me? And am I really that much of a worrier? Do I come across as negative? Do I really think I can't handle things? Do I really think I'm that crappy of a teacher?

I have a friend Tabitha who has been brought to tears more than once over the way that I view myself. I really am such a surface-level person that when I really do open up to people it's hard and quite honestly it sucks. I'm great at trying to help other people trying to take care of other people but I never afford myself that same luxury.

Why do I give the flesh has so much control of me? I truly believe that I am saved, that I am a Christian. I got baptized in college at a time where I really and truly felt God's presence in my life. I was surrounded by people who were like-minded and who had the same goals as me. It's so hard now because I know that the Bible says once your saved your saved but man it's really hard when you feel like you're so distant from God. that's so hard when I struggle to hear God's voice and understand why I had to lose my mom, As I deal with being a 35 year-old woman who's never been married and doesn't have kids, as I feel so inferior to those around me.

My Big Return

it's been a while and man how much my life has changed. In some ways for the GREAT and others earth shatteringly devastating.

I went to my yearly physical today and my Dr. is very concerned about me sinking into depression. He asked about my outlet and I had to tell him that I don't really allow myself to have one. I don't let people in. He mentioned journaling or writing and then I realized I kinda miss this blogging thing. The good news is I bet no one even has this site anymore lol so it's like its my private journal. SO I guess thanks to Dr. Goode I am going to try this again.

In the dating world, I am a complete screw up. Until online dating I never knew I could be rejected by so many men. No one ever imagines that they will be in this situation ... mid 30's and single... never married.... no kids. UTTERLY alone ... and talk about the worst time ever to be alone ....saying my forever goodbye to my Mom and then having no one there to hold me, to comfort me, to tell me its gonna be okay (even though I know it WILL never be ok... will NEVER be the same). There will be plenty of time for my miserable dating life stories later.

I really want to try to express my anger, my fear, my sadness as I go through this journey of living without a Mom, without MY MOM! I don't want to be mad at God, I TRULY believe Mom suffered long enough and she and God knew it was time. Knowledge does NOT make things easier to swallow though. Today was a shitty day! People who mean well tell me it never gets easier, that these breakdowns will come in random times. Today I just cried ... ALOT! I just want to call her, to hear her voice, to have a conversation about anything and everything. I am angry that I never had BIG CONVERSATIONS with her, about me about my life.... I dont have those conversations with anyone so its not like I was holding back from her... I hold back frobnkjkjjkbkjm everyone. My insecurities have WAY to much control over me. And now I will never have a chance to have those conversations with my Mom.

And after 2 months everyone else just goes back to living their own lives and I am here just here trying to figure out how to do life. Not that it anyone else's job to take care of me ... I just really wish I had a husband to come home to, to hold me, to wipe my tears. And yes I have a few friends I count as family, but they have their own lives, their own tragedy, their own heartache. Plus I am not so good at the whole asking for help thing.  Oversleeping, serving others, negative self talk and thoughts.... those are my drug of choice to turn to. They are not as easy to see as turning to drugs, or drinking, or meaningless sex ... part of me just wishes I turned to the normal things like most people.

So tonight I begin this journey of letting things out, self reflection, and hopefully figuring out not only how to keep going but how to LOVE me and give others a chance too.

FEAR

I was overwhelmed by discovering today how much I let FEAR control my life. I mean I always knew that I was a bit of a chicken in most areas of my life. But today I was paralyzed by the realization how deep it goes. The most obvious fear is food. I have it in my head that I am SCARED to try new foods. I have gotten to the point where I KNOW my eating habits are not healthy so I work up the nerve to try something and I will either chicken out OR put it in my mouth and immediately gag! This might seem crazy ... but this is me!

FEAR! I fear rejection, I fear loss, I fear failure, I fear being REAL. I have such a hard time opening up to people about everything because I fear what they will think. I feel they will know what a freak I really am and reject me. I can't be honest about my feelings because I fear loss of friendship. I randomly found this book "When a Woman Lets Go of Her Fears" and have read two chapters. I feel like it was written FOR me. I had no idea how much fear cripples me! It controls me! "We all have choices . We can give into those nagging fears and let opportunities be ruined or we can put fear in proper perspective and make the best decisions based on God's will". I am so tired of being an emotional/physical/spiritual wreck based on these fears. I have spent 27 years being held captive by these stupid fears. I have people pleased my way through life, not being the real me ... just being who society told was acceptable. I am scared that I will end up alone, that I'll never find someone who will want to marry me, that I will never have a chance to be a Mom. That my friends will all get married and forget about me . I worry that I am not enough to make my family proud!

SOOOO its time to stop this crap and trust the Lord with my fears. It is time to tell people how messed up I am (I want to vomit just thinking about this). I want to be honest about my desires/feelings. Just putting this in writing took a leap of faith. Just admitting this ... even to myself ... brought out lots of emotion and tears.

I hope thru this pain there can come healing and restoration. I know this will be a long/interesting journey and it is TIME to start it.

Enough

Don’t I work hard and deserve a chance?
To be admired, to be hired or just asked to dance.
I never used to think that I wasn’t enough,
But getting a job, much less a man has been rough.

Rejection, disappointment, and loneliness too
This is my life, and no one has a clue.
Always wondering when I’ll finally be enough.
Afraid that I’ll leave and never be thought of

I try real hard to prove that I matter,
But the stillness of my apartment only makes me sadder.
I desperately need to be enough.
Make a life, get a job, and really be loved.

I need someone to really need me
I want to make my family smile proudly
I have to be enough
Stop being emotional and start being tough

I need to be seen, or at least be heard.
My desperation for their affection is quite absurd.
Tonight I wonder, Will I ever be enough?
Can anyone see the real me behind all this stuff?

I have a new song obsession by Kellie Pickler . It describes how I feel in this time in my life. I feel like I cant let anyone close to me, I can't trust someone to genuinely care for me. "Scared to let someone in, Can't bear to get hurt again" the lyrics say. That is me. I am afraid to open up to my family, my friends. I am afraid to let them see me hurt, see my cry, afraid to let them see my imperfections, afraid of what they will think.
And one of my biggest fears is "Don't wanna let life pass me by Never knowing what its like To be as real as real can be To share my life and know my dreams". I am scared of growing old alone. Do I have too high of standards for people to be in my life? Do I even deserve the happiness others get? Will I have made a difference in anyone's life? Will anyone want to share mine with me? Will I spend my entire life hiding in a shell? What a shallow, unfullfilling life that will be.
Mostly, my favorite part of this song says: "Cause I'm hurt and I'm scared and I'm lonely All I want is somebody to want me Cause I've got so much to give".
I really feel like I have a lot to offer to a family, to a husband, to friends, to children. I feel like the Lord blessed me with a people personality for a reason. BUT am I just missing out, am I not seeing opportunities when they are in front of me, or is my head just all messed up?

Faith and Anxiety

Faith? Are you kidding me? If I am being honest here, I am too stressed, I am too scared, too emotional, too crazy right now to just REST and TRUST that the Lord to provide for me. To provide what I NEED not what I think I need. To trust that he KNOWS the desires of my heart, He knows that I desire to be a teacher, to make a difference in kid’s lives. He KNOWS that I desire a husband who loves and serves Him; that I desire to be a mom… I mean really He CREATED me …. How can I not think he knows?!?
I mean really my way of thinking and overanalyzing hasn’t really done a whole lot for me … unless you count turning me into a crazy, roller coaster of emotions woman!
And after losing my Mamaw, living here in this strange town, not knowing anyone, not even knowing myself I began to have panic attacks.
Recently, I was put on an anxiety medicine because I couldn't breathe. I am scared to be dependent on meds for my emotional state. I dont want to be messed up. I am trying to stop believing lies from the enemy! I pray for wisdom! I need discernment.

A Crazy Life

So life in the substituting world is quite interesting. I have been subbing for a week now. First day was not so good. I was in a pretty rough Title 1 middle school. I was teaching 7th grade language arts. It was quite a surprise! My phone was stolen from inside my desk ... yea not so good. I called my Mom after school, from the office at the school, crying! Ha I know what your thinking. I am not that big of a baby though. This was just the icing on the cake for a few bad weeks. And not to mention it was the month anniversary of Mamaw's passing.
I enjoy subbing. I am getting a good feel for the area, what grades I enjoy, and what schools are effective and good to work in. I have had some rough days, and some rough experiences. But I am learning!
It has now been 5 weeks since Mamaw left us. I miss her so much. I find myself having breakdowns at the weirdest times, over the weirdest things. I want to pick up the phone and call her, I want to send her the annual Halloween card, I want to hug her and I know I can't. The upcoming holidays will be hard I am told. I have never lost anyone really close to me. This is so weird, so hard, so sad.
I am still adjusting to living here. Its been so weird living alone in a new place. Its been hard not having a church home, and church family. Familiarity is not here... where to get my haircut, where to get my eyebrows waxed, where to shop, where to buy gas, doctors???? All the little things, things I was comfortable with in Bryan, sometimes stress me out! I know I am crazy!
Anywho, this is just my way of journaling, getting things out! Hopefully will do this more often!