Karen's Cares

FEAR

2010-11-13T21:26:00.003-06:00

I was overwhelmed by discovering today how much I let FEAR control my life. I mean I always knew that I was a bit of a chicken in most areas of my life. But today I was paralyzed by the realization how deep it goes. The most obvious fear is food. I have it in my head that I am SCARED to try new foods. I have gotten to the point where I KNOW my eating habits are not healthy so I work up the nerve to try something and I will either chicken out OR put it in my mouth and immediately gag! This might seem crazy ... but this is me!

FEAR! I fear rejection, I fear loss, I fear failure, I fear being REAL. I have such a hard time opening up to people about everything because I fear what they will think. I feel they will know what a freak I really am and reject me. I can't be honest about my feelings because I fear loss of friendship. I randomly found this book "When a Woman Lets Go of Her Fears" and have read two chapters. I feel like it was written FOR me. I had no idea how much fear cripples me! It controls me! "We all have choices . We can give into those nagging fears and let opportunities be ruined or we can put fear in proper perspective and make the best decisions based on God's will". I am so tired of being an emotional/physical/spiritual wreck based on these fears. I have spent 27 years being held captive by these stupid fears. I have people pleased my way through life, not being the real me ... just being who society told was acceptable. I am scared that I will end up alone, that I'll never find someone who will want to marry me, that I will never have a chance to be a Mom. That my friends will all get married and forget about me . I worry that I am not enough to make my family proud!

SOOOO its time to stop this crap and trust the Lord with my fears. It is time to tell people how messed up I am (I want to vomit just thinking about this). I want to be honest about my desires/feelings. Just putting this in writing took a leap of faith. Just admitting this ... even to myself ... brought out lots of emotion and tears.

I hope thru this pain there can come healing and restoration. I know this will be a long/interesting journey and it is TIME to start it.

Enough

2009-05-18T21:31:00.002-06:00

Don’t I work hard and deserve a chance?
To be admired, to be hired or just asked to dance.
I never used to think that I wasn’t enough,
But getting a job, much less a man has been rough.

Rejection, disappointment, and loneliness too
This is my life, and no one has a clue.
Always wondering when I’ll finally be enough.
Afraid that I’ll leave and never be thought of

I try real hard to prove that I matter,
But the stillness of my apartment only makes me sadder.
I desperately need to be enough.
Make a life, get a job, and really be loved.

I need someone to really need me
I want to make my family smile proudly
I have to be enough
Stop being emotional and start being tough

I need to be seen, or at least be heard.
My desperation for their affection is quite absurd.
Tonight I wonder, Will I ever be enough?
Can anyone see the real me behind all this stuff?

2008-11-05T23:25:00.003-06:00

I have a new song obsession by Kellie Pickler . It describes how I feel in this time in my life. I feel like I cant let anyone close to me, I can't trust someone to genuinely care for me. "Scared to let someone in, Can't bear to get hurt again" the lyrics say. That is me. I am afraid to open up to my family, my friends. I am afraid to let them see me hurt, see my cry, afraid to let them see my imperfections, afraid of what they will think.
And one of my biggest fears is "Don't wanna let life pass me by Never knowing what its like To be as real as real can be To share my life and know my dreams". I am scared of growing old alone. Do I have too high of standards for people to be in my life? Do I even deserve the happiness others get? Will I have made a difference in anyone's life? Will anyone want to share mine with me? Will I spend my entire life hiding in a shell? What a shallow, unfullfilling life that will be.
Mostly, my favorite part of this song says: "Cause I'm hurt and I'm scared and I'm lonely All I want is somebody to want me Cause I've got so much to give".
I really feel like I have a lot to offer to a family, to a husband, to friends, to children. I feel like the Lord blessed me with a people personality for a reason. BUT am I just missing out, am I not seeing opportunities when they are in front of me, or is my head just all messed up?

Faith and Anxiety

2008-11-04T15:20:00.002-06:00

Faith? Are you kidding me? If I am being honest here, I am too stressed, I am too scared, too emotional, too crazy right now to just REST and TRUST that the Lord to provide for me. To provide what I NEED not what I think I need. To trust that he KNOWS the desires of my heart, He knows that I desire to be a teacher, to make a difference in kid’s lives. He KNOWS that I desire a husband who loves and serves Him; that I desire to be a mom… I mean really He CREATED me …. How can I not think he knows?!?
I mean really my way of thinking and overanalyzing hasn’t really done a whole lot for me … unless you count turning me into a crazy, roller coaster of emotions woman!
And after losing my Mamaw, living here in this strange town, not knowing anyone, not even knowing myself I began to have panic attacks.
Recently, I was put on an anxiety medicine because I couldn't breathe. I am scared to be dependent on meds for my emotional state. I dont want to be messed up. I am trying to stop believing lies from the enemy! I pray for wisdom! I need discernment.

A Crazy Life

2008-10-22T15:14:00.003-06:00

So life in the substituting world is quite interesting. I have been subbing for a week now. First day was not so good. I was in a pretty rough Title 1 middle school. I was teaching 7th grade language arts. It was quite a surprise! My phone was stolen from inside my desk ... yea not so good. I called my Mom after school, from the office at the school, crying! Ha I know what your thinking. I am not that big of a baby though. This was just the icing on the cake for a few bad weeks. And not to mention it was the month anniversary of Mamaw's passing.
I enjoy subbing. I am getting a good feel for the area, what grades I enjoy, and what schools are effective and good to work in. I have had some rough days, and some rough experiences. But I am learning!
It has now been 5 weeks since Mamaw left us. I miss her so much. I find myself having breakdowns at the weirdest times, over the weirdest things. I want to pick up the phone and call her, I want to send her the annual Halloween card, I want to hug her and I know I can't. The upcoming holidays will be hard I am told. I have never lost anyone really close to me. This is so weird, so hard, so sad.
I am still adjusting to living here. Its been so weird living alone in a new place. Its been hard not having a church home, and church family. Familiarity is not here... where to get my haircut, where to get my eyebrows waxed, where to shop, where to buy gas, doctors???? All the little things, things I was comfortable with in Bryan, sometimes stress me out! I know I am crazy!
Anywho, this is just my way of journaling, getting things out! Hopefully will do this more often!

While I'm Waiting...

2008-10-13T23:11:00.003-06:00

I heard this song from the movie Fireproof. It is such a humbling, and fitting reminder of where I am in life right now, well where I should be as I go thru this complicated, crazy, scary, time in life. I am so antsy, so un-content, so alone right now. Its like I am waiting for my life to get back to normal... whatever that it. I am waiting to get a real job, I am waiting to stop crying everytime I think about my Mamaw, I am waiting to be married and have my own family instead of watching on the sidelines, I am waiting to have friends who care, I am waiting for my life to mean something, I am waiting to be happy, I am waiting to find a church and body here in a new town... and this song describes everything that I am NOT doing as I wait. Such a beautiful reminder and encouragment.

I’m waiting
I’m waiting on you, Lord
And I am hopeful
I’m waiting on you, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait.
I WILL MOVE AHEAD, BOLD AND CONFIDENT. TAKING EVERY STEP IN OBEDIENCE. WHILE I’M WAITING, I WILL SERVE YOU. WHILE I’M WAITING, I WILL WORSHIP. WHILE I’M WAITING, I WILL NOT FAINT. I’LL BE RUNNING THE RACE, EVEN WHILE I WAIT.
I’m waiting
I’m waiting on you, Lord.l
And I am peaceful
I’m waiting on you, Lord.
Though it’s not easy
But faithfully, I will wait.
Yes, I will wait.
I WILL SERVE YOU WHILE I’M WAITING, I WILL WORSHIP WHILE I’M WAITING, I WILL SERVE YOU WHILE I’M WAITING, I WILL WORSHIP WHILE I’M WAITING,I WILL SERVE YOU WHILE I’M WAITING, I WILL WORSHIP WHILE I’M WAITING ON YOU LORD.

2008-01-30T15:31:00.000-06:00

Well it has been way to long since I have updated ... such a a slacker!!!

School has started for me... it keeps me pretty busy i must say. BUT I am really excited about being a teacher in the NEAR future! It is a lot of work and pretty hard! I have forgotten so much ... and so fast! I am required to observe 20 hours in a school as well. This has been hard to arrange with my full time work schedule ... but it proving to be quite rewarding.

I have gotten to know Rhonda from church very well through this experience. She just took this class last semester, which has been a blessing!

I am officailly living by myself now ... AUGH!!! I have survived a week and 1/2 now! YEA! Its not as bad as I thought , but it does get lonely!

Anyways, I have to hit the books!

Just an update! Hopefully more to come really soon!

2007-11-29T08:42:00.000-06:00

The holiday season is upon us! So fast! AUGH! It seems like it was just this time last year. Where does it go? Have I really been graduated for 6 months? Am I really almost 25? What has happened to my life? I had dinner with two friends ... one last night and one the night before! Friends who I used to be INSEPARABLE from. That was FOUR years ago! CRAZY! We talked about the good old days! And how we took that time for granted. How we wished we would have taken the time to enjoy and really treasured each and every moment we had. We had no idea that it would go so fast... that we would drift ... that life would take us on separate paths so soon.
Life is like that you know. I have so many relationships that have just changed over time! I mean we talk on the phone and email or facebook ... but its not the same! Its not being roommates and neighbors and best friends!!! Its not being able to stay up all night with each other just watching tv, its not knowing everything (whether you want to or not ... ha) about that person's life, it's not making crazy trips, and doing crazy things! Its a different kind of friendship. I miss those kind of relationships. We reminisced and laughed and got teary eyed.
Makes me realize how precious life is. How valuable time is ... which reminds me ... people are dying everyday! People are going to HELL everyday! People in my own family dont know the Lord! People I love don't know Jesus. People I work with don't know Him. People I come in contact with on a daily basis at work ... don't know the Saviour! I can't waste time!I can't live in the past, I have great memories to keep with me, but I have to keep going forward with the plan God has laid out for me.

To teach or not to teach?

2007-11-20T17:15:00.000-06:00

So I have pretty much decided I am supposed to TEACH. Which I have been super excited about! BUT the closer it gets, the more anxious I become and the more I let Satan get a foot in the door.

I have started to doubt my abilities to handle children. I have always known that I LOVE them, but now I worry that I will be too much of a pushover. I worry I am not strong enough emotionally to handle the baggage that these children will come with ... basically I WORRY ... hmm didn't realize till writing this out ... WORRY WORRY WORRY! God says do not fear ... hmm I am fearing man in a major way. ouch

So the other part of me is trying to convince myself that teaching is not a practical job for me at this time in my life. I have convinced myself that the bank would be better because I don't have all the time off at holidays ... since I have no one to spend them with anyway. I may as well work year around since I don't have a family to care for! Somehow I have let people, the culture, and even my own mind convince my that I don't have the life to be a teacher. ugh!

Why is it so easy for me to get caught up in all the crap of the world?!? Why can't I just be content where I am?

Please pray that I can stay focused and just do what God calls me, regardless of what the world says!

Help Me Belive

2007-11-17T17:11:00.000-06:00

*I know Halei beat me, but I love this song too much not to blog about it too .

This is a BEAUTIFUL precious song by DONNA STUART!!! It really speaks to me! It helps me when I struggle with condemnation and my self esteem. It is such a beautiful reminder of WHO God is and what HE has done for us ... each and everyone one of us!
Its not a club where people are excluded! God loves US! All of us! The short people, the tall people, the people who are super smart, the people who are really good at math, the people who are really good with English stuff, the people who aren't good at the whole school thing, the people who have imperfect skin, and are flawed ... He is for us!
No matter what we have been thru ... what horrible sins we have committed... or have been committed against us ... He chooses us day in and day out ... we just have to remember to choose HIM and to LET Him choose us back!

All that I’ve done and all that’s been do to me
Drove nails through Your hands hard and fast to the tree.
And all these lies that I live and the shame in my story;
You covered with blood for Your name and Your glory.

Jesus, help me believe.
Jesus, help me receive.
That this girl You’ve created You have redeemed.
Lord, help me believe this.
Lord, help me receive.
This daughter you’ve rescued, You have washed her clean.

So I raise out stretched arms with my knees to the earth.
And I bow down my heart for in You is my worth.
And shout from this mountain; great joy in my soul.
Hallelujah! King Jesus, in You I am whole.

And when I am tempted to believe something less,
I run to Your word embracing forgiveness.
Thank You loving me and thank You for healing me.

How music ruins my life!

2007-11-13T17:20:00.000-06:00

So I have a confession ... music can make or break me!
In high school I LIVED with my lovey dovey county music! I was constantly wrapped up in the fantasy world of romance that the songs promised me! I was deceived into thinking that's how it works in the real world! Prior to getting saved I thought that's how life was! I thought that was how it really happened ... for those girls who deserved it ... those girls who were worthy ... pretty enough ... special enough! I let those lyrics consume my thoughts, my emotions, my life! I let the fact that my life didn't mirror those make me feel unworthy and unloved! I let it affect my self esteem and my value!
Once I got saved, my eyes were open to the LIES satan was using in that music! I do not believe that music in and of itself is bad. I just know that it is a weakness for me! I know that it IS a HUGE temptation for me to put myself back in that fantasy world!
Recently I got to see that God is not through working on me in that area! I started listening to this CD ... Colbie Calliet. The song i first listened to was cute and catchy and a little lovey! BUT after listening to the WHOLE cd I found another song that fit how I felt and magnified it 100 times! Every time I listened to it my feelings intensified, I thought it was ok cause this song was singing about it ... it made me feel good! UGH! Sick! Inside I knew that the music was trying to make me fill that DEEP VOID, DEEP LONGING that GOD is supposed to fill! NOT this world, not some boy, not some emotion! UGH! I haven't been able to listen to #7! I don't want to let that song, that music, this world convince me that anything other GOD can fill me! I wonder if GOD sings that song thinking the same thing but about me ...
Take time to realize,
that your warmth is.
Crashing down on in.
take time to realize,
That I am on your side
If you just realize
what I just realized,
Then we'd be perfect for each other
and will never find another
Hmmm .... Thinking about it that way is cool ... considering it as God singing it to me ... WOW!I mean I wonder if He gets frustrated and is like KAREN!!! Wake up! I love you! I need you to realize you are so special to me, so precious! You ARE perfect in me, not in some boy! realize KAREN realize ...

Crazy Things?

2007-11-07T09:50:00.000-06:00

Wow! I thought I was for sure too old to take a random, UNPLANNED trip somewhere ... especially in the middle of the night! There is nothing like having a wonderful friend to keep me young and remind me that I can do it though! Ha!

So basically one of my craziest, bestest friends shows up at my house on Monday at about 8 pm. I am exhausted from the time change AND from planning/hosting an exciting MURDER MYSTERY party this past weekend! So naturally, I am just laying in bed watching tv. This crazy kid comes over with a suggestion ... a midnight picnic at the capital! Ha! I am actually surprised I agreed ... it must have been the delliria!

But boy am I so glad I went! It was spontaneous! It was sooo much fun! The drive ... just us girls jammming out singing LOUD and PROUD (and bad on my part), having girl talk and just really getting to know each other better! The kinda fun with NO stress! Usually I love trips! They can be stressful because I have to plan who is going, what are we driving, where are meeting, when are we leaving, when will we be back, what are we doing there, etc ... if you have been with me you know this! I have a plan and don't like to get off course... Life is kinda like that too ... maybe this was a reminder that I don't have to have control! I mean it was fun and it turned out just fine EVEN THOUGH I didn't plan anything! Maybe that's what God wants me to see ... hmm ... not my purpose for this ... it just came to me!

Anywho ... If i have ANY readers left, I just wanna know if you ever did this! Packed up and went somewhere with friends! Roadtrips? Anything? I SO want to do this more often!!!

Cutting the Flesh

2007-11-04T21:33:00.000-06:00

Wow church today was AMAZING! This has been a stressful, long week! But I know that God was speaking to me today! I have been fighting it! It was not what I wanted to hear ... through a skit at church last week and the message this week, I feel it is clear what I am to do!

I have been in a relationship that is NOT healthy! Emotionally, it has been a roller coaster of ups and downs and confusion and hurt and happiness! But looking back I see that it is not a relationship that in and of itself blesses my Father! It is for sure something that has distracted my from my relationship with the Lord. I was reminded today though, that I can REPENT right now and turn back to God and HE will be there waiting patiently for me! The silence I have been experiencing and dryness I have suffered will hopefully be better now! I KNOW that I have to cut the flesh in this area of my life! I have to get right with God!

And even though there was no "real" relationship ... it seems almost like a breakup! I feel like a loser! Its just like the skit was saying! I have let the culture define me! I feel like I am not good enough, not pretty enough, kinda like I hate myself! AUGH!!! I know this boy does NOT define me! I KNOW that! But I felt regret, stupid, condemnation for being deceived about his feelings!Why does it have to be so hard?

I know why! Because I WAS DECEIVED! I was not walking in the truth! I was listening (with my ears ... stupid music ... and heart) to emotions and feelings and people who told me what me itchy ears wanted to hear! I was living in the world and NOT according to the WORD! Ouch! So now I sit here suffering the consequences of my disobedience!

2007-10-30T08:55:00.000-06:00

Maybe I don't REALLY trust God ... that is a scary thing to admit ... to say out loud. I mean I WANT to! I really really do! But wanting to do something and ACTUALLY doing it are two different things! I mean I say my prayers and I think that I believe but i just cant really get how BIG He is ... I don't ever think my little things are really that important compared to what other people have going on. I don't know if I don't pray with enough faith ... enough belief ... I KNOW deep in my heart I have my doubts. That's scary to me. That makes me wonder about my salvation ... can I be saved and still have doubts? I have just really been dry for months now ... I HAVE to find the root of the dry season in my life ... the root of these doubts ...
It's so great to see these girls who are so much younger than me at AWANA who are so excited, so inquisitive, so trusting, about the Lord. They come to us with these questions ... they know so much ... they remember so much ... how I wish I had the benefit of knowing what these sweet precious girls know at such a young age. Its so hard for me to not be mad that I didn't grow up in the church ... learning scripture ... learning the stories of the Bible ...
AUGH! This is kind of all over the place (as are my thoughts these days) so I will stop for now ...

2007-10-21T14:39:00.000-06:00

With all the talk on Heather and Jenn's blogs about the whole dating thing, I have done a lot of soul searching. Growing up I never had a boyfriend. I have never even been on a date. Confession of all confessions: I have never even kissed a boy! Now dont get me wrong I LIKE boys just as much as the next girl! In High School I thought I was cursed and had it so bad. When my friends would tell me how lucky I was to not have all the baggage it was hard for me to believe them! College came and I won't lie ... I was angry! I thought I had been left out! Didnt understand why I had been forgotten! Couldn't believe that no one wanted me! Its so easy to always think the grass is greener on the other side.
I have learned so much from these ladies and all the women who have commented on their blogs about this whole dating thing! I have come to accept the blessing I have been given. I dont always handle it the way I should and I am not always greatful, but I am learning so much more everyday!
I have been blessed in that I have never had to struggle with my physical purity. But GUARDING my HEART is another thing!!! Keeping those emotional attachments at a healthy level is HARD for me. I am very much an emotional person and form those strong emotional ties that last forever with people ... guys included! It is so hard for me to keep that distance with my brothers. Anyone else? I love that connection ... feeling needed ... feeling special ...
On another note WHY has our culture stuffed down our throats that WOMEN are to go after what we want! The feminist generation have brainwashed us into thinking that we can have the power and ability and freedom to go all out for what we want .... jobs, men, sex, money! Growing up I wasnt allowed to call a boy much less puruse one! These days girls call, girls asks guys out, girls tell guys how they feel, girls CHASE! It seems a shy, submissive, patient girl doesn't have a chance when all these other girls are throwing themselves at boys! Whats up with that? My brother is a freshman in high school and he always has some girl calling him ... A comment was made to me a few weeks ago after I said I didnt feel the need to go out clubbing that my sister and I are not gonna find our husbands just going to work and church and school... No one believes that GOD can and WILL bring us our mate if we are just doing our thing. So many times I get caught up in that mentality as well.
Anyways these are just some thoughts on the whole dating thing...

Looking for the next milestone...

2007-08-29T16:49:00.000-06:00

Isn’t is funny how we always to look forward to the milestones and swear things will be different, better? We say, oh once I graduate from high school and move away then I will become more responsible, then I will be really happy, that’s when life really starts!
College came and went. I kept reassuring myself that once I graduated from A&M I would have the time to love and serve the Lord! As soon as I become a "grown up" I would be a better person.
Well 4 or 5 or in my case 6 years later, I am still makin excuses! I’m still not doing what I am supposed to. I make excuses and have pity parties! Poor little me! Ha! And even as I write this, I can tell you just this week I found myself thinking … once I get married, my life will finally make sense, I will finally be loved and matter! Things wills finally be right! I will finally be happy. And once I have kids, I will really be important!
I keep trying in each stage of my life to fill that void, that emptiness that keeps me awake at nights. Wll, I graduated and have a full time job. Now I think maybe teaching will make me happy! Maybe I should work for A&M. Maybe I should move and try and start over for myself! I am so indecisive and impatient! I need help ... I need Jesus!!!

Ephesians 4:2

2007-07-22T22:14:00.000-06:00

Ephesians 4:2 (NLT) "Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other's faults because of your love"
How often do I let someone get under my skin. Its not usually that they do something wrong to me. Sometimes its just a personality thing. I get so impatient and my thoughts, and unfortunately sometimes even my actions, are anything but HUMBLE!
American heritage dictionary defines humble as being "marked by meekness or modesty in behavior, attitude, or spirit; not arrogant or prideful".
Hmm ok so when I have a conflict with someone or have been done wrong, I am quite certain that I am not a humble person. Getting anrgy, even if I keep it inside does not show a humble heart. Joining in on the gossip about this "annoying" person ... NOT humble! Thinking I am better ... again no humbleness!
And what about gentleness? "Considerate or kindly in disposition; amiable and tender. Not harsh or severe; mild and soft". How many times do I have gentle thoughts and feelings toward that person? Ha! Its not natural to react this way, to have such feelings for someone who has wronged you or even just someone who annoys you. With Christ though, it is possible! Christ has to mean more to me than the world though! His standards have my standards!

2007-07-14T21:19:00.000-06:00

So I have really been struggling with finding my true indentity in Christ! Through my Experiencing God class this week I have been reminded of how much I depend on this world and other people and how little I depend on God. I mean GOD really loves me! all the time! He cares for me and pursues me even when I am not chasing after Him! Psalm 139:13 "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb". He loves me (and you) so much that HE fashioned every single detail of our lives before we were even born. He made our nose a certain shape, us a certain height, and of course HE gave us our specific personality for His purposes! He made me the way I am ... to prepare me for His plans! How cool is that? Is that amazing! How can I know that and still not feel loved?!? Psalm 139:14 "I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well". I really can't seem to grip that truth! No matter how much I hear it or read it, I can't believe it! It comes from a lack of faith is my guess. I want to believe that! I want to walk in victory knowing that God loves the way He made me! Please pray for me to really soak in this scripture, to bury it in my heart, to believe it! God tells me in Proverbs 4: 23 "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life". I have to let Him purify my thoughts and my mind ... conform it His. I have to take captive each and every negative, feeling sorry for myself, thought immediately! We are warned in 2 corinthians 10:5 "We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ". So this is where I have found myself! I will not live in defeat, disbelief, or doubt! I will claim what God has promised!

2007-07-01T17:28:00.000-06:00

Wow. I guess an update is needed here! HA! Things have been so insane in my life since I last wrote! So much has happened and I dont even know where to begin.
Graduation went well! All my family got to come and watch then I got to hang out with them all afterwards at a dinner, along with some of my AMAZING Living Hope Family, and some friends! It was a great celebration and such a joy for my family to meet my church family! I love you guys so much and it meant so much to have yall there!
Two more friends have graduated on moved on as well! Best of luck to Robert who got a job and moved to Austin and then Sarah who will be in Louisiana very soon for her job! I pray we will be able to keep in touch! You have been such blessings in my life.
I got a job offer two days before Graduation. I had to go through a lot of background info and wait till the next orientation and training day, so I got 2 weeks off to get things in order, relax, and get prepared for being a grown up, which was really nice. I also got to hang out at the Henry’s house a bit. I was able to love on some kids at VBS this year, which was such a joy! I got to hang out with Staci and her kids and the Smith children at the pool on day and babysit the Marshall children another! It was a blessing to spend some time with the families from church!
I went to Lubbock for the first time (for a wedding). It was a long drive, but was a great road trip with friends.
Then I headed to Clear Lake for 2 weeks of training for my job. Training was long and boring, but it’s over!
There have been some family issues I have had to deal with. I really have had to learn to react in a way that would honor God. This has been an extremely difficult refining process for me. God can do great things through us, IF we let him. For so long I have been in control of my emotions and my reactions. I was encouraged by my Living Hope Family in the pursuit of reacting in love. I have learned so much and am grateful for the emails of encouragement from you guys!
I started the “Experiencing God” class this Summer as well. It is a wonderful class taught by the wonderful Mark Henry! I love the people in the class! The girls had a girl night the other night at Sweet Eugene’s which was pretty cool!
Last week I actually started my job! It was a stressful week and I have been sick as well! I cant believe it is already July! My precious Halei has been away at camp and should be back today! Cant wait!
This is a pretty good update for now! I will try and be more faithful! Hope everyone has an amazing Summer!!!! And if you are in College Station and want to hang out or need me to watch your kids please let me know! I look forward to it!

A Greatful Heart

2007-05-06T22:13:00.000-06:00

Today at church I was overwhelmed with thankfulness! I sometimes forget how blessed I am. Its so easy to be too busy to be thankful. Its easy to be too angry to be thankful. It s easy to have your feelings hurt and decide not to be thankful. Its easy to be distracted instead of being thankful. I dont know why I have never thought of this. It brought me so much peace today! I have to much to be thankful for to be angry, depressed, and bitter!
I am so blessed that God has allowed to finish up my college career. I am thankful that God provided a way for me to move here to College Station and attend A&M and get saved here in this very town! I am blessesd that I had parents to support me financially and emotionally.
I am blessed to have been introduced to Living Hope! It has been a wonderful, amazing part of my life. I have grown and been tested and been loved in so many ways! I was blessed to be a part of two wonderful Hope Groups at Living Hope so far. God has blessed me with older, wiser women who pour into me. He has given me a desire for kids so that I can bless the parents by loving on their children.
I am so greatful for the relationships I have formed thus far. I have met amazing women who have been great examples. I have been able to see Godly men doing things how God says, not the world says! I have made bonds with people my own age that I will never forget!
I am blessed!

2007-04-16T22:29:00.000-06:00

When something like the massacre that occured today at Virginia Tech happens, it can really snap you back into reality. We are not promised tomorrow. James 4:14 Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes.

Something so tragic should serve as a reminder. We must learn to live our lives like its out last day we have. Those grudges we hold on to so hard could come to haunt us. Those people that we just dont let know how much they mean to us ... that one girl who you have been praying so hard about witnessing to ... the little things that we put off cause there's alway tomorrow .... I dont mean live the worldly life with no regrets. I mean the godly life that says just do God's work and dont worry about anything else. Do NOT fear what may happen, just do what GOD asks. Just forgive, get over it, LOVE, serve ... you never know when its your time to leave this world ... or someone else in your sphere of influence will be taken from you.

What motivation to get out there and share Christ with people! Let's keep the people of VTech in our prayers and keep our eyes focused on the cross. God bless! I hope this post can serve as a reminder not to get caught up in the fear of this world. Psalm 46 God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging.

New Beginnings ...

2007-04-15T11:32:00.000-06:00

Its a word on my mind a lot lately. I have 2 new kittens as you can tell! New life = new beginnings! One of my cousins just had a baby girl on Friday and another one is pregnant ... new beginnings! How often do we take life for granted? I am about to be gratuating ... that's definatly going to be a new beginning. We often recognize events like these as new and exciting beginnings full of possibilities!

But if you think about, each day has the possibility of being a new beginning for you. Each day you can chose to wake up and live the life you were made to. Each morning you get out of bed is another gift from God, another chance to get it right. Every time we mess up (sin) there is a chance for redemption! We are a new creation... the old is gone the new has come! (2 Corinthians 5:17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!)

So know matter how bad we have messed up or been disobedient, we have to ability to truly repent and be something different! Through Christ we can have a new beginning! You just have to believe it and claim it for yourself! Its mine just as much as its yours! I invite you to daily remind yourself of this, dont live in guilt and condemnation.

Forgiveness

2007-04-10T19:59:00.000-06:00

Forgivenss. What an amazingly powerful word. Forgiveness = compassionate feelings that support a willingness to forgive; the act of excusing a mistake or offense

We have the opportunity to show forgiveness almost on a daily basis. But how often do we and how often are we compassionate about it! How many times when someone wrongs you do you just forgive them? If you are like me then you stew over it and get angry. And hold it all in. But when I do forgive I can just feel the weight lift off my shoulders. But its still so hard to do.
My cousin needs forgiveness as we speak. She needs it from her parents and her family. She has fallen the victim to one of Satan's greatest lies. She is lost, as is her family. I pray that this situation could be used to bring them to know Jesus. That through God's forgiveness and grace this could make a turning point in my family. I pray that instead of this being a terrible situation that pulls my family apart, that it could somehow work to bring them to Him! Please keep them and their salvation in your prayers.
I need to clothe myself in forgiveness everyday, especially on Mondays Wednsdays, and Fridays! Those are work days for me and I face so much spiritual warfare there! I am tested everyday I walk into that office. There is a situation where I am tested and tried over and over again! Im sad to say that I dont always pass the test, I get defeated, I try to handle it on my own. Then I remember FORGIVENESS... for the person who has offended me and for myself!

2007-04-03T22:46:00.000-06:00

I have such a heart for children. But up until recently, Friday night at the LHBC College Retreat actually, I realized I sometimes use kids as a cover up. When there are lots of people I can almost guarantee you that I will spend my time chasing the kiddos around or entertaining them. It almost as if this is my way of avoiding interaction with the older people. I am absolutely scared to death, and intimidated by my godly brothers and sisters. Its so much easier for me to go and love on these little guys then it is to have a grown up conversation. I am sometimes even fearful of this! I am so afraid I don't have much to offer to the grown up world.
But by God's grace, HE is using my relationships with these kids to bring me into relationship with their parents. I have slowly met and gotten to know so many women at LHBC just by serving their kids. Just simple things like telling Mommy how cute or good their kid was has opened doors for me!
And another huge deal for me is Christian Men. I haven't grown up around many of these. Its still so hard for me to be "real" with men, even those older than me (father like figures). The whole concept is still so new to me and I find myself clamming up. I feel uncomfortable and I cant explain it. Mark Henry and Howard Tipton are two examples of this. I have had both of their wives as amazing mentors and could really talk about stuff with them, but when it comes to their husbands ... i just don't know what happens. Both of these men are AMAZING men who I have seen counsel a many of people (even girls my age) but I don't feel like I can talk to them. Why is that? Why am I so scared to trust men? My Dad was (and still is) a wonderful father to me. I haven't been abandoned or hurt by men in my past. How do I get past this? How do I learn to depend on men just as much as I do women? Any advice?

Blessed

2007-03-25T10:39:00.000-06:00

Oh how blessed I am! Praise the Lord for an amazing family and group of friends! Thank yall so much for the surprise party last night! It really was a wonderful surprise! Thanks for loving me so much! I had a great time hanging out and visiting with everyone! Im so glad my parents were here and could meet yall too!
I just am so thankful and I cant say it enough! Thanks especially to Lance whose gift to me was .... MRS (or in my case MISS) Clariol! What a great gift ... haha! Thanks for all the sweet birthday wishes!

The Future?

2007-03-21T22:15:00.000-06:00

This is such a time of confusion in my life. Its so full of uncertainity! Times like this are so amazing cause really what choice do you have but to trust GOD? Really? I mean I could stress out and be a nervous wreck because I am graduating in 7 weeks and dont have a job. I could freak out cause I have no clue how God plans to use me after Graduation. I could buy into the worldly way and seek a job where I will make myself rich just so I will have more money!
Its so hard, BUT I know that God desires so much more for me. I know that He has a plan. I know if I trust and do His will, He will take care of my finances. I just dont know how to make other people understand that. I dont know how to explain to lost people that it doesnt matter how much money I make!
Its been amazing how calm and content I have been with the whole situation though! I have ready Philipins 4:6-8 over and over and over.
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.
Basically we have to choices: 1. be anxious ---- be miserable OR 2. PRAY for His help and be calm and content. This is a no brainer! Worry just leads to a miserable life! But for some reason we find it so much easier to worrry, yell at someone, lose sleep then it is to talk to our Daddy! Strange huh?
So for now I will just rest in having NO clue what God is gonna do in my life!

2007-03-20T09:31:00.000-06:00

Lately I have found myself feeling unworthy and undeserving of God's grace. I ignorantly compare God to people and wonder HOW He can still love me when I mess up. I blindly assume He is like people and will hold a grudge, or that I have to try so stinkin hard to win His love! I have been encouraged by these lyrics:
What is it You see in me
That makes You believe
No matter how far I stray
I will still find the way
Just when I think I'm not strong enough
You reach out to me and You lift me up
I don't know what makes You stay
When I act this way
No matter what we've been through
I can turn to You
Just when I think I'm not strong enough
You reach out to me and You lift me up
You find the beauty in my imperfections
The guiding light in all my misdirection
And when I think You've finally given up
You fill my heart with unconditional love
Wow what a beautiful picutre! Everytime we stray, we sin, we mess up ... God still wants us back! He gives us strength we never knew we had. HE makes us do things we never thought we could do. He is NOT like people! He says we are amazing, HIS creation! He doesnt want us turning ourselves inside out to please Him, to make Him like us better! He doesnt condem us for wanting to work a low paying job for HIS glory, He doesnt want us to feel like we are incomplete and unsatisfied it we are single! How can I know this and still doubt myself. Sitting down and writting, things just come out that you didnt even know where stored away in your mind, but apparently I have a lot of issues to work out! And satan is good at his game; I have been his victim for too long. I have let him use people in my life to discourage me, and to doubt myself and who God is! Its time to take action! Its time to DIG into Gods word. Its time to call satan out and rebuke him! Its time to get right!

Spring Break can mean a Mission Trip in your own Family!

2007-03-07T23:50:00.000-06:00

Well I wish I could say the nasty sin struggle with my mouth was over, but God is still working on me! This sin has so deeply rooted into my life that it will definatly take a while to get out of it! I have Matthew 12:36 on my computer at work where I am very much tempted to fall into the sin. Its so easy to just open my mouth and agree with other people. Its so easy to join in on the gossip! It seems everyday I am tempted over and over. I have just started to say outloud Matthew 12:36 every time the thought or temptation comes to me! Its amazing that just knowing the severity of that verse can make me stop in my tracks! Praise the Lord for giving me progress in having a better mouth!
Spring Break is just around the corner! YEA for a break from school. I will be going home the later part of the break and have had a bad attitude about it. But reading in Mark this week I was pointed to verse 5:19 "Go home to your family and tell them how much the Lord has done for you, and how he has had mercy on you." Some of you know that I have a very lost family. I dread going home sometimes when I know I will be face to face with my family and the life I lived before I became saved, the sins they continue to live in that God has brought me out of, or ones that I am still fighting daily to kick (namely gossip). God has a reason and plan for everything! It is our job to do as He instructs and have faith that HE is in control of every little thing! Listen to His promise in Mark 5:34: He said to her, "Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering." If we just trust Him and have faith He will make all things right, whether it be physical, emotional, or spiritual suffering! Isnt God's word amazing? He really does love us sooo much! Praise the Lord that I have much to be thankful for!
1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.

Whats on your lips?

2007-02-22T22:26:00.000-06:00

He who guards his lips guards his life, but he who speaks rashly will come to ruin.
~Proverbs 13:3
I was thinkin this morning about my tounge. Not casue I wanted to taste something, but about how it controls me instead of God controlling it!
How often do we put our tounges to good use? (our speech is building others up or giving praise and glory to God)??? Sure we may do it ever now and then. BUT if you are like me its usually the opposite! Sin creeps right in when I am with people ( friends, co-workers, family) and there are those awkard moments of silence. I open my mouth and it all goes downhill! I need to remember that if I can't add something benefical to the silence then I dont need to open my big mouth! I usually remember after its too late!
How fast I catch myself sharing secrets, talking about people just because everyone else is, or just saying something that isnt edifying or appropriate! How easily I slip right back into that sin that I have fought so hard to overcome when I am around certian people, when I get caught up in the way this world operates! God's warning in Matthew 12:36 brings me face to face with the reality though. "I tell you that men will have to give account on the day of judgment for every careless word they have spoken".
WOW! How much more powerful and realistic can it get? This is GODS promise to you and me! Please pray that I will stop filling the silences with me! I pray that the Lord will mold and reshape me and my attitudes. I desire to give Him my tounge and let Him put it use as He see's fit!

2007-02-20T23:42:00.000-06:00

God's word is so good! I was reading in Matthew tonight. I was totally convicted right off the bat! Matthew 6:1 "Be careful not to do your 'acts of righteousness' before men, to be seen by them. If you do, you will have no reward from your Father in heaven.
If I am being completely honest and transparent here I do not always have pure, unselfish motives for serving others. Sometimes its because I want them to like me, sometimes its cause I want to be served in return, and sometimes I just want recognition! UGH! That is a pretty horrible sentence to admit! Now dont get me wrong I am not completely self motivated and self-involved! Sometimes I just serve because I enjoy it or I can feel God leading me to do it. But that other 1/2 the time is important as well. I can't serve God and my ego at the same time!
This is short and sweet and I know I already blogged once today but I felt like God laid this on my heart so I wanted to share!

2007-02-20T11:23:00.000-06:00

"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things". Philipians 4:8
It is so important that we keep our minds cleansed and pure. I know when I struggle with things its usually because I entertain thoughts in my mind. Whether it be a struggle with boys consuming my life, not gossiping, my bitterness ... to name a few, I know that I have set myself up for distruction! You HAVE to take each thought captive EVERY time it comes into your mind. I can almost always pinpoint where it all went wrong when I sin. I can reply the conversation in my mind of Satan's lies and know that I didn't take it to Jesus. I didn't quote scripture, I didn't call Satan out. I did let him in my mind and I did buy into his propaganda.
We have to turn our eyes and ears from this world when we are tempted! Its been helpful for me to have verses on notecards. I have some in my purse, my bookbag, my car. I keep them up at work where I am really tempted to sin! Just yesterday I had an instance where one of the ladies snapped at me, rudely and loud enough to draw attention to the situation, over a misunderstanding! It took everything in me to take it! I immediately pulled out my notecards and read Luke 6:29 "If someone strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other also".
As angry as I was, God's word calmed my heart so that I didn't react. Praise the Lord for letting me act in a godly way not a worldly way!

Graduation

2007-02-17T10:51:00.000-06:00

So I FINALLY found out when I graduate! May 11th at 9 am WHOOP! Yea for seeing the light at the end of the tunnel!
I cant even begin to tell you how much my life has changed since I came to A&M in 2003. God has totally rocked my world! I got saved in 2004 which really was THE turning point in my life. Praise the Lord that I had 2 roommates who introduced me to Him! I changed majors, friends, and just the way I was living life! I have so many wonderful memories from my time here in Aggieland! So many friends who came in to my life for a season! I have lost touch with lots of them but they are forever in my heart! I can see now the reason God blessed me with their friendship in that specific time. But I have almost a totally new group of people around me now who are total godsends as well, mainly the amazing people at Living Hope and my wonderful Hope Group! God knows what we need when we need it and He is always faithful to provide ... in HIS time!
I have become so aware of the sin I was living in. I was a moral person who never knew the difference between morality and Christianity! I became so aware of my weakness and struggles! I fell deeper and deeper in love with my Savior!
Oh God can do amazing things in 4 years and He has done them in my life. Sometimes I am guily of overlooking His goodness and faithfulness in my own life. Sitting here remember where I was just 4 years ago, how much He has molded me and changed me, pursued me just gives me chills!
I am so super excited about what God has planned for me and my future! I cant wait to see how much more he molds and shapes me! I cant wait to see what struggles and addictions HE will set me free from, how many more friendships He will bless me with!
I just cant wait!!!!

2007-02-15T11:23:00.000-06:00

Time after time you’ve been left behind
like the sun when it’s starting to rain
Time after time you’ve been forgotten
like a picture that’s faded with age
Time after time you ran after me
when I was still running away
Chorus: You never give up on me
No, You never give up on me
Though I’m weak you are strong
You told me I still belong
No, you never, never give up on me
Time after time I’ve used your grace
as a way to do what I please
I’ve taken for granted prayers that you answered
never been all I could be
You are holding out your hands
and now I clearly see
Chorus
You always erase all my mistakes
You lift me up when I'm down
Through all the ages, Your love never changes
You welcome me just as I am
Chorus
never give up, never give up on me...

This song gives me chills and convictions at the same time! What a beautiful reminder of Christ's love for us. How quick we are to forget about His love and provisions. How easy we let this world and our circumstances rob us of all God has to offer! YET how faitful is He to always take us back, always pick us up, continue to pursue, as long as we will search for him! Deuteronomy 4:29 But if from there you seek the LORD your God, you will find him if you look for him with all your heart and with all your soul.
God promises to not leave us! How great is that! Talk about real love! And we don't need Valentine's Day to make us feel loved! We are loved and blessed by God everday! Just take a look around... the relationships and friendships God has given you, the beautiful trees, flowers, birds, sky ... God made these for us to enjoy!
How can people see things like that and not believe, not feel blessed! Its so convicting for me to remember this on a daily basis! GOD loves me! ME! Even if I feel like no one else does I can REST in knowing that HE does!

2007-02-11T12:31:00.001-06:00

Whew what a ride life has taken me on lately. I know they ups and downs are because of my lack of trust and faith and the fact that I have made my God so little in my own life. I have been guilty of asking small things and thus being unsatisfied. I am fearful of so many things, sadly God hasn't been one them. I have grown stagnant, lukewarm, indifferent. Revelation 3:16 says "So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth". Wow my apathy makes God want to throw up! If thats not convicting then I don't know what is. Its so powerful when you look at your own life and realize that you are lukewarm. Im not helping anyone by being this way. God says he would rather me be cold than lukewarm. I have been saved by Him, yet I don't live like He sent His son to die for me. Little problems turn into drama, hurt feelings turn into a pity party, and lonliness leads to depression.
Its not fun when we realize how much we let our cicrumstances control us... how easily WE can give into this world. One thing I have really noticed that Satan is using in my life is country music. Now I am not saying that country music is sinful. BUT I am the kinda girl who can't listen to those lovey dovey songs without my mind wandering and desiring what those songs offer. I hadn't listened to country music for a few months, until just recently. Now love (the worldly boy/girl kind) is constantly consuming my mind. Just like any kind of struggle you have, you have to realize your weakness and not put your self into situations that make you vulnerable. This is a weakness so its really dangerous for me to think I can handle it. Do I like country music ... heck yes, but I love God more. As much as it stinks, its really not that much of a sacrafice compared to what He sacraficed for me ... and you! This may sound really dumb to you, but it makes sense to me! Its just like if sex is a weakness, dont be alone with the opposite sex. If gossiping is a struggle, don't surround yourself with people who tend to talk about people . No matter how strong you think you are SATAN will do everything to tempt you.

Bucket Lady

2007-01-14T23:40:00.000-06:00

I came across this story in a book I read this weekend. It is paraphrased and put somewhat into my words. It just really spoke truth into my heart about my own insecurities. I dont know if this is true or a struggle for anyone else, but I wanted to share it anyway.

Bucket lady?
God designed all human beings with a hole in our heart the size of the Grand Canyon. We sense the emptiness within and are driven to fill it. But we don’t always turn to God for fulfillment, instead we look everywhere else. We go out into the world with our bucket and hand it to the people around us and say “FILL ME. FIX ME. LOVE ME. MAKE ME FEEL OKAY.” We feel like we need to justify ourselves and give the world a good reason why it should allow us to take up breathing space. Sound familiar? We want someone to love us and we think that means we have to do all these things to make ourselves lovable.
The bucket lady always thinks the answer to her emptiness is right around the corner. She tries to fill her bucket with accomplishments, friends, even staying busy with Christian rituals. The truth is she will never rest until that hole is filled … and it can never be filled with a bucket. The bucket lady tries to fill her life with things that can never satisfy.
A hard thing for me personally is knowing that it is possible (maybe even inevitable) to have people in my life that could care less about me. You can hand them your bucket and they toss it aside without a second thought!
I don’t know how true this is, but I thought it was worth sharing as well. “Men are born with an internal Bucket Lady Detection Device. They see a bucket lady (a woman who tries too hard to get their attention and win their love) coming at them and something inside them screams “run for your life”. Now they might dally with you before they run for the hills. But you can take it to the bank: He ain’t gonna stay around long enough to fill your bucket. The only thing he’ll do with your bucket is reach into your heart, pull out what little you’ve got, and leave you dry”.
The Samaritan woman who meets Jesus at the well gives practical advice for bucket ladies (or men). She meets Jesus and he tells her “Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life."(John 4:13-14). Then notice what happens in verse 28 “Then, leaving her water jar, the woman went back to the town”.
Once she allowed Jesus to fill that hole in her heart, to place within her that spring of water welling up to eternal life, she didn’t need her bucket anymore! She didn’t have to live like a bucket lady anymore. You and I don’t have to live like one either!
My desire it that I daily remember to ask Jesus to so lavish me (and you) with His love, his approval, his acceptance so that we no longer need to frantically search for love, approval, and acceptance from people.

2006-12-10T20:41:00.000-06:00

Wow! Its been a while and I have a much better attitude these days! I have been so busy and its not over yet! I have a final at 8 in the morning. Then one more on Wednesday! WHEW! Cant wait to be done. This weekend was LHBC's Christmas Play! Pretty much amazing. I worked with some wonderful people. It was such a blessing . . . and no I was not in the play, but I helped. I am gonna miss seeing all these new friends everyday for hours! It was a neat experience and cool way to serve God alongside my amazing Brothers and Sisters.
Just an update ... 5 months and 3 classes till I graduate in MAY! WHOOP! I am so excited and scared at the same time becuase I am not sure where God wants me in that time. I have no clue how He is planning to use me or where He wants me planted.
I have GOT to get back to the books now! Just wanted to update this and wish everyone a MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!

Can't Breathe

2006-11-16T00:05:00.000-06:00

I feel like I’m suffocating here in this place.
I’m falling farther and farther behind in the race.
When I think about who I’ve become,
I just feel sick and my body goes numb.
Angry and emotional; controlled by my stress,
Just trying to survive while my life becomes an ugly mess.
Living in defeat almost every single day.
I have lost myself somewhere along the way.
I look in the mirror and have to close my eyes.
The person staring back is only a disguise.
I want to be me, but I’m so stinking scared.
Will God still love me, is He really prepared?
The King is enthralled by my beauty, according to God’s word.
He really loves me; I find it so absurd.
How can He love someone as unworthy as me?
I try so hard, but the ends never meet.
I’m a messed up girl in this terrible, fallen world.
Yet God still loves me, like His own little girl!

2006-11-13T21:19:00.000-06:00

So Im a big fat jerk! I have let myself get deeper and deeper into the stress of life. I have allowed myself to focus on all I have to do and completely turned into a crab. I totally snapped at my Mom tonight about something dumb. We had a miscommunication and I reacted horribly! I got in my car and just bawled my eyes out. I didnt realize how tense I was. One little thing set me off. What has my life come to? Am I really the kind of woman who "reacts"? I dont like who I have become the last few weeks. I dont like the thoughts that come into my mind. I hate the defeat I feel almost daily! I mean really what is wrong with me?!? I cant even deal with the stress and overwhelming feelings. I am in need of prayers. I am in need of grace, in need of love, in need of mercy raining down from high above. In need of a Savior! I need to turn things around! Stop putting all my trust and hopes in myself and as Butch would say "put all my eggs in the Jesus basket"! I cant let my emotions control me! I can't react because I want to or someone provoked me! Its not who He is and it cant be who I am! Anyways, just needed to get this off my chest.

2006-10-24T21:02:00.000-06:00

Yea for more great weather! And praise the Lord for meeting new people everyday! Its going good, and I am slowly getting my energy and strength back! WHOOP! Oh yea and praise Jesus for my crazy sister! Someone tied some HAPPY BIRTHDAY balloons on her car, so she crossed off happy bday with a marker and wrote "FEEL BETTER SOON LOVE SCOOBY AND TICA"(our animals...) and gave them to me! CRAZY but gotta love her!

2006-10-23T22:24:00.000-06:00

Yea for the amazing weather today! Nothing like the sun and wind to remind you of Gods greatness! And what about a one hour phone call with a friend I havent had time to catch up with!!! Yea! Thank you Jesus for my giving me a nice warm bed to cuddle up into tonight!!!

2006-10-22T15:15:00.000-06:00

I just have to say that I love the Lord with all my heart! Its my desire to please Him and to bring Him honor and glory. I dont stop to blog about the blessings near enough. I dont stop to tell people near enough about the blessings God has bestown on me. But the minute things are scary or bad here I am. Well thats gonna change NOW! I have got to be more thankful and more appreciative of ALL things Christ does. So its my goal to blog at least every other day! It wont always be a long insightful one, but I will start sharing the blessings, the answered prayers, the little things that put a smile on my face. And feel free to share with me the ways God blesses your life. We , at least I do, need to realize even the "little" things are gifts from God. I think we get caught up and just take things for granted! So my new plan: STOP and SMELL THE FLOWERS! I am given lots of chances at work when people ask me why I am so happy, but I just reply its a good day or something like that. The new me desires to take advantage of the little moments and say Im happy cause JESUS loves me, or cause God has blessed me again; giving God the credit! So I challenge you brothers and sisters; be different, be bold, be real!

2006-10-19T22:38:00.000-06:00

Intimacy I wanna know you Jesus intamitaly
You are my refuge
I want intimicay
Apart from you I have nothing good.

Intimacy is something we crave. Im not talking about sex here. I am talking about our desire to be relational, to be close with people. We were created this way. God gave us this desire so that we could join together and be in this life together. So why do I feel so bad about this desire of mine? Why cant I have this desire met by a few surface level friendships? Why cant I just get that guy to love me and we can grow old together and love the Lord together! My priorities are all screwed up thats why!!! I know its a horrible sin to flirt with. But recently through a friend speakin truth into my life just by sharing some hard stuff that shes been dealing with has openned my eyes! A girl who I like, but never really have been close with confided in me about a similar issue going on in her own relationship. Talk about God using other people! We both were able to share and relate to each other in a way I never imagined possible. Its amazing how much being open, real, scared, vulnerable with others can bring God honor.
So with that being said please if anyone even reads this pray for me. Pray that I can let God have the dersires of my heart ... ALL of them! And just trust Him with the results. With God on my side I KNOW that nothing is impossible!!! NOTHING!
As its starting to hit me that I will be graduating soon, all the fear is coming at me. God tell us not to fear, He has a plan. Its just really really scary for me to have no clue where He is taking me. I know its gonna be amazing and that I just have to be patient and let Him be Lord. I admit I have failed here, and continue to everyday, and am now just really living in defeat right now. I am afraid I will be a dissapointment to my parents with my job, Im afraid I will never find a man to love me, afriad I will never get to have my very own babies, afraid I will miss Gods calling for me, afraid I am all alone, afraid!!!
Thats alot of fear and until you just put it out there you dont realize how much that fear affects your life to the very core! This blog seemed to have detoured from what I was gonna talk about. Hmmm... Im sure there was a reason this all came out instead. I trust that God is right here with me and knows who (if anyone) reads this and maybe this is something you needed to hear, to know you aren't alone. So I am sorry this blog didnt really flow, but that cool. It feels nice to have those things off my chest.
But now i am getting really sleppy, I thinks its all the meds Im taking. Anyways, me and my horrile cough and uvulitis are going to bed!!!

Sick and Tired...

2006-10-15T15:28:00.000-06:00

Whew! Can I just say how stinkin sick and tired I am of tryin to please everyone else. It seems the harder I try to make everyone else happy the more I fail and the more unhappy I become! Well I cant do it anymore. I have to stop tryin and just let God do whatever He wants in these relationships. I am not doing anyone any favors by turning myself inside out to please them. I am just miserable and unhappy and its got to come to an end. I confess this as sin in my life and pray that God will change my heart and mind and attitude. I pray that I can still be selfless but without the motivation of pleasing people. I want to be Gods hands and feet in whatever way He asks me to. And if Gods plans dont line up with pleasing the people in my life, well they will just have to understand or continue to be mad at me. Life's too short to worry about making people mad. As long as my eyes are focused on Christ the little stuff just wont matter. Not to say it wont still be there, but I can choose to not let it effect me.I know that God has great things for me and wants to use me and I get so mad at myself when I see how much time I put into pleasing others instead of doing God's will. I dont think its Gods will for me to please people, but to LOVE them. I have to understand that loving them isnt always gonna look the way I think it should. Anyways this was just something thats been on my heart and I wanted to put it out there!

2006-09-15T21:03:00.000-06:00

So it seems that the green eyed monster has been weighing on me lately. I dont think I have a horrible self esteem, although its not the best. And I know that God has created me in His image, that HE thinks Im lovely, He is enthralled by me! WOW! So that should make you slap your self outta the blues. But I think I havent truly trusted Him, Im still trying to do things on my own, in my flesh. I find myself getting jealous of little, stupid things! GROSS! I find myself wanting what others have, the relationships they have, or even just blessings God has given them. I catch myself almost everytime though, AMEN! GOD is so faithful to remind me when I am out of line. He constantly convicts me as soon as the thoughts enter my mind. He doesnt give me the time to entertain the thoughts! I am constantly reminded that I am no where near being who God wants me to be. AHHH! But I just have to keep reminding myself I am a work in progress. I am called to be perfecting not PERFECT! And it seems that since I dont like to ask for help, I have just been suffering alone. ALONE ... not a fun feeling, but Christ is living in me! Maybe I am too dependent on human company, instead of letting God keep me company. I am such a people person, yet being vulnerable with another human being scares the mess outta me. Im so scared of ...everything and yet I am reminded that fear = sin. Im not trusting God with my ALL! So Im really gonna try and cry out for help, try and be transparent with my brothers and sisters, and REALLY let God have the drivers seat. So any prayers would be greatly appreciated!

2006-07-23T22:59:00.000-06:00

Well its been a while! School has kept me from blogging. But alas I found a few minutes to squeeze in a blog. This last week has been insane for me. I have been brought to my knees more times than I can count. I have just been in constant prayer all week. Sometimes it takes a week like this to make you realize how much you need God! Nothing major or really bad happened to me. Just enough inconviences and annoying things to make you wanna scream! Or cry ... which I also did alot of. God has to teach us to be more like Him. And this was definatly a teaching moment for me. I try to handle everything on my own. I HATE asking people for help and I don't like when I cant do it on my own. Why can't I just give it to God? This week there were several times when I had to ask for physical help! No fun for me. I didn't know how to change a tire ... so I HAD to ask for help. Its a very humbling thing to do for someone like me. Even something as small as helping change a tire. I dont want to to inconvience others sometimes, well usually, but God says in Galatians 6:2 we are to "Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ". He COMMANDS us to help each other. When you look at it like that, by not leaning on others I am being disobeient! Ouch! I know God is gonna help me to lean on Him and my Brothers and Sisters, no matter how scary it is! This tire thing is just a small step in the right direction! When I need helping kicking Satan's butt in the sin areas of my life I will hopefully be able to go to a brother or sister and ask for accountability, i will be able to confess sin! All in good time! I just have to LET GO!!! We sang a song a few weeks in church that brought me to tears!
Deliver me when I try it on my own
Deliver me when pride puts me on your throne
Deliver me when I dont close my eyes to see
Deliver me from me
Until my life mean nothing
and you are all I need
I have definatly sang that song many times before. But Gods good and that song was just what I needed to hear! I had never really listened to those words, I just went thru the motions of singing! I nevere really understood the impact, the truth of it. Its like that with a lot of songs, Christian or not. We just sing them and dont really mean them, dont fully understand what they are about and the message they offer!
So my advice: STOP and LISTEN to those worship songs you have sang over and over! MEAN what you sing! Dont be afraid to lean on others AND God! Just go out there and LOVE!

Another good one...

2006-06-14T20:50:00.000-06:00

My princess you're never alone
You never need to hold on to anyone out of fear of being alone, my precious princess. I am with you wherever you are. I am the friend who walks in when the world walks out. I created you to have strong relationships, My love, and I see your desire to be close to someone. If you will seek Me first and come to Me with your wants and needs, I will choose your friends for you. I also will bless those friendships abundantly. Don’t settle for less than My best just to fill your schedule with people to see and places to go. I want to reach you with the reality of My presence in you first, and then you will be ready for real relationships that are orchestrated by Me.
Love,
Your King and your Best Friend
“And be sure of this: I a am with you always, even to the end of the age” Matthew 28:20

Good stuff!

2006-06-13T19:50:00.000-06:00

I got this book His Princess: Love Letters from Your King. I wanted to share an short piece from it that really touched my heart! Hope you enjoy!

My Princess you don't have to fit in!
I know you want to be accepted by others, but you were not made to fit in. You, my princess, were created to stand out. Not to draw attention to yourself, but to live the kind of life that leads others to Me. Remember, it's your choices that will pave your path to life. I will not force you to do anything. I have given you a free will to walk with Me or to walk away from Me. I want you to know that you can put your crown on at anytime and let people know that you belong to Me. You have a royal call on your life. I want you to remember you wear the crown of everlasting life, and through you I will do abundantly more than you could ever dare to dream.
Love,
Your King and Crown Giver
Am I know trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ.
Galatians 1:10

Fix me!

2006-06-11T22:00:00.000-06:00

Sometimes I am just too sensitive for my own good. I don’t mean to be. I am glad that I am so passionate about people, but I think I have taken it too far. I get my feelings hurt so easily and take what people say to heart. I’ve been this way as long as I can remember. I don’t know how to fix it, how to fix me. I have found myself to be quite the bitter, angry 23 year old. And what do I have to be bitter about?!? I have a great family who have always supported me and am blessed to be at such an amazing university. I don’t have any physical defects that cause my life to be any harder than most peoples. So then why do I find myself in this whirlwind of anger and self-pity? I just don’t get it. Satan has done such a number on me. He has pushed and pushed, fed me lie after lie and somewhere along the way I have bought into him. Somehow I let him convince me that I am not good enough, not smart enough, not pretty enough, for any person of this world to love, much less for GOD to love me! We girls have been told time after time, by friends and family and even God’s word, that we are all those things and so much more. So why is it so easy for us to buy into this world’s ideas? It is so frustrating for me. Maybe I am having to go through this difficult time because God knows I look to much to people for my happiness. He knows how bad I desire to have their approval, their love. God knows that I sometimes (quite frequently actually) put people in my life over Him. And sometimes I think it would just be easier if He just took all the people out of my life. I have faith though that with God’s help I can beat this. I don’t believe that He wants me isolated and alone. He can do amazing things in my life, if I will just let go and give it to Him. I guess I have just been too stubborn. Things are getting to the point now though where I realize I don’t have a choice. Now matter how hard I try I can’t do it, not in the flesh. I am completely broken and know that nothing else I try will work. I HAVE to put all my faith in Jesus Christ and let Him work in ways that I can’t even imagine.
On a side note I have really been hit with the fact that one reason I am so unhappy is because of ME. I know there are people in my life that God has placed around me to LOVE me. But I don’t know what my deal is. I just push them away. I don’t want to let anyone get too close. I think I am afraid of letting anything good to happen to me. If that makes any sense at all? I pull away from the ones who WANT in my life and try to get the approval of people who could really care less if they only saw me once a month. I think I know that and it just seems safer to pursue those friendships that I know will be one sided and surface level. I don’t have it figured out. I pretty much have nothing figured out. Any insight would be greatly appreciated!

Bad Blogger!

2006-06-05T16:56:00.000-06:00

So I guess I am an official bad blogger! It has been over a month since our list chat. Life has just been so amazingly busy. God is so God. I am hoping that this Summer I can really slow down and concentrate on Him and what is really important. But with all the weddings, wedding showers, and baby showers going on it will be a challenge. I have formed relationships with new people and learned so much about Godly love as opposed to worldly love. I have been shown love by people who barely know me. I have been invited into their homes and their families and even their hearts! What better example of Christ! I am so convicted and desire to show that kinda live to everyone I come in contact with, even the people I force myself to love. We have to pray that God will show us how to love "the unloavable". We cant do it on our own, in our flesh! We all have these people in our life. Some refuse the love we try to give, some reject us and what we stand for, and then there are some who just annoy us. Whatever excuse we come up with, know there really is NO EXCUSE!!! We are called to love EVERYONE! Not to love those who love us back, not to love only those who are like us, and certinaly not to love people we like!!! We are to pray for our enemies! WOW! Thats what we are called to do. And so often I fall short. In church we started our relationship series and I was just blown away after the first sermon yesterday. We are supposed to love UNSELFISHLY! When you really think about it that is much harder to do that say. A song they played really said it best:
Everything you hold in your hand
still you make time for me
I can't understand
I sometimes dont understand how God has time and the energy to love me. But He does! He is so good! And you just have to remember that! We really need to love one another. I know I have a lot to learn, but I know God is faithful to teach me. I want to be some moldable and teachable to become more like Him!

2006-04-26T21:56:00.000-06:00

I was just blown away today. I can't even begin to tell you how good God is. He is just so amazingly wonderful. What better reminder than perfect weather. The weather really makes you stop and thank God for everything He has created. Just starting off first thing this morning being so greatful to God really made a difference. I was just so joyful all day long. I couldnt stop smiling. Days like that just dont happen near as often as they should you know. We are so caught up in our own selves and we just forget that it is by the grace of God that we are here. We become stressed and worried and selfish and dont stop and remember the REASON or the PERSON who is in control! We lose so much joy cause we conform to this world! My Mom forwarded this email to me and I wanted to share it with yall! It is very convicting!Take care and GOD BLESS!!!

As you got up this morning, I watched you, and hoped you would talk to me, even if it was just a few words, asking my opinion or thanking me for something good that happened in your life yesterday. But I noticed you were too busy, trying to find the right outfit to wear.When you ran around the house getting ready, I knew there would be a few minutes for you to stop and say hello, but you were to busy. At one point you had to wait fifteen minutes with nothing to do except sit in a chair. Then I saw you spring to your feet. I thought you wanted to talk to me but you ran to the phone and called a friend to get the latest gossip instead. I watched patiently all day long. With all our activities I guess you were too busy to say anything to me! I noticed that before lunch you looked around, maybe you felt embarrassed to talk to me, that is why you didn't bow your head. You glanced three or four tables over and you noticed some of your friends talking to me briefly before they ate, but you didn't. That's okay. There i s still more time left, and I hope that you will talk to me yet.You went home and it seems as if you had lots of things to do. After a few of them were done, you turned on theTV. I don't know if you like TV or not, just about anything goes there and you spend a lot of time each day in front of it not thinking about anything, just enjoying the show. I waited patiently again as you watched the TV and ate your meal, but again you didn't talk to me. Bedtime I guess you felt too tired. After you said goodnight to your family you plopped into bed and fell asleep in no time. That's okay because you may not realize that I am always there for you. I've got patience, more than you will ever know.... I even want to teach you how to be patient with others as well. I love you so much that I wait everyday for a nod, prayer or thought, or a thankful part of your heart. It is hard to have a one-sided conversation. Well, you are getting up once again. Once again I will wait, with nothing but love for you. Hoping that today you will give me some time. Have a nice day! Your friend,GOD

2006-04-23T21:08:00.000-06:00

Wow! Its been a while. Hmm I guess I just got to busy to take the time and sit and write. Although to my defense I did sit and write one on Friday but accidently erased it while editing. Anyways, its that time of the semester we all love. Suckin it up to make it thru the last week so we can take our finals. The closing of this semester is bittersweet for several reasons. I just cant believe how fast it goes. Lots of things coming to an end. We are actually grown ups. Scary huh? Well I am very thankful for my job at Transportation Services. God really blessed me with some amazing, godly women as my coworkers. It is such an encouragment to work with them. We are all so different but are constantly pushing each other to be better whether it be thru talking or just watching how they handle themselves. God is just totally at work in their hearts and it pushes me to want to be better too! I have really come to term with the fact that I have lots of friends. But I dont really have a whole lot of people who inspire me because of God in their lives. I am slowly starting to connect with other believers in my church. Its very humbling to be around these AMAZING people. They arent shy about their faith, they arent too proud to tell you they struggle, and they are just SO loving! They definatly convict me when I try to pretend I have it all under control. Hmm. Funny I never really knew how much I needed, wanted, desired to have control. Im coping with the fact that I am not supposed to! Im finally learning to pry my fingers off my life, my sin, the people who I think I can save! Its getting easier to trust God. Dont get me wrong I still STRUGGLE with it, but it gets easier the more and more I do it. I have been keeping a bitterness log and writing all the times I get angry or bitter. WOW. Sometimes you dont even realize that it is second nature till you start keeping up with it. It has been a good experience. I am makin myslef go back a few days after each entry and write why I acted the way I did. Hopefully soon I will see a decline in the number of entries. For now I am tryin to take captive EVERY thought. I am just trusting God that He will free me from this nasty, ugly sin in my life. I know He has big plans for me and I cant possibly carry out Gods will if I am too busy being mad and bitter about the past or what other people did or didnt do for me. Its so stupid. But I know God will work it all out for HIS glory. So thats about it! Hope everyone has a great week and gets plenty of rest for FINALS!

Selfless Love

2006-04-02T20:12:00.000-06:00

So do you ever catch yourself acting in a way that makes you sick to your stomach? Its so easy to spot the sins in other peoples lives, but when we see it in our own heart it makes us sick! This is exactly how I felt when I realized that I was storing up this anger and bitterness from someone hurting my feelings, only to see that I had carried these feelings over to my other relationships. I have let myself become scared to love, scared to care becuase I dont want to get my feelings hurt again. Well NEWSFLASH everyone is not gonna always please me, people are gonna hurt my feelings, people will let me down, but God won't! Maybe God knows that I had put that relationship above Him. Someone once told me that God knows the person (people) we most desire approval from and purposly withholds it from us, so that we will lean on HIM! And what good does being scared do? Who does it help? 1 John 4:18 says "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love". Yet how often do I LIVE in fear? This fear of rejection, fear of not being loved by this world. It just makes me sick! Why have I wasted 23 years of my life living in this pit. Thinking I have to have apporaval and acceptance from anyone other than my God. God has called us to agape love. We are to give and keep giving EVEN when we receive NOTHING in return. We are to love in ATTITUDE and ACTION! I have got to stop loving based on feelings! Feelings = flesh! I have to learn to be completely selfless with my love. I dont deserve ANYTHING! I know that if I can learn to biblically love (not worldly love) my brothers and sisters in Christ then I will be set free from this bitterness that I have been dealing with. God can set me free!
"Generally speaking, to have the happiness, joy, and fullfillment you desire, you must put yourself aside and place God and others first. In regards to your relationship with God, set your heart on glorifying God whether you get your way or not". Martha Peace

Idolatry

2006-03-22T22:15:00.000-06:00

In my sociology class we talked about the McDonaldization of society. How we are people of convience and we want what we want when we want it. If you apply that to our spiritual walks more than likely you will see the same thing. We talk to our God only when we need something or have a desire. When we do take things to Him we expect immediate results. When things arent what we expected we get angry and wonder if God really loves us. We take things into our own hands cause we dont get the answer fast enought, or its not the answer we WANT. Yea. Thats pretty crappy of us huh. Maybe you dont ever do this, but I can't lie to you. I do it more often than I would like to admit. I am reading a new book and it seems as though it was written for me. Things I never thought about, but definatly do have been revealed to me. Idolatry is what this book is about. Why do we think we have to have certain things or people in our lives? What do they REALLY mean to us? How far are we willing to go to attain these things? Why are these desires so powerful? Ask yourself these questions. Sometimes we let these desires of our heart consume us and it becomes so strong that it totally messes up our thinking. I have realized that my desire to have godly relationships has become an idol in my life. Granted there is nothing wrong with wanting to surround myself with godly people, it is a blessing and a source of joy BUT it seems as though I have allowed this to take top priority in my life. When we make relationships conditional they are not of God. We cant expect people to bless us because we act a certian way, and we cant only love people when they act the way we would like. If we do the things and act the way we do because we are motivated by God's love then there is no problem. But so often we do them primarily to satisfy our own desires. Idols make us desperate to keep them. We sell ourselves to them, and we believe that the loss of them is an unbearable affliction - a curse even. We become isolated, desperate, sad, hopeless. This is where I have found myself. But there is hope! We can rest knowing Gods grace and mercy is avaliable to us.

Deceived

2006-03-09T19:08:00.000-06:00

Satan has really deceived me in my relationships with other people. He has made me think that I have to get something in return since I give so freely to others. But God has really showed me that it is a LIE. He revealed to me in Matthew 5:38-42. " You have heard that it was said, 'Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth. But I tell you, Do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if someone wants to sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well. If someone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles. Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you". Wow! So God commands us to LOVE each other and expect NOTHING in return. Yet how selfish are we to think we DESERVE something! Afterall, we have already been given GRACE. Knowing that affects probably 90% of my relationships. I have let myself get so mad when people treated me badly. I didn't even know this was a sin. God has definatly continued to love me EVERY time I have put something or someone over Him, when I chose this world and its temporary pleasures over chosing Him. OUCH! How dare I think I can get mad when I am not someone else's priority! I have found it so humbling to take the mistreatment, remarks, and being overlooked. Sometimes things are NOT worth fighting over (as long as it is not a sin issue), I need to remember that. So many times I have got my feelings hurt and in the flesh acted out in unbiblical ways ... gossip, anger, bitterness to name a few! Being in the flesh is the key here, we cant allow ourselves to live in the flesh. This is where we are guaranteed to sin! So anyways this is just something that has been on my heart so there you have it! Hope everyone has an amazing Spring Break! Be careful wherever God takes you!

FYI

2006-03-06T19:08:00.000-06:00

These last few weeks have been very hectic so I just wanted to let anyone out there reading this that I am still alive. And I could definatly use any prayers you guys wanna send my way. So much going on and lots of stress and anxiety! I will be updating soon, just have to make it thru 5:30 on Friday!!!

Reproof

2006-02-26T22:53:00.000-06:00

Biblical reproof is telling someone what they are doing wrong with an intent to restore them to a right relationship with God. It is definatly a lost art in our generation. We dont rebuke or reprove those we love. I know I have fallen short here, but I also know that there have been VERY few times when anyone has loved me enough to tell me where I am sinning as well. I dont think it is necessarily that we dont LOVE each other, I think we just are scared! We are scared of how they will react, how it will affect our relationship, if there will be lots of tension; but shouldnt we be more scared that by letting them go on in their sin they may find theirself going to hell?!? When you put it that way, OUCH! We are sometimes so blindsided by our own sins! And when we do realize it, usually only cause we have hit rock bottom, we wonder why no one ever told us? Did people you call your "friends" not really see the area of disobedience in your life ... or were they too scared to call you out on it. Having to tell someone that you love about an area of their life where you see the are fallin from Christ is perhaps the scariest thing we will ever do. We must pray about it and be genuine when we go to them. I know a lot of the times I think that hinting to someone about a sin in there life is good enough. Its NOT! People are oblivious to vauge indirect hints. Sometimes we feel that we are not qualified to reprove someone cause we are not perfect, or even worse cause we struggle with the EXACT same thing that we are gonna call them out on. And a lot of times we think well I will just pray for them. Scripture is clear that as Christians we are called to help each other become more like Christ. As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another. (Proverbs 27:17) If we claim to be Christians we are held to the word of God as our final authority. I am CLAIMING Jesus Christ as my savior! So I am beggin you, if you are also making that same claim and can see areas of my life where I have fallen short PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE love me enough to call me on it. I may not even know what I am doing. I want to be made like Christ more and more every day! I cant promise I wont get my feelings hurt, but guess what I WILL get over it. It is very humbling to have someone come to you and want to help you. I will do everything in my power to receive reproof as well as I can. I am dyin for someone to love me enough to hold me accountable. And we urge you brothers, warn those who are idle, encourage the timid, help the weak, and be patient with everyone. (1 Thess 5:14)

Amazing

2006-02-22T23:25:00.000-06:00

So I only cried minimally today. My Mom told me that she is taking my Dad to Houston tomorrow to the heart specialist. He has been having problems and the doctors said his heart was enlarged. Not really sure what that means, but I am guessing its not good. So please keep him and my family in your prayers with that.
Tonight was such a nice distraction, I actually enjoyed myself. I FINALLY caught up with my girl Sarah whom I feel like I NEVER EVER see anymore. We hung out and caught up. Then we went to some friends house. We had such a good time. Just laughing and joking around, I felt so carefree. Why cant every day be like that? Why do we complicate things so much that we dont even enjoy life anymore? These are some friends that are definatly good to have around. Things are not complicated and everyone just enjoys each others company.
LOVE LIFE. Love the people around you. Love GOD. Nothing else really matters. God will take care of you, just be obedient. Stop making things complicated, just obey!
Well, i just had some more tears. My Bible study leader JUST emailed us that they had been chosen as foster parents for a 1 year old and 2 year old. HOW AMAZING. They had just gotten approved to be foster parents and how quickly God answered their prayers. The children have been taken from their mother for neglect. This is such an amazing opportunity the Hendrick family has to show the love of our great, amazing GOD! Please keep them in your prayers, that all goes well and they get to adopt the 2 kids and their 5 day old baby sister as well. The Hendrick family is so full of love and compassion. I know God will bless them, but this whole process can take a while and be really hard.
Hope that everyone is having a great week!

Changes

2006-02-21T23:30:00.000-06:00

Ok this has been one very tough, trying week for me ... and its only Tuesday! I have been praying for God to show me areas in my life where I am being disobedient AND relationships in my life that were not God centered. Wow after you beg long enough, it all starts to hit at once! I have seriously cried so much these past 3 days it is RIDICULOUS! But God is showing me things, so its ok! I'm getting clarity. This process of retraining myself is gonna be long and hard but I am so excited to know that I am doing it WITH God. Things in my life are changing and I have to quit resisting it! I am so scared to let things happen. It is time to start trusting GOD. I have started to realize just how much I rely on others and it makes me sick! I think this is why I have been so dissapointed and felt unloved and unneed these last few weeks. God wanted to BREAK me! He had to ... to make me see I am NOT looking to HIM for fulfillment 100% of time. He KNEW that one of my BIG sins was my people pleasing heart. He KNOWS, He has BROKEN me, and now I know He will RESTORE me. Don't get me wrong, I have a genuine heart for others. I just LOVE to LOVE on others. But sometimes, I have selfish motives! I know that sometimes I LOVE others so they will love me back, not because I want to be like Christ. When I stop and look at my selfish heart, I just can't believe it! I have just been wondering when my life got to be so screwed up, when did I start letting sin OVERTAKE my life. I am supposed to be a Christian, and sometimes my life does NOT reflect that. But hey I have decided that I am a work in progress. This may take time, it will take discipline and lots of talking with God. I just have to be patient so let Him work in my life, and be WILLING to change my ways. And guess what, just when I get one area of my life in order I am certain that God will just get to work on another area of my life. How great it is to have a God who is always at work in our lives.

Relationships

2006-02-19T22:35:00.000-06:00

Why do most people want, need, or desire relationships? I dont just mean boyfriend/girlfriend relationships ... I mean EVERY kind of relationship out there. In bible study we just threw out some reasons ... loneliness, comfort, acceptance, value, worth, feel important, to be needed, to be desired, to be told we are beautiful, to feel special, to have attention ... these are just a few. When you really put it out there you realize how SELFISH we are. We talked about God-centered relationships and how they should look. If you are in a relationship of any kind (friendships included) for any of the reasons I mentioned more than likely that is not a healthy relationship. We were challenged to sit down and really question our friendships this week. Without even sitting down and thinkin I can name some that were not or are not glorifyin to my God. Ouch. Kinda sucks. When we look for a PERSON to fullfill all thoses things in our lives, we MUST know how much we will be let down. GOD is the only one who can do that. When we get angry, our get our feelings hurt, or tell someone off we should stop and ask ourselves why we are so worked up. Did the person commit a sin against you, or did they just do something you didnt like? People who are in Christ Jesus should not live the 50/50 relationship mentality. If you scratch my back I will scratch yours. We can't be friends based on the cirumstance ... its unstable! And our close friends should be those who refine us and who we refine. So many times we think of close relationships as the place where it is ok to sin. Who else can you gossip too, or lie to, or be bitter and angry to, and whatever sins you deal with. NO! Because we are close we should make each other more like God. If we really care about each other, we need to help each other be more and more like Christ. We should push each other to Him. But most importantly we should just love each other with all of our heart and expect nothing in return; which is so contradictory to the worlds view.
And as far as opposite sex friendships go, there were a lot of questions brought up tonight. I actually learned a lot here. Heather said girls have been trained so much to "guard your heart, guard your heart" and not let guys in. And I am not going to lie, after getting hurt one time I had that mentality (and still do to some extent). I thought I would just be friends with the guys in my life, but never get close to them, never let them see the real me. But she thinks this is unhealthy to a certian extent. We are not called to be transparent with the same sex only. It never says in the Bible! But there are lines. Advice we were given was to ask yourself if what you are about to share would be something you would be comfortable sharing with a biological brother than its probablly safe to share with your brothers in Christ. We must make sure we don't have motives for sharing things with them. Women are so good at manipulating, dont use this kind of intimacy as a weapon. But we have to be careful not to be stumbling blocks for each other. And they said that girls should not be afraid to ask a guy what his intentions are with her, especially if he has become a distraction to her. SO GOOD! I never really thought about it, and I think we are afraid of rejection. But if you are spending your time wondering if he likes you or doesn't like you (as more than a platonic friend), than he has probablly become a distraction, maybe even an idol, in your life. We spend too much of our precious time being distracted! God does not need us single people distracted, He has so much for us to do. So just ask your friend. And this goes for guys too. If he is a great, godly man he wont get mad or stop being your friend (although things may be uncomfortable for a bit), but I think he will respect you for wanting to stay focused on Jesus Christ. I did not mean to ramble on for this long ... hopefully I have encouraged you in some way tonight! God Bless

The Pushover Personality

2006-02-17T07:49:00.000-06:00

The other day in my Excellent Wife Bible Study we talked about Philiippians 2:3 which says (in the NIV) "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider other better than yourselves". WOW. God's word is so good and so clear. I like to think I have a pretty big heart when it comes to loving on others, but I started to question if there is a line where to much is too much. This world has trained us to stand up for ourselves, do what we want, dont let people run over you. I have heard these things SOOO many times in the course of my life. I really struggled with this a while back and my friend Sarah gave me this verse "For GOD is pleased with you when, for the sake of your conscience, you patiently endure unfair treatment". (1 Peter 2:19) So I talked to Michelle (my mentor) and Heather and Jenn (my Bible study leaders) about this. They said just because my "doormat" (my word not theirs) personality was NOT the norm does NOT mean that it is not how I should act. Afterall, how many ways of the Bible are actually the norm? So being a "pushover" may not necessiarly be the way the world would suggest I act, its exactly how Jesus commands us to! Now don't get me wrong, you are supposed to stand up when the other person is involved in sin or tryin to involve you in it. But if its just a perspective issue, or a comfort thing ... its not worth fighting about. Another brief thing I want to throw out there is how much we have been taught that lying is OK! "It's just a white lie" some say, or "you were doing it to protect them". But I did some research and there are a TON of verses, SCRIPTURE to back up how God sees lies, even "little white" ones. In Revelation 22:15 God compares liars to other sinners "Outside are the dogs, those who practice magic acts, the sexually immoral, the murders, the idolators, and everyone who LIES and practices falsehood"! WOW! He sees lyin the same way he sees murder! Have we seriously become so brain washed that we believe its OK?!? I know that I had. I didnt realize how HUGE it is, and how often we (myself included) just act like it is nothing or we justify it!!! I have found so many convicting and encouraging scriptures out there to meditate on and read EVERY day to remind myself. Here are a few of my favorite:Proverbs 13:3 "He who guards his lips guards his soul".Psalm 19:14 "God, may everything I think and everything I say today bring you pleasure". Proverbs 12:22 "The Lord detests lying lips, but He delights in men who are truthful". I know this was kind of long, but I was lying in bed and God would not let me sleep until I got this all out there, in case someone out there reading this needed to hear that. So please leave comments or encouragment or just a HELLO. Thanks and Gig 'Em!

Speechless...almost!

2006-02-15T06:45:00.000-06:00

I am so thankful and truly blessed to be at a churh where older woman so desire to pour into their younger sisters. WOW! I spent 2 hours tonight with 3 older women and a younger woman from my church. It was such a sweet time of lifting up each other and learning and just being real. These women were wonderful. The told us things, we asked personal things, they want to try and save us the heartache of what they have been through in their lives. I respect these women so much and hope to one day be as much as an inspiration to younger women as these ladies are too me. There is so much to know about being a woman, being single, being a wife, being a mom and still loving God with all your heart at the same time. Oh how I have desired to have relationships like this, to have real christian fellowship. I am just so excited about the things I have to overcome. I am so excited to see how devoted I can be to my God and how he will bless my heart for being obedient to Him. I want to wake up each and every morning more on fire for God than the day before. I want to be the kinda woman that someone who sees the way I live my life says "Wow she is SOLD OUT for Jesus Christ"! So thats the goal and I hope it is for you as well. PLEASE let me know any way I can be prayin for you and I would appreciate any prayers you could send up on my behalf. We are in this together!

Unanswered Prayers

2006-02-14T06:57:00.000-06:00

Wow! I can't say it enough ... God is AMAZING! When I stop to see how far He has brought me, I am speechless. This time last year and pretty much my whole life before then I can remember one constant. I thought I HAD to have a love interest! These interests were always people I knew I could never be with it seemed! I grew up with the mentality that I had to have a guy to make me really happy, even though it never happened. High school was somtimes pure torture! I had lots of friends, but you know how it is. They all jumped from guy to guy, or were exclusive with a guy. I wish I only knew then what I know now! We can't look for completeness in a person on this earth! Only God will provide that satisfaction in our lives. But last year I just prayed and prayed and prayed for God to take this desire from me. And He slowly would change my heart, but I would get frustrated and decide I knew better! But time and time again when I would stray or try to control my destiny God would be there tellin me He had other plans. This time last year I would have been desperatly tryin to win some guys attention and love, but God has set me free! He has shown me that I dont need an eartly relationship to be loved! He has ALL the love I could ever need! ALL of it!!! I am just at a point in my life now where I dont look for that at all. God has finally got it thru to me that I am ok where I am, He has a plan for me! I truly believe that now! I can rest knowing that He will provide for me; maybe not when I think He should but in HIS time. I look back now and think of these boys who I just knew I had to marry ... and I cant help but laugh. I can see He knows what He is doing! And this goes for EVERY aspect of out lives. He really does know whats best for us! Know that, trust that. So I will end with the chorus of this VERY appropriate song by Garth Brooks.
Sometimes I thank God
For unanswered prayers
Remember when you're talkin'
To the man upstairs
That just because He doesn't answer
Doesn't mean He don't care!
Some of God's greatest gifts are
unanswered prayers...!

Control

2006-02-12T06:36:00.000-06:00

Being a control freak is a sin! I know this, and yet God can't seem to get me to pry my fingers from the control of my life. WHY??? I think God needs my help in anything? Doubtful. So anyway here is a little poem to better explain myself:

CONTROL
Life throws us a curveball to knock us off track;
We have it all planned, then something sets us back.
How naïve and prideful I can be,
To think God needs input from me
I have to submit my plans to my God
And accept what He has in store, no matter how odd.
Why do we want to have control so bad?
We can’t let go, then we end up wishing we had.
When we are of this world we become empty inside.
We fight for material things, our souls get set aside,
Trusting in me makes my life go up and down, I’m tired of the ride;
my feet desire the stable ground.
I desire to be planted in God alone
This will require me to get off my throne.
Time is precious and we must act fast
Make an impact, one that will last.

I just praise God for all the gifts He has given me. I am so blessed beyond words. He never ceases to amaze me. Even when I dont deservev His love, its there for me! Even when I am being stubborn and refuse to listen to Him, He calls me back to Him. Thats just our God ... he is that GREAT!!

2006-02-08T05:25:00.000-06:00

With it getting close to that holiday us single people DREAD, I thought this poem I wrote would be quite appropriate. Just remember than no worldy love can ever compare to the love our Father has for each and every one of us. 1 John 4:1o ... read it! AMAZING ... that's our God! Well here is the poem. I just want yall to know that this was a struggle for me (as I am sure it is for others out there reading this ... if anyone reads this that is). BUT my God is so wonderful and faithful that he has delivered me out of this season of my life. He wants to take care of you and your struggles as well, so tell Him whats got you down! He IS the cure!
In God’s Hands
I’m falling so deep into this sin
Putting a guy over THE Guy again
God forgive me and call me back to you
This isn’t the first time; this is nothing new
I really want and need him to love me
So I force myself into his life selfishly
I know that I am an amazing girl
And I don’t need him in my world
My God is wonderful and loves me so much
So why do I keep dreaming about his touch
By the worldly standard this is really no big deal.
But You have called me to more, I know you are real.
So many friends I have watched get hurt
Idolatry isn’t something with which I wish to flirt
When love is in the air and engagement rings can be seen
Know that worldly love and jewelry can’t take the place of our King
Why do we try so hard to be loved by a man?
When we know he can’t love us like our God can.
God knows the desires I have within.
He will be faithful to deliver; only He knows when.
We chose guys over God and let Satan win
It’s a vicious cycle that I’m tired of being in.
So guard your heart, its time to go to war
I don’t know about you, but I don’t wanna lose anymore
God and His love are more than I need
I’m taking the back seat and letting Him lead.
Karen Davis
2005
PS I WOULD LOVE FEEDBACK FROM ANYONE OUT THERE READING MY BLOG!!! Please tell me what you think, tell me you have also been through what I am going thru, that you think I am insane, that you understand, that I am not alone with these sinfuls areas in my life, or just leave me some encouragment! It will be GREATLY appreciated!
God Bless

Confessing more sin

2006-02-05T04:04:00.000-06:00

Well something happened today that usually happens to me when I go to Living Hope. Major conviction...ouch! Definatly not a fun place to be, but encouraging because that means God is still workin on me. If He didnt love me, he would NOT correct me. When I hear people talkin about the sin of pride or prideful people I think of arrogant, know it alls, not myself. But I know that by pretending to have it all together that I am being prideful. By not letting others in on my REAL feelings, I am being prideful. And by not confessing sin in my life, I am being prideful. And tonight at Bible Study I was convicted of yet another sin of mine that I often overlook; how I react to people and situations. God has called us to be holy as He is holy, not to be better than so and so. Pretty good is not good enough for our God! I look at the way I treat people when I am frustrated or anxious. My snappy attitude or rude remark or even sarcasm IS SIN!!! Philipians 2:3 basically tells us that we are to put other's over ourselves. Our reactions should NOT be contingent on other people around you. God has called his children to be LIKE him! So we need to stop being so petty about all the little disagreements and just love the other people! In Ephesians 5:21 we are told to submit to one another out of reverance for Christ. That is straight from the Bible; it is the TRUTH. We must live by the truth ... I know I fall short in this area. I apologize to anyone reading this if I have done this to you, if I have snapped at you over something stupid, if I have had a sarcastic comment to say when we disagreed. I recognize this as sin and confess it now!
I will end with this really good advice Heather told us tonight. She said this is something very important to know before you think you are ready to get married!Very good and kinda scary! You cant possibly think that you will submit to and obey an imperfect, human, man when you can't even obey your PERFECT God.

Reality is sinking in

2006-02-02T07:20:00.000-06:00

Wow! Can you believe it is already February (or as my 2006 calendar says Febrero). January came and went so fast. Week 3 of school is almost complete, crazy! With Tiffany reminding me of how many days she has left here at A&M, its really starting to hit me; I am getting old and time is flying. I have already had friends graduate and leave this town. Its REAL. I have lost touch with friends, friends I may seldom get to see again, friends I used to lean on. And I am about to lose more! I'm just amazed how fast this time went by. And I am scared that I'll never make friends like these again. I know without a doubt that God will take care of me so I am tryin not to be too sad about it. But my good pal Chris is about to graduate and leave! Chris has always been there for me and I can count on him to cheer me up or give advice. But soon he will gradute and leave to move on to bigger and better things, just like the others. It seems so ironic that just when things are getting good and routine and dependable, they change. I know change is good and all, its just scary. But it's time to stop being scared and just enjoy every minute. This goes for every aspect in life. I was listening to KSBJ when Chris Tomlin came on. Medidate on these words:
I want to live like there's no tomorrow
I want to dance like no one's around
I want to sing like nobody's listening
Before I lay my body down
I want to give like I have plenty
I want to love like I'm not afraid
I want to be the man I was meant to be
I want to be the way I was made
This is my prayer for myself and you to live by everyday! We aren't guaranteed tomorrow. So stop being prideful and tell those people in your life that you love them. Dont be embarrassed hug them, love them! Stop being scared and tell that stranger or classmate how GREAT your God is and what a difference He has made in your life. Don't save up all that money, you cant take it with you! Worship God with that voice, who cares if you can't sing (I bet you are better than me)! Just be like Christ. I know this is very cliche but really "what would Jesus do"? Make the most of your days, share, live, love, laugh! Be joyful always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus! 1 Thess 5:16-18 !

On the right path

2006-01-31T02:45:00.000-06:00

Well I had my first comment on here ... very fun! Thanks Mrs. P! Anyways, life is going pretty great right now. I am so busy that I don't really have much time for myself. So I had my first mentor meeting. It was GREAT. I just love Michelle already (and her 4 beautiful children). It was really fun and emotional. We were told on Sunday that these women who will mentor us were told to dig deep, be transparent with us, and make us do the same with them. That’s not really something I am comfortable with. But you know what, I don’t have a choice. In order to be free from our addictions or sins we must confess them. So I opened up to this woman who I have known for 20 minutes about things that some (most actually) of my friends don't even know! It was the scariest thing I have had to do. There were tears and hugs ... it was great and sooo freeing! I learned so much from her in this afternoon! And I know I will be a better woman after spending this semester with her!In other news I'm working at Champions after school program with the kiddos on Monday, Wed, and Friday. I have to get my CPR and First Aid training tomorrow, maybe I could save your life one day. My job is pretty fun and also makes me glad I don’t have any of my own right now! Haha! I am lookin for a Tuesday/Thursday job. If you know of one ... please let me know.I am takin a self defense class this semester, which has proven to be quite fun. I can't wait to get attacked so I can defend myself... haha! If you see me walkin on campus try to attack me! I can practice my self defense on you THEN I can practice my CPR/First Aid on you! Sound fun?!?Anyways, I guess that’s it ... for now! I should really hit the books! Leave me some love...

Plastic people

2006-01-29T11:35:00.000-06:00

So I was talkin to a friend the other day and he asked what I did the night before. I said nothing exciting; just went to eat and then covered up all my grey hairs. To this he jokingly replied "girls spend way to much time tryin to cover things up". But it was a really good point, and it kinda stung. Not just girls in general, but Christians, thats what we do. We try so hard to cover our imperfections and make ourselves "pretty" in the eyes of the world. If I am truly honest with myself I have a bad habit of this! How hard I try to look like I have it all together! Like Bethany Dillon's song says
Crying myself to sleep'cause I can not keep their attention
Thought I could be strong,but it's killing me
I wanna be beautiful,make you stand in awe
look inside my heart and be amazed
I want to hear you say,who I am is quite enough
Just wanna be worthy of love and beautiful...
Sometimes I wish I was someone other than me
Fighting to make the mirror happy
Trying to find whatever is missing
Well I KNOW what is missing; God! I always seem to leave him out of the equation then when I try to sovle the problems of my life I can't seem to get it right! Well DUH! I cant do it on my own so I need to stop pretending I can. I AM a SINNER, I DO have STRUGGLES, and I need to start being real. Please have the guts and love me enough to call me out when I am acting all tough AND when I am sinning. Im beggin for your help. If I get mad, I WILL get over it and in the end I will THANK you for loving me enough to call me out. I will end with a convicting line from Casting Crown's song "Stained Glass Masquerade"
Are we happy plastic people
Under shiny plastic steeples
With walls around our weakness
And smiles to hide our pain

If they only knew...

2006-01-28T20:02:00.000-06:00

I've really been thinkin about things a lot more than usual. I have these moments where things get so overwhelming (well my emotions at least) and it just all comes spilling out into a poem. So thats what I am gonna share today. I have a disclaimer though. I am NOT a good poet, and I HATE sharing with other people. So please dont judge this, just listen to what it says. Thanks so much and hope you have a blessed day!

If they only knew…
So many people in one single place
If anyone looks, I put that smile on my face
I look like an ordinary girl on the outside,
What would they think if they knew the thoughts in my mind?
The things that cross my mind; and oh how have I have lied
If they knew the truth would they still be by my side?
I deal with anger, self conscious, and jealousy too
What would they think if they only knew…
I’m a simple girl screaming for attention and love
Looking for it everywhere, except from the Heavens above.
Making myself miserable, just to please everyone around
Tears stream down my face as my body falls to the ground.
This obsession that I have is like a disease
Make everyone happy; let them treat me as they please
When I am with them, I still feel all alone
Empty inside but I don’t let out a moan
It seems as though no one really cares
Everyone is too wrapped up in their own affairs
I have time to listen to how their life’s gone wrong
But to listen to me, would just takes too long
The reliable friend they know they can call
And sometimes I wonder do they know me at all?

I love Spring

2006-01-27T13:02:00.000-06:00

Well it's Friday! YEA. I just love the Spring Semester! So many activities and things going on, the weather is amazing, Spring Break, Easter, baseball games; so much fun. I have a bad habit of becoming so consumed with my schedule that I don't really take the time to just stop and be amazed by all that God has created. WOW. He is so good and how often I get caught up in the stress and my own world and just forget.
Last night was the first night of Hope Group. The people there are all really nice. But it’s a little intimidating because of all the knowledge these people possess. I just have to remind myself that I am who I am and that God made me this way for his purpose. I’m really tryin to open myself up more to people. I REALLY LOVE loving on other people and encouraging them. But I seem to always shut myself off to them. I don't let people into my comfort zone. I think I am almost afraid to let anything good happen to me; if that makes any sense. I don't like for them to see the "real" me. God is just really workin on my heart about this. I know that I need to share my fears, and sins, and what I have overcome. Luke 8:39 instructs us to "return home and tell how much God has done for you". That is very convicting to me because I know I can talk all day about just about anything but how often do I PRAISE God to other people?!? Ouch. So I have decided to start small; I am going to try my best to open up more with people in my sphere of influence. I am involved in many relationships where I have the support and possibility to open up, such as Hope Group, Covenant Group, my bible study class, study groups. I have been on deck for long enough; God has called me to step up to the plate. So please ask me REAL questions, push me to be more, help me grow and I will do the same for you. Have a great weekend!

Getting it Right!

2006-01-25T06:24:00.000-06:00

This is all kinda new to me. I always said that I would NEVER make one of these blog things. But I couldn't sleep tonight so I decided at 6:15 I wasn't gonna get any sleep so I wanted to journal. After writing in my private journal I just thought maybe I should share my life with anyone out there who will be semi-interested. I will prolly NOT be good at this. I have a hard time expressing myself and don't really like people to know what’s going on in this head of mine. But I will give it a try!!! I have just started "The Excellent Wife" bible study at church. I think this is gonna spark a great time of learning and giving and growing. The girls in my class just seem so real and to have a sincere desire and love for Jesus Christ. I think this will be an emotional class, but in a good way. So many girls have already opened up and I can really relate to them, I just didn't have the guts to say it. I hope to grow closer to God through this. A major benefit of this class is getting a mentor. It is clear in scripture that older women are to be teaching the younger ones. I’m really excited about this! Hopefully I will build the confidence to do my part and mentor to the girls who are younger than me (youth age). But, I have defiantly been drifting from Him and its time for me to get REAL. God has really been showing me areas of my life that need to change. And tonight at Breakaway Ben said that truly walkin with God will COST. But I am ready to pay the price. Things are going to need to be reprioritized, some friendships that aren't healthy are going to have to be cut off, and I am going to have to give up some habits of mine. It's really scary but I am ready! I don't want this world anymore or the things it has to offer. I put my complete faith and trust into Him and I know things will work out for me. I have been reading through 1 John the last few nights. WOW. Sometimes we get so wrapped up and forget what this life is about and why we are here. So as the new semester gets going and everyone gets caught up in the busyness that life brings just remember to take some time for Him.